This not sleeping, having to deal with a racy heart and being overheated, is really wearing me down both physically and emotionally that I find my thoughts going to some very dark places, the more the torture takes its toll on me. This complex, nasty disease, along with whatever other issues I may have going on, like menopause and this mysterious throat pain that comes and goes, are getting to be more than I can handle. Too much is coming at me too fast. 

I have lost a few pounds and you would think I should be pleased but instead, I am worried. Most of it has been lost through not feeling well. In some ways, I would rather have my old appetite back and have to tell myself, “Whoa! Slow down!” Then try to keep the scale from climbing. Yes, I really do miss some of my old problems in comparison to this one. That’s just the thing, though… it’s not just one, simple and obvious problem. When a woman has cramps she knows the cause of it is because of her period, so she takes an ibuprofen or something, and that’s it. So be it. Even what we went through in Auburn, as horrible as it was, was a lot simpler than this. The problem was obvious… the economy sucked, we were broke, and there weren’t enough jobs. 

What’s going on with me now is a lot more complex. There isn’t just one thing causing a particular symptom, and sometimes I can’t know what they are or what to do about it. I’m thrown in a strange room blindfolded and I don’t know what may be in that room with me. 

I still can’t get my body to stay asleep for more than an hour or two at a time. It’s bad enough to wake up just because, but it’s a lot easier to wake up for a second, and then go right back to sleep. When you wake up with a hot flash and booming heart, that’s going to a whole new level of shittiness. Every day now I have needed to take a lorazepam to help me get back to sleep. 

I couldn’t fall asleep until 11am and I finally pulled myself out of bed at 8pm. I checked my sites online that I go to regularly, made myself eat a little something and then I got back into bed because I was still exhausted. I’m feeling more depressed than anxious right now. I hate to think that my only choices in life are to learn to suffer or to end it all. 

 In some ways, I’m just as shitty with this new team of doctors as with the old team. My old endo had to go, though, don’t get me wrong. She was a rude and uncaring doctor. But am I really better off now than I was before? I have a doctor who is willing to give me more information than my old one, but I still feel like shit. 

I am told that in a couple of months when my levels and numbers are where they’re supposed to be and my pituitary gland stops barking orders at my thyroid to work harder, I will begin to feel better, and I will be at less risk of pocket flares as my thyroid dies off. If this is really true, that’s many weeks away and I don’t know if I can hold it together that long. I’m still waiting for the doctor to get back to me and for the referral to the behavioral center. 

I left Tammy some voice messages even though I probably shouldn’t because she has enough of her own problems. 

At 1am I finally pulled myself out of bed for a shower and some more food, then to do this entry. I’m still exhausted and I may go lay down again if only because I feel safer from the bad kinds of “beatdowns,” as I call them. There are a few different kinds as funny and confusing as that may sound to those who have never experienced this horrifying thing. You have your short-acting ones and your long-acting ones. My heart has behaved so far today, but it is unpredictable. 

About 10 hours after I took my levothyroxine yesterday my pulse shot up to 125, so I took the beta blocker. It definitely worked, slamming my pulse all the way down to 85. The problem is that it made me feel so sluggish and cold. It may have made me a little short of breath, but that could have been anxiety. 

For now, I continue to document in brief but to-the-point notes for my doctor, even if it might not do me much good.