Really don’t have a lot to update on other than dreams. I’ll get to the journal prompt of the day soon, but that will be in another entry.

The only disturbing dreams I remember from last night was one where we had planned to go on vacation somewhere, but I was too ill to travel. I don’t know if I was just very sick or if I was actually dying, but what did seem a little unnerving about it was that my dream self seemed to think that it was the only chance I’d ever get to go wherever it was we were going to go.

In another dream, I was renting a place from a cousin of mine and was having to relearn how to do things all by myself instead of with somebody else. It was a rather sad dream, but I’m not worried about it because I would never live without Tom no matter how much money and help I had.

Tom was coming home from work or wherever in another dream where we had a double-car attached garage. I heard him pull in and I opened the door leading to the garage which was pitch dark. I must have been in a really cold place because the air that wafted in through the doorway was very chilly.

The last dream I remember was one of me dancing way better than I ever could in real life. Me and a few other nameless, faceless people were dancing for one of the characters in one of the books I wrote a few years ago, LOL, only she was going by the name of Rose Louise. The other girls were pretty average dancers, but I really blew everybody’s mind with my leaps, spins and jumps and all that.

Later…

Today’s journal prompt is… what scares me. 

I have always been afraid of death and dying and the possibility of an afterlife. I fear dying a slow and painful death that seems to last an eternity. I also fear dying alone or with those that don’t really give a shit about me.

I used to be pretty certain that there was an afterlife perhaps because I wanted there to be one. I liked the idea of an afterlife and sometimes that’s all it takes for us to believe in something if we don’t look at the possibilities through a more logical and scientific eye. I guess I just didn’t want to think that this was it.

In recent years, however, I’m not sure what I believe. There’s nothing to prove that there is an afterlife but there’s also nothing to prove that there isn’t an afterlife. Since anything is possible this is something that has always been a scary idea to me as well. Not knowing what could possibly lie beyond and whether or not it could be even worse than our worst moments on earth is a bit scary. It is human nature to fear the unknown.

I’ve also been scared of the thought of losing Tom before I die, and knowing that I couldn’t go on without him and that I wouldn’t want to, but also being afraid to botch up my suicide and possibly even chicken out altogether at the same time I knew I couldn’t go on living. It would be just about the worst situation I could possibly be in to watch the one I love most in life die, know I couldn’t go on without him, but not have the guts to end it all. A lot of people believe it takes more guts to live than it does to die but that’s not the point. The point is that if you’re absolutely totally miserable, then guts don’t matter. Guts are pretty irrelevant if you’re miserable or suffering in any way. That’s like saying it takes more guts to keep your leg pinned under a boulder than to seek help, relief and freedom. This doesn’t mean I would advocate, promote and suggest suicide, it just means that sometimes it really is best for certain individuals if they no longer live, just like when it comes to people and animals that are suffering. It takes guts to walk a 30-foot tightrope too, but it doesn’t mean we should all do it.

I don’t actively fear being eaten by a pack of wolves or dying in a house fire or anything like that on a regular basis, but death, dying, and a possible afterlife, are very scary things to think about.

Later…

This will be my last journal prompt for the day, which speaks of plans. Plans that I currently have and plans that have fallen through.

I don’t currently have any grand plans at the moment. Nothing too specific anyway. There are still many things I would like to do, but I don’t have any deadlines or timeframes as far as that goes. They happen when they happen. My basic plan is just to keep happy, healthy and active both physically and intellectually.

As for plans falling through… you bet I have! Many times. I think the top two are definitely when we bought a 10-acre parcel of land and a brand-new home in Arizona. Also when we bought a 3-acre parcel of land in Oregon we planned to build a dome house on. Everything about that went to hell.

Life doesn’t seem to be what we plan for the most part, but more like one big unexpected accident. It seems we are more of a product of fate than actual planning, not that this is always a bad thing. Sure it may suck to get something in mind, map out a plan, and not be able to act upon it. But then something better may come along and you may be glad your original plans fell through. I actually find that the more I plan, the less likely I am to achieve. I could go on and on with all the plans I mapped out that never came to be, though I certainly did manage to nab some of them. I am actually glad that many of my so-called plans fell through in the end. My idea of “plans” wasn’t always very good.