I spoke with my endo doc’s nurse and told her something that only Tom knew until then. Something I should have told my doctors upfront, but was afraid to, thanks to past experience. Even Tom urged me to speak up about it. 

When I was on Prozac, I not only noticed throat pain and had more trouble sleeping, but I became depressed and even had thoughts of dying. As those of you who know me well know, or have read in my past journals on other sites, I attempted suicide in my teens when I was a ward of the state and in a horrible place. After surgery set my arm and I was released from the hospital, I was returned to that same horrible place and treated so badly that I was almost sorry I didn’t succeed in ending my life. So even though it’s not the 80s and this is an entirely different situation, coming clean has backfired on me before, and I remember that. I finally realized that the only way my doctors could help me and understand what was really going on was to be upfront with them, so I told the nurse about those feelings. Prozac typically causes this in those under 25, so I definitely wasn’t expecting to end up feeling so bad. 

The first few days I actually felt rather relaxed. This doesn’t mean 75 mcg of levothyroxine is right for me, though. This dose definitely causes me an uptick in both physical and emotional anxiety. However, I am going to continue it until Saturday when I get blood drawn. The doctor has ordered another TSH test. 

Originally, the nurse was calling to tell me that the doctor had never heard of throat pain being connected to Prozac and that she felt I should give it another chance. As I told her, though, no matter what the numbers say, I always feel best on 50 mcgs and I don’t even need the lorazepam on that dose. Furthermore, as she agreed and confirmed, 50 mcg is NOT life-threatening. My thyroid, or complications caused by it dying, probably wouldn’t kill me or cause great harm to me for many years with absolutely no medication at all, so 50 certainly isn’t going to hurt me and it is better than nothing. I feel kind of shitty on nothing at all, better on 25, and best on 50. 

Even someone who had their thyroid completely removed was telling me that even though their numbers appear a little low at 175 mcg, they can’t handle going to 200 without feeling jittery and unable to sleep. 

I have no problem seeing a counselor to help me deal with the trauma of what I’ve been through over the last year and what anxiety I may naturally have which is nothing compared to what I can get from too much thyroid medication, but fuck the psych pills for now. Last night I slept the best I slept in nearly 2 weeks with NO racy heart wake-up calls. I have NO doubt in my mind that Prozac was the culprit in causing me throat pain, waking up with a racy heart, depression, and thoughts of dying. I already threw the shit away, and I wish the makers of the crap would pay us back for what we paid for it as well as Tom’s lost wages during the day he had to stay home and babysit me because I was so freaked out by how bad the shit mindfucked me. I’ve got the lorazepam to use as needed and I’m okay with that. I’m NOT okay with taking additional medication just so I can stand a higher dose of thyroid medication that may be somewhat helpful but not necessary. Again, 50 is plenty sufficient enough. A little extra weight and dry skin/hair aren’t going to kill me. I’ve also got the beta-blocker for if my heart rate gets out of hand. 

Sometimes we really do have to do what’s best for us as individuals and not what’s best for the majority. 

Even Andy was concerned when I told him I was starting Prozac. I told him to relax, the suicidal thoughts and depression happen mostly in younger people – and they do – and so I thought I’d be fine. Wrong! I totally get how this and other drugs can cause Robin Williams and others to either become depressed or kill themselves. Not that I didn’t get it before, but going through something like this can really wipe out any last vestiges of doubt and ignorance as to how a foreign chemical can mind fuck you and make you do things you wouldn’t normally do, especially when your life is just fine otherwise. I may not be a millionaire but I have just about everything a woman my age could want yet all I could think was, if I just didn’t exist… 

After talking to the nurse I sent the doctor this: 

I will take the 75s and get a TSH test probably this Saturday when I can get a ride. I just felt compelled to apologize to you directly for not telling you about how I became depressed and wanted to die on the Prozac. When I was younger and had feelings like that and confided in others, it backfired on me, and I remember that even though times have changed. I should have been more upfront with you. To make a long story short, when I was 17 I was a ward of the state and in a horrible place. I threw myself out a window and broke my upper arm. After I was released from the hospital I was returned to the same horrible place and treated so badly I was almost sorry I did not succeed. I know it is not the 80s and you are not them, but Tom has been the only one I could discuss such unwanted feelings with till now. Your nurse made me feel so much better and I am glad I told her. Thank you for continuing to work with me to help me feel better. As for the higher levothyroxine dosage, I honestly do not know that I can take that for much longer due to both the physical and emotional anxiety I get on that particular dose. There is what the numbers say and then there is how I feel, and on 50s I feel much better and I do not even need lorazepam, even though I know 50 may not be enough thyroid hormone for me. Since 50 is not life-threatening and better than nothing, I would rather take that and feel better than have to take other pills just to tolerate a higher dosage. For now, though, I will take 75s till I am tested and use the lorazepam as necessary. Again, I am sorry I was afraid to admit how I felt earlier. 

Later… 

Now that it has been a whole month of treating the fungus in my toenails, and now that the warmer weather is setting in, I decided it was time to polish my nails. I hate bare nails, even on dolls, LOL. The treatment made it a lot better although it is not 100% cured. I can always hit it again when the weather cools down next fall if I want to. It isn’t dangerous or painful so it doesn’t have to be perfectly cured. It looks better, though, and the nails aren’t as thick and bumpy which makes them harder to trim. 

My thyroid is dead, my heart beats too fast, and my cholesterol is too high. But I'm alive! Yeah, I am still feeling much better now that I got the Prozac out of my system and now my worst problem, once again, is dealing with the daytime noise. Every single fucking day I have to hear landscaping coming from somewhere around here and it is annoying as hell. 

Really hope Tammy doesn’t get settled into her new home and then get hit with daily landscaping too, and have to listen to some guy saw and hammer shit in his garage without having the decency to shut the damn door. I haven’t heard any of that lately here, but the landscaping is insane. Because she doesn’t have a lot of leafy trees and there doesn’t seem to be any common areas (I didn’t know the people own the land in the place she’s moving to), the worse she may have to deal with is lawnmowers since there seems to be a lot of grass where she is. Still, I hope she isn’t disappointed and as surprised as I was to learn that retirement communities aren’t that quiet. I suppose different communities have different noise ordinances. Here, anything goes as long as it’s daytime. I could blast the shit out of my music all day long if I wanted to, not that I want to do that. The only time I crank it up is when I’m cleaning or to drown out the landscaping. 

Is she rich or something, though? She refuses to tell me how much the place costs and from the looks of it, it looks like a very expensive place to live. How does a couple go from a low-income apartment to that? 

I had a dream that she, Larry, and I were all in Hawaii. They were lounging by a pool or something like that when I walked by them in my swimsuit and said I was going to go down to the beach for a swim because I didn’t know if I would get the chance to do it again. They just shrugged as if to say, “Whatever.” 

In another dream, I was decorating a backyard that sort of reminded me of the one we had in Phoenix. There were these huge shelves that were kind of shaded and I considered setting up the rats’ cages there. 

Then I was sitting at a long table. Andy was to my right and some Indian people (not American Indian) were across from me as well as to my left. I started to explain Indian culture to Andy, and then I stopped and asked one of the other people at the table if it would be okay to tell him what I learned about their culture and they nodded. I don’t remember what the hell it was I told Andy, though. 

My parents were alive in the last dream and we were staying in a cabin in the woods. I went for a walk at one point and got lost. The darker it got, the harder it was for me to find my way back and I knew I would have to find a place to rest till morning. A medium-sized white dog with long thick fur approached me and kept me warm for the night. The next morning I found my way back, much to my parents' relief. 

Never mind. Tammy just told me they paid 69K for the whole thing, the house is 4 years old, and they pay $160 a month for cable, lawn, and trash.