Survived yesterday’s 10-hour water outage, even though I didn’t feel so great for most of the morning. I am a little nervous about being left alone today, but I think I’ll feel more relaxed the later it gets. 

I’m not surprised that Jodi Arias got life, even though I think the death penalty would’ve been most appropriate. I don’t see why it had to take two hours to sentence the crazy bitch either. I thought victim impact statements had already been given. Besides, the judge knew what sentence she was going to impose long before the statements were even given, so nothing they could have said, as true and as heart-wrenching as it may have been, would have changed anything. I know how judges are… Once they make up their minds, that’s it. They’re very stubborn individuals who are very hard to persuade. 

The sheriff promised some kind of grand documentation of the seven years Jodi was in Estrella jail (after contradicting himself by saying that her so-called 15 minutes of fame was over), and while I’m sure it would make for an interesting read, I’m not sure how much of it will be authentic. People often lie and exaggerate when writing about those they dislike. It’s human nature. You know, sort of like the media? Yesterday was a good example of that when they said that Jodi stopped talking, turned, then supposedly glared at a baby who cried out in court. Well, I didn’t see any glare present on Jodi’s face. I think she was just distracted and turned to glance behind her out of curiosity. I would be kind of curious myself. After all, courtrooms aren’t exactly the place to bring a baby. 

They spoke of Perryville as being an awful place, and while it most certainly is no joyful place to be and I would rather be dead than spend the rest of my life there, I can personally say that it is going to be a lot better than Estrella. She is going to have a lot more freedom and options. Not at first, though. They usually start them in solitary for the first six months or so, and if you prefer to be alone as opposed to with a cellmate to keep you company, then that’s quite an ideal set-up right there. Many inmates will beg mercilessly and will not shut up. 

She’ll be bored, depressed and lonely, but the food and many other things are going to be better. If she is ever in general population we can hope somebody shanks her, but jails and prisons usually aren’t quite what they are on TV. 

Last night I had a dream that I was in a huge and crowded room where a dinner party was held in which the president was present. Only the president was a stout black woman in her 50s. I was talking to her with somebody else and they were talking about their weight. I said, ”Mine can’t be lost mostly due to a dead thyroid, but I don’t mind being a little voluptuous as long as it doesn’t get worse.” 

At one point the president gave me a hug for being there and then I asked her if I could get my camera and find somebody to take a picture of us. She said I could, so I went back to my table for two in search of my little pink camera. I started to worry it was stolen at first, but a few seconds later I noticed it wedged in between the condiments. I snatched it up and then went in search of somebody to take the picture for us but I couldn’t find anybody I knew. 

In another dream, I was talking with a really attractive redheaded woman who was speaking German, though I don’t remember what she said. As we spoke in German, another woman asked yet another woman how long it would take her to learn English. She told her it would take about 2 to 3 years. 

Later… 

Ever want to scream and shout and punch things? That’s how I felt for a while and now all I want to do is just cry and cry and cry. 

My primary care doctor’s nurse called to tell me that not only are my cholesterol and thyroid numbers too high, but they’re even higher than the last time! Nothing has changed in my life, though. Nothing. I still try to limit treats to weekends, I have been watching my cholesterol, I have been exercising, and I take my medication daily. So what the fuck is going on? 

My TSH is up to 21 (no wonder I’ve been gaining weight even if it’s just a few pounds), my total cholesterol is 287, and my LDL (bad cholesterol) is 203. According to online charts, that is considered very high for my age group, and a risk to my heart, which is already at risk thanks to heart disease running rampant and my family. I wonder if some of the things I’ve felt lately are connected to that. I have a list of notes to ask the doctor tomorrow. 

The nurse said the doctor will decide what to do based on how tomorrow’s appointment with my endo doc goes. 

I am just so fucking pissed, scared and frustrated! I can’t take more than 50mcgs of levothyroxine without the killer anxiety and racy heart, so I feel like I am totally stuck either way. I know they can bring the numbers down to where they need to be, but how the hell can they do it without me feeling like I’m going to die while they’re at it??? 

A part of me is tempted to just say fuck it and give up on my health completely. But I feel like I would suffer either way. I will suffer if I try to treat this and I will suffer if I don’t. Tom said not to jump the gun and that maybe there are options we don’t know about, but I think that if they were out there we would know about them. Oh well, I’m going to die someday anyway no matter what happens in the end. Right now I am too distraught to do anything but cry and whine and worry my ass off.