We swapped mattresses but I didn’t have any better luck sleeping on it. I didn’t seem to get as hot since the other mattress has no memory foam, but I woke up just as often and the bed was horribly uncomfortable because it is way too hard. So I decided that if I’m going to sleep shitty on both mattresses, I might as well choose the one that is most comfortable and that is definitely our four-year-old memory foam mattress. I hate how hot it makes me feel but it is otherwise like sleeping on a cloud. Super comfortable. Maybe not as comfortable as a waterbed but still very comfortable. 

Tom double-checked what can cause a person to wake up with a racy heart and found three reasons. Anxiety, menopause and stimulants. Well, I have been going easy on the caffeine, but I certainly have plenty of the first two. It comes and goes with no predictability. Right now I feel perfectly calm but yesterday I was crying on the phone to my sister while Tom was asleep. I left her some voice messages. She wants to chat live but I want to wait until I’m more on days than nights. 

She said I shouldn’t have stopped the Prozac because it will help with the anxiety, but I only did so because I thought I was having a reaction to it. The facial tingling stopped, but I still get that strange, intense throat pain when I’m sleeping. I want to wait until I talk to the doctor and see what she says. If she doesn’t reply to my message in the morning I will call her office Tuesday morning. Really hope that referral comes in this week too. 

For now, I still have the lorazepam. Maybe I should try taking it before bed instead of in the middle of my sleep. I can usually go right back to sleep the first two or three times I wake up, but in the middle of my sleep I have a harder time getting back to sleep and that’s when I’ve been taking the lorazepam. IDK, maybe taking it beforehand will help prevent that. It’s an experiment worth trying. 

As Tammy said, I’ve had this disease for years and it’s going to take time for my body to adjust to the medication and all that. This is true, but when you’re suffering time is everything to you. I am trying to do all I can to change my way of thinking and not to dwell on what might happen and how long this shit might last, and just accept that there’s a good chance I’m not going to be sleeping well anymore and to just get whatever sleep I can. Also, quit being afraid of what my heart might do and just keep busy, keep distracted, and try to surround myself with positive things instead of anything negative. Sometimes it is easier said than done and you start to believe you’re never going to get better and you feel yourself losing hope. What do you do at that point? Tell yourself to just learn to suffer? Be a good little sufferer and just live with it? Tell yourself it must be “meant to be?” 

Sometimes I feel my anxiety turning to anger, and I need to feel that anger more often because anger can lead to productiveness. It can be as positive as it can be negative. It can help motivate us to change things for the better. We may not always succeed in the end, but anger is often our chance to give it a shot. Whether or not this is happening to me out of random chance or because something up there has it in for me, I’m getting pissed all right. It is interfering with nearly every aspect of my life. It’s taking the enjoyment out of my home, my park, and my life. I don’t have the luxury of going on a bike ride around the park like I used to love to do by myself when Tom wasn’t available because I have to fear my meds and thyroid issues combined will elevate my heartbeat as unpredictable as it can be, and then I might panic and make it even worse. Well, I’m tired of living with these fears. I’m not going to push myself to do too much too fast, but I am determined to take little steps toward getting there like I did earlier by walking around the circle…alone. 

At this point my not being able to sleep is harder on me than what might happen to me when I’m awake. Sometimes I am just so tired I can barely function. I never thought I would say this, but I am actually glad right now that I am unable to work outside of home. I always had some semblance of a schedule even when I didn’t have a schedule, but now I don’t even have that. It’s taken “erratic” to a whole new meaning of the word and it is going to make my life a lot harder if it keeps up, especially if I want to travel or to try to keep appointments. There’s no doubt that most of it is caused by perimenopause, and I can already tell that there’s no way I’m going to get my period on the seventh, which would be when I would get it if I was as regular as I used to be. I used to be like clockwork. It would be a simple process if it would just quit picking on my sleep. It is exciting otherwise. This is it. I am definitely slowly signing off from Period Land. I will probably still get a few here and there for the next year or two, though. 

I used to love to relax for a few minutes here and there in between tasks, but I’m making a point of not doing that for now because that’s when my mind sometimes takes me places I don’t want to go. 

“Is my heart racing? Could it be getting ready to race? Is trouble ahead? Will I ever get better?” 

These are the types of thoughts I don’t want racing through my mind. With nothing to distract me, they swirl through my mind like water swirls through a toilet bowl. Only there’s no place to flush it all away. 

Ok, quick recap of yesterday and then I’m going to try my best to get on with my life. Tom and I worked out in the morning and I fell asleep earlier than I usually would have because I was so tired. I slept on and off for most of the day, got up and felt warm for the first hour or so like I seem to be doing a lot lately. I did my usual routine of taking my medication, having my one cup of coffee, brushing my teeth, taking my shower, and treating my toenail fungus. It’s getting better but it still looks kind of gross. These things take time. Too bad this wasn’t my biggest problem, though, huh? 

I never needed the beta blocker yesterday and so far today I am doing well and I hope it stays that way regardless of how I sleep the next time around, whenever that may be. Since I am a little better rested today I expect to be up close to lunchtime. 

I’m going to proofread this entry, post it and then get on with my Dutch lesson. I let Hoodie out earlier and maybe I’ll let him out again while I read. 

Ugh, we need to rid this country of its blacks and make this a safer place to live! I don’t read the news, but I read other people’s journals, which often talk about their own lives as well as what’s going on in the world. 

Once again, the blacks are doing what they do best… violence. Rioting like spoiled little children every time something goes wrong with one of them or they don’t get their way, and taking it out on innocent people while they’re at it. This time it’s over a death while in pig custody in Baltimore. 

Maybe someday they will learn, along with the t-heads, that violence is never a solution. And of course, no one riots or gives a shit when whites are brutalized by the pigs, and they ARE. What about that pregnant woman? She made the news, but no one rioted for her. Skin too white to be worth it? 

I’m sorry for any true, honest-to-God victim of police brutality, but I have no sympathy for blacks in general. They only disgust me even more when they do shit like this. If gays and Jews can get ahead without violence, so can they. Yet so many people just love blacks. Say anything negative against them and whites will take it just as personally. I just don’t get it. I really don’t. The few left that don’t care for them obviously see them for the subhuman pieces of shit 80% of them are. I’m getting to the point where I nearly want to puke when I see one same as when I see a Muzzie. 

Like it or not, just like some breeds of dogs are more aggressive than others, clearly some groups of people are too, and these are one of them. But you can’t make people see what they simply don’t want to see. People want to believe people are good, but the reality is that most of them aren’t. Would the world be as fucked up as it is if they were?