Ended up having a bit of a racy heart, I’m sorry to say, though it never took off on bionic speeds. Really hope it’s not a warning of impending trouble. Emotionally, though, I didn’t feel anxious. Usually, when I’m anxious, I will also have feelings of “suffocation” like I’m short of breath, and the urge to take a dump if I’m not already having the runs. The racing heart was still a bit discouraging. I didn’t feel short of breath, but for a while, I couldn’t stop yawning. Really hope it was just a sugar crash and because I ate shitty. I had fried foods and sweets for the first time in a while.

I hate not knowing for sure what’s causing what. I wonder if I’d have freaked out with fear had I been alone when my heart got a little racy. Glad Tom’s home now but wish he were up. Why couldn’t this fucking disease have waited till he retired?

Anyway, my heart mellowed out for a while but speeded up a bit later on, and I just don’t know if it’s the meds or if it’s me. I feel ok now and I won’t decide if I’m going to spike again tomorrow until I get up. I haven’t had any severe heart racing where I get that serious head rush and then a major booming.

Scale’s still dropping as well. Should losing weight be THIS easy? I ate like a pig and didn’t work out. Even though I could stand to lose a little weight, there’s something a bit unnerving about a substance doing it for you than you doing it for you. Worst case scenario I tell the doc I just don’t feel comfortable going over 50mcgs.

Got a bit gloomy too, thinking of death again, who may die first, how, when, what may await us in the afterlife if there is one, and all that horrible shit I wish I could forever tune out. Tom was saying how it’s cool that we get this pension to fund our “fun” purchases all from a job he had many years ago when he was young and didn’t think of being old, etc…. That’s another thing I miss from my youth besides perfect vision. Yeah, I wondered and worried about death at times, but not like THIS.

I logged into Mercy, curious to see if Doc O was an option to contact as Doc A is and she wasn’t. However, you can add her (or any doctor at Mercy) and so I added her cuz I like the option of writing docs if need be and avoiding the phone tag game. This way they also have my words in front of their face and I don’t have to worry they misunderstood what I said.

Irene was wrong in predicting Nane would contact me in late January, but I’m not the least bit surprised at all. Nane’s not one to handle being called out on her own shit very well. As long as she remains the judgmental hypocrite she could be a little too often, she can stay out of my life. Again, I don’t try to change or control those I don’t care for for whatever reason. I simply avoid them.

Later…

groans The weekend went by too fast. I could’ve enjoyed it more if I weren’t on nights. I could’ve even had a new gasket by now. That’s ok, LOL, Tom can install it on the master shower door when he gets up. The water has been leaking out from underneath the door.

They’re predicting rain for Friday. And I’m predicting they’ll be wrong.

Because my heart was a little racy last night we decided that it would be best if I didn’t spike to 75 micrograms tonight. We will give my body another week to adjust to the 50 micrograms. Remember, it takes two weeks at least for the body to adjust to a new dose. More than likely, however, the raciness had to do with what I ate and not the extra dose. Time will tell for sure. Meanwhile, I am beginning to wonder how many more days I will wake up to find myself down anywhere from half a pound to a whole pound.

I only remember one dream I had and that was this blonde woman offering to chauffeur me around town to do errands for $17. The woman appeared to be in her late thirties to early forties. We were walking through a crowded building when I mentioned having errands to do and what a pain in the ass it would be to take the bus because my husband was busy. I don’t know if we were friends or not. It didn’t seem like we knew each other well, but she offered to drive me around after negotiating out loud what she thought would be a fair price to do so. So we went back to the house which, as usual, didn’t look like our house, and she sat down on the couch while I fished $17 in cash from my purse and handed it to her. I’ve then said that I would go changeup and then call my husband to let him know what was going on. It seemed like I was looking for a place to sell a car.

Speaking of cars we are going to sell the old Ford to a junkyard rather than relicense it. If anything minor happens to the Caddy, Tom will rent a car. If anything major happens to it, we’ll just get a new car.

Later…

I’m in the mood to talk stories into the speech-to-text thing, but can’t come up with any ideas on where to go next with the story I was last working out. Maybe I should just bring it to a dramatic end. Actually… an idea just came to me.

Got a feeling I really am best off staying at 50mcgs only. We’ll see how I feel next weekend, but given how I’m slightly on edge, my TD is acting up, my appetite and weight are down, my body temp is stabilizing and the dizziness and heartburn are gone, I think this is all my body can handle. I just think weekend spiking could be asking for trouble.

I worry the doctor’s going to hassle me about it if I’m right and give me a hard time about staying at 50 despite how I feel. I’m not going to let any person, state, government or institution control my body ever again, though. I will do what’s best for me. I just know how number-obsessed docs are. I worry she’ll threaten to drop me if I don’t follow her orders.

I’m feeling more blah than anxious tonight, just to be clear. My heart’s been fine so far. But worrying about how my body’s going to react to spiking when I already feel good enough on 50 gets to me at times. I know how pushy doctors can be, too. I’m glad no one can make me do anything I don’t want to do, but I can’t make her not drop me if I don’t “obey” her either. Just wish this shit would get settled somehow, someway, for once and for all. Worrying about aging, dying, a possible afterlife that could be worse than this life, and poverty revisiting us on top of worrying if he’ll make it home safely each day can be depressing enough. I don’t need help from a lousy pill.

Andy still hasn’t gone into detail about why his visit to Gary and his wife Jenny sucked. If I spent a few days with my sis, I think we’d have a blast. If it were a month.... eh, that’s iffy. That’s why I have mixed emotions about living close to her. I’d love to in that I know she’d be one of the most reliable, helpful and trustworthy people in an emergency situation, but at the same time, we haven’t always gotten along in the past. I understand people can change and either get along better (or worse) in the future. But still, if we got into it I’m not so sure I’d like her living nearby. For these same reasons, I have mixed emotions about Maui. The climate would be even more ideal than FL, but then I’d be going even FURTHER away from my long-time people who are family or close enough to it. I’d be nearly half a world away!

I would like to make local friends at some point, even if it means taking chances. I just don’t know how we’d accomplish that anytime soon with me always at home and him always at work.