The night before last I had rather unpleasant dreams. One dealt with us being tight financially, and the other dealt with being dragged back to court on account of the blacks. I was sitting in a room at a huge table with several others. I spotted a manila envelope on the table with several names on it, mine being included. It was the supposed evidence against me. I opened the envelope and poured out its contents onto the table. One of the things I remember being present was a Post-it pad. 

I assured the others that there was no way in hell I would be railroaded again. There would be no jail. There would be no probation. There would be no nothing. 

Andy told me his mother is moving back to Massachusetts because she’s not getting along with Linda here in California and there’s no room for her at Marla’s house. According to Andy, Linda, David and Gary are hard to live with. Yet she is going to live with David in Springfield. Why go from one person that’s hard to live with to another that’s hard to live with? And why not go to Andy? He’s always home. On the other hand, I’m sure most would agree that Andy is very hard to live with. He’s very hard to please, and given his selfish ways, he’s not usually willing to compromise. 

Kind of hurt that he never asked about my appointment, quite unlike Aly, but again, that’s just the way he is. For a guy who prefers to hear mostly happy things, he sure does read an awful lot of news. 

Later… 

Today’s appointment was quite simple compared to yesterday’s. My toe is healing nicely and “Amanda Knox” said that hopefully, I will be in the 90% as far as any unwanted regrowth goes, but to let her know if there are any future problems. I call her Amanda Knox because it hit me today that that’s exactly who she looks like. The only difference with this Amanda is that she is way too skinny and has a gap between her front teeth. 

I really thought once I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism that it would be a simple matter of taking a pill every day and forgetting about it. I had no idea it would be such a complex ordeal with such horrible and scary problems along the way. I just really hope to hell that the additional medication she gave me will help me tolerate the higher doses of levothyroxine. 

I think I might have gotten some names wrong in my last entry. The Fluoxetine is the chill pill I’ll be taking daily which is basically Prozac. The medication I will take as needed if the thyroid meds make my heart race is called Atenolol. 

I forget which one it is but one of these drugs makes teens and young adults kill themselves, so they don’t give it to young people. Contrary to some people’s beliefs, some medications really CAN make a person commit suicide. It’s not about them being spoiled and one day saying to themselves, “I’ve got it all, but eh, I think I’ll just throw it all away today for the hell of it.” No one in their right mind does that. 

I was also wrong in saying my endo has nearly 20 years of experience when it’s actually nearly 28 years of experience. I have already corrected that. 

Tammy confirmed that yes, she not only has to take statins but our parents and brother did, too. So it’s a family thing. My primary doctor wants me on low doses of statins every other day, but I want to wait until my next blood test, which will be before I see my endo again in June. 

Meanwhile, the fluoxetine starts tomorrow night and then the higher dose of thyroid meds starts on Saturday morning. Yes, I am still scared shitless. I really need to see that these new tools that the doc has given me help before I actually believe. Not saying she doesn’t know what she’s doing. It’s just that for me, seeing is believing when it comes to such scary things. Had the problems I had been annoying, like the hair loss I’ve had, that would’ve been one thing. But feeling like you’re going to have a heart attack is a whole ‘nother story. 

That’s another thing I got wrong. Yes, the levothyroxine does cause hair loss, but only at first. She says I’m still losing hair because my TSH is too high, which she shocked the shit out of me by saying she’s seen as high as over 900 in some people. 

I’m just getting really tired of living in fear. Whether something up there is picking on me for reasons I’ll never know, or this is all just random chance, I am so, so sick of having to worry. I miss the days when I wasn’t so scared of what might happen. Oh, I’ve had stress in the past, but this is a whole new level of fear and anxiety that is really hard to live with, especially when I’m alone. Tom is going to make a point of leaving work earlier depending on my schedule, and hopefully, that will help until I get settled into whatever and also get my hormones checked to see how much of this anxiety may be caused by menopause setting in. Worst case scenario I have to remain on 50 mcg even if that’s not enough to get my thyroid up to optimal levels. 

Using part coding and park electronics, Tom made this really cool motion sensor that changes color given how close you are to it. What we want to do is make our color-changing tape light more flexible as far as what it can do, when and how. It’s in the hall to replace the nightlight we have plugged in there and I like how it lights the way for us when we walk by, but it doesn’t need to stay on a whole two minutes after we’ve passed through the hallway. That will be one of the things he’ll change. 

Got some nice little goodies along the way, which helps to balance out the worrisome parts of life. I really like my glow-in-the-dark yellow neon nail polish. I also like the latest erotic bronze statue I got, plus the things I got at Target today.

The idea was to look for new sleeveless dresses now that the weather is warming up, but I didn’t find anything I liked. Instead, I got a nice necklace with gold loops and a set of decorative lighters for the incense I shouldn’t be burning with the mess it can make. Love incense, though! 

I have a couple more silhouette wall stickers on the way of figure skaters. 

After Target we grabbed a couple of insanely greasy slices of pizza at Sam’s Club, and then we picked up our prescriptions.