I now have 6 appointments between now and September, 3 of which are unnecessary. My PCP thanked me online for the shrink appointment info saying she’ll try to get me in sooner or on a cancelation list. I almost replied with, “No hurry. I’m feeling much better. As I told you and Doc O, as long as I’m not on the wrong medication or too much of it, my anxiety is much easier to manage.” 

But they still wouldn’t get it, not to mention the fact that all these appointments can make a person with my sleep issues feel very overwhelmed, and that it’s costing us money. I did point that out to my PCP’s nurse, however, every time we have to run in for something that can be done by phone or online, we have to pay. 

I spoke to Paula yesterday and asked her if she’d ever been on Prozac before. She has. She said all it does is give her funny dreams. 

She called because she had been worried about me saying she wasn’t receiving my texts and wondered if I got caught up in earthquakes, fires, and every other imaginable catastrophe. Yet when I texted her afterward, she got them just fine. I think she just wanted to talk and that’s probably why she blocked her number, too. I answered thinking it was the doctor’s office, but that’s ok, LOL. I don’t mind chatting every now and then. 

I used the laptop in the bedroom yesterday for about 5 or 6 hours and the battery drained down to 51%. It took just over an hour to charge it. This pretty much tells me it would last all day, which is a good thing. It would probably take 2.5 hours to charge if it was totally dead. 

I had some dream about swimming in a pool and tanning and possibly wanting to go high-diving at night but thinking better of doing such a thing with no one else around. 

Then I dreamed I was telling Tammy that I thought menopause was coming on and she kept insisting that I was too young for that. I told her I didn’t expect it until my 50s, but was confident that menopause was truly setting in. 

In reality, I am starting to retain water, but just like last month, there’s no way my period is coming on time, which is supposed to be tomorrow. With my shit luck, I will PMS for a month before I have another period. 

Andy continues to annoy the shit out of me and make me question the validity of his friendship by posting pictures depicting subjects he knows bothers me or that I am sick to death of. Every time he does this, though, the longer I will go before I check in on Ask. Only problem was that he hadn’t checked in before I checked in the last time, which is probably part of why he posted the picture at that particular time… because he knew he would be unavailable for several hours anyway, which sort of defeats my purpose. He may not be smart, but he’s not as dumb as Paula. 

Later… 

I keep hoping they’ll post my TSH score online, but they haven’t yet. I’m trying to decide whether or not I should call for the numbers, even though I shouldn’t have to because that’s what the online site is supposed to be for. A part of me is curious and a part of me doesn’t want to know because I truly believe the results aren’t good. They may be better, but I doubt they’re good enough. They know what the results are whether I know it or not so I guess I will find out soon enough either way. 

I am more concerned as to what the doctor might want to do about those bad numbers than the bad numbers themselves. It is way too soon to up my dose again after all the shit I’ve been through. I am just not ready for that yet. Now that I finally got to a stable place both physically and emotionally I need to stay there for a while. Even if the numbers aren’t perfect, I’m not unhealthy and I’m not in danger, so I don’t want to push myself too far too soon. 

I suppose it will be a while before the movie Cleveland Abduction is available online. I know the basics of the story and that one of the girls had a baby in captivity, believing that her dead mother sent her an “angel.” Well, I’m not so sure the dead can influence the living and I definitely can’t believe any mother would want her daughter to get pregnant by her rapist, but I can understand that in desperate situations we sometimes need to tell ourselves these things in order to survive. I’ve done similar things in times of desperation way back when. I didn’t brainwash myself into believing some of the things I tried to tell myself, but it was a sort of a mental pretend game that I would play in order to help me cope. Just like many try to justify life’s horrors by convincing themselves it’s “God’s will,” I have my own ways of getting through life’s hardships. Sometimes we need to tell ourselves whatever sounds best in the worst of moments. Some of us may believe those words while others don’t, but we always try to do whatever it takes. 

Do I believe there’s a God that loves us all equally? No, I don’t. I think if there is a God that He is a real shit to some of us with total disregard for how some people are affected both physically and emotionally. However, if I have a tough time in life and I find that telling myself that wearing a red shirt while eating a banana is the key to getting through it, then that’s what I’ll tell myself even if I’m kidding myself in the end. So yeah, I can kind of understand the God/Angel fantasy. I suppose destiny will always play itself out no matter what we do, though. We can fantasize, we can bullshit ourselves… but fate will be fate no matter what. 

Later… 

OMG, my endo’s nurse just scared the shit out of me! If it wasn’t for the relief I felt afterward I might have been pissed. Finally curious about my TSH score, which failed to show up online, I called and spoke to Chris. She then tells me my score was 21 and I’m thinking, oh no, just oh fucking no. How can that be after two weeks on a higher dose? 

She then went on to tell me that an underactive thyroid can cause depression and all that, and I expressed my fears of taking on a higher dose so soon after I finally found some stability that I would like to enjoy for more than a week. 

Then she was confused and wondering why I would be tested just two weeks after starting a new dose since it takes two weeks to get into the system and four weeks to see results. I wondered that too, but all I know is that I was told to go to the lab and so I did last Saturday. 

Then she was even more confused and realized that she was reading me results from April. This would explain why I supposedly had the same score twice in a row, which would be unlikely unless I was on no medication at all. 

So she called the lab and then she called me back to tell me something I wish I had known before. The results of this particular test take longer because it includes a HAMA. This has to do with the antibodies that can cause false high readings and one to be thyrotoxic. 

Damn, do I miss those days when I didn’t need any medications and tests and all that stuff. But they’re over. Totally over. Yes, I am throwing myself a five-minute pity party, and it’s my party so I’ll cry if I want to.