Dr. O, who might have peaked in my blog again last night from a slightly different location in New York, messaged me to say that she’s having one of her nurses contact me. Until then I thought I would do a private entry where I don’t have to watch what I say. I’m also sick of others being quick to give me their unsolicited advice. That only confuses me even more. The three things I should have kept out of public from the get-go were what the freeloaders did to me, my sleep disorder, and my thyroid issues. Especially the last two. There may be a few paragraphs here that I might share in my public blog as well as my private one, though. 

Tammy tried to tell me that I was feeling anxious because I didn’t have enough thyroid hormone in me and not because of the medication. As Tom agrees, that makes no sense. I haven’t had enough thyroid hormone in me for many years; so then why didn’t I feel just as anxious then? I’ve got to be careful what I say to her because one thing we don’t want is for her to get involved. Not too involved anyway. As Tom pointed out, if people can get involved in the past, they can do it again in the future. That’s the only problem with Tammy I still have today. I know she was a part of siccing the pigs on me, even though she continues to deny it, and I know she wouldn’t hesitate to do something like that again if she got pissed at me. 

I am totally, totally torn between trying to stick the 75 micrograms out and going back to the 50s. I felt so much better on the 50s and I didn’t need lorazepam. What does that tell you right there? That the doctors are telling me one thing while my body is saying another. No matter what they say, I really do believe that the Prozac was making me feel worse. I think it was responsible for my throat pain, and even making me depressed to the point that I thought of dying. I probably should have been more open with my doctors about the dying part. It’s just that revealing those feelings in the past has backfired on me, and I remember that. I know this isn’t Valleyhead and I know this isn’t the 80s, but it is still hard to discuss with anyone other than Tom. From now on though, I will take his advice and be more upfront about that. I know things have changed and that they’re not like they were years ago, but still, I don’t want to God forbid be punished for how I feel and made to feel even worse. As it is I went in with a bum thyroid and even that has made me feel worse in the end. It seems that more often than not, whenever I try to help myself or get something fixed, things end up worse, just like they did with my ear. 

I still wake up with a racing heart throughout the night (another thing that didn’t start till after the Prozac), and I agree with Dr. A who said she truly believes it’s anxiety. The only difference is that it’s not as scary as it used to be because I am getting used to it. It is just frustratingly annoying. 

The question is why am I having such intense and extreme anxiety that I never had before last year? It is totally unpredictable and it comes and goes when I least expect it to. I can feel fine one minute and the next I am feeling waves of anxiety. Sometimes it’s physical where my heart is elevated, and other times the anxiety is emotional. 

I think one of the reasons I have been feeling tired more lately isn’t just the stress, but because I stupidly stopped my vitamins. 

I was a little pissed to learn that I never needed a referral for the behavioral center, so we've been waiting all this time for nothing. I spoke to my PCP's nurse yesterday morning who told me to just go ahead and call them. The shrinks are booked through October (utterly ridiculous) but I will see a counselor named Stacey on May 12th. 

Saw the street Tammy will be living on and it looks beautiful. Mostly palm trees and a lot more grass than we have here. Maybe she won't hear leaf blowers as much as we do cuz she doesn't have the kinds of trees we have that make such a mess. She's going to hear a lot of mowing, though that's less annoying than blowers. The blowers they use here are insanely loud. For about 5 hours yesterday, the landscaping sounds around me were annoying as hell, especially when I was trying to talk on the phone. They're so loud even when they're not that close. 

What's what all the huge spider dreams lately? Last night a huge one ran across the ceiling in my dreams and I was freaking out the closer it got to me.