Slept shitty again last night, waking up every hour or two. What worries me is when I woke up warm and had to kick the fan on. Had that simply been all that happened, I wouldn’t have thought twice about it, but I wasn’t just warm. My heart was beating fiercely and fast. It dropped in speed as soon as I fell back into bed, but it took a moment or two to return to normal so I could fall back asleep.

Tom thinks I’m just nervous about my appointment and that I simply woke up warm. But why wasn’t I sweating? I’ve woken up warm before, and when I do I’m just warm. Simple as that. My heart doesn’t beat like a caged animal trying to escape.

Even though it’s not dangerous, I’m just sick of this shit. Like really sick of it. I miss the old me who loved spending time alone. Who didn’t have to question every damn thing she felt, including these strange pulsing “bruising” sensations I’ve been getting on various areas of my neck. Who wasn’t afraid of what her heart might do if she went out alone to exercise. I would feel comfortable enough walking around the circle, but biking far from home? No way.

It seems that strange wooziness also accompanied me when my heart was beating so madly, making me think that it’s one of two experiences I’ve felt with my heart racing and all that. I was too tired to tell for sure, but there’s this one where I get a dizzying rush through my head and then my heart beats rapidly for about a minute. And then there’s the other one where the rapid heartbeat is more consistent and lasts longer like what I had last weekend. Both of them suck shit, dangerous or not.

Tom is probably right about me being a bit nervous about the appointment. I just worry about the cholesterol numbers still being too high. I don’t want to go back on statins even if I have proven I’m not one of the ones that can get muscle soreness from them. But yes, I definitely do have a lot going on appointment-wise. I have 3 appointments between now and mid-April, plus more to schedule for different things.

I don’t think I’m going to be able to find out the results of my blood test until I actually see the doctor. These people seem to like to talk about results before they post them online, which to me totally defeats the purpose of having it online. To me, having it online is convenient so that I don’t have to either call or see the doctor about it. Especially if it’s not an emergency.

Anyway, I’m certainly not as bad as I was last year, but I’m not having as many good days as I’d like to have and feel I should have. I’m in my forties, not my seventies.

Andy worries he’s developing diabetes just like two of his siblings did. I hope not, for his sake! But he is seriously obese, inactive and out of shape.

Nobody called about the car yesterday so Tom called them back when he got home. If they’re not serious about getting it today, then we will find somebody who is.