There’s absolutely no doubt in my mind that the Prozac was responsible for my latest round of hell. I have a feeling that the doctor is still going to claim that she’s never heard of the symptoms I had and basically imply that I’m full of shit, but I don't care. The only thing I'm unsure of at this time is whether or not I can adapt to 75. I’m also tempted to pull out of the counselor appointment and say look, "I know my body and I know what's normal for me. As long as I’m not given too much medication or the wrong kind of medication, there is no crisis." 

I find it rather disturbing that two “professionals” told me that my heart racing me awake was anxiety when in fact it was the Prozac. 

Blue lives matter, black lives matter... *rolls eyes* I don’t know who’s more pathetic. The pigs or the animals we call black people. I just know that I see a scary similarity to the savage beasts in the Middle East. Only difference is Americans loathe and refuse to tolerate those overseas while they have all the love in the world for the sick, dangerous and destructive scum we’ve got living right here. Tom says it’s all about being poor. Oh, please! We were poor for years. But did we ever go beating and robbing innocent people just because Jesse’s mutts pissed us off or something like that? 

Funny how half of the pigs being charged with Grey’s death (and I do believe it was police brutality) are black. Yet people will still use race as a crutch. Everything always comes down to race in this country, even when race has nothing to do with the situation. What I know of the Grey case is obvious – it was about police brutality. Not about race. Not unless half the officers involved hate their own kind. Still, they’re not going to do shit to the cops. Cops are free to kill all they want. 

So heartbreaking that the Wayne County prosecutor had to resign simply for expressing her opinion about shooting the protesters. What’s wrong with this damn country? I agree with her! If you’re going to act like animals in society you should be shot and die like animals. Black people DISGUST me with the savage beasts they so often are, much like ISIS, resorting to violence (mostly upon those who are innocent) when something pisses them off. No matter how violent we get, cops are going to continue to brutalize ALL races because that’s simply what cops do. Only difference is that the media is going to focus on black victims. 

I continue to have mixed emotions about Andy. It is hard to believe that the same person who could care enough to send those cheesecake samplers would go out of his way to do things that he knows bothers me, but it’s more than obvious that this is the case. His obsession with posting pictures of violence and fire, especially when it involves blacks (pics of the Baltimore riots), really disturbs me. I don’t get what his goal is. Is he trying to push the acceptance of blacks on me? Or does he simply enjoy offending, grossing out, and annoying others? I asked if he could post things depicting things of a more peaceful nature (hey, looking at flowers puts me in a better mood than violence) and his reply was “Not yet,” and then he goes and posts another pic of the animals rioting. 

Again, I am torn between hanging onto him and cutting ties. He frustrates the hell out of me, not just with his immaturity and his forgetfulness (be it his fault or not), but with the way he seems not to care about how others feel and with his selfishness. No matter how many times I tell him that a particular thing does not interest me, he seems to push it on me more. I’m amazed that I don’t have to hear about his God fantasy a lot more than I do. It seems that everything to him is about celebrities, sexy young guys, and violence. 

If I asked myself if I would be friends with him if we were meeting today for the first time, the answer would honestly be no. I just know that if I let him go he would be devastated and I don’t want that. I don’t hate him; I am just annoyed by him and sick of him at times. But Andy's not one you can easily “cut back on.” You kinda gotta be all or nothing with him. 

At the same time, I know I have to consider my own feelings. I have a feeling that if I told a counselor exactly how I felt about him, they would probably tell me that given how often I have doubts about him I should probably let him go. But would he let me go if I let him go? Or would he stalk the shit out of me every chance he got and try to reach out to me through my friends? This is someone that’s friends with some of my friends. Well, just Norma to be exact. The point is that disengaging myself from him may be a lot harder than it was to detangle myself from Kim in Molly. Speaking of Molly, something must’ve happened to her. This is the longest I’ve gone without any blog views from her. 

Still, the frustrating question remains… do I put up with Andy's negative side, or do I let go and hope for the best? 

Going for a TSH test this morning. The only thing is that I have to go to the bad vamps. Yeah, I hate this lab. Nothing but incompetent bitches work there. So… I’m sure I will be coming home with plenty of bruises. At least I didn’t have to fast all night and this morning. I’m just not sure why the doctor wants me to get tested now and not closer to our next appointment in six weeks. 

Decided to place the large gymnast silhouette sticker in the hallway and she looks fantastic there! I’m going to add a few more to the other side at some point. I’m just not sure we should have painted that hallway such a bright, blinding pink, LOL. 

Had some weird dreams last night, all right. For some reason, I felt compelled to tickle Tom’s foot in his sleep, but he never woke up. Then I saw what I thought might be a mouse hopping along the wall before I got up and wandered around the house. The house had multi-levels and didn’t look anything like our house. Some rooms were huge and others were tiny. 

Then I dreamed I had a girlfriend in her 20s who reminded me of Nancy K. She kept insisting she was all or nothing and since we “did it” we had to be serious. I don’t know if I was young again as well, but I seemed to have serious doubts about her. I wasn’t exactly turned on by her appearance even though she wasn’t ugly, and I didn’t like how young and immature she came off as.