I am so fucking pissed off right now! And worried. Based on the message I got from my endo this morning, she’s not going to help me by lowering my dose simply because my numbers are normal. She just doesn’t get, no matter what I say, that there really is something about the dose increase that’s fueled my anxiety, an anxiety that is NOT normal for me. There’s no way I would conjure up such severe emotional and physical symptoms all because I was worried deep down in my mind or something about the medication or anything else in life. There’s just no way. I know myself. I don’t see why she won’t let me drop to 75 at least until after vacation. I don’t want to have to worry about feeling like shit on vacation. In fact, if she insists on 88s and nothing else, then I will have to postpone my vacation unless I just quit the medication altogether. This dose just isn’t manageable. I can’t take that dose at this time. She specifically said the goal was to get me as close to normal as comfortably as possible. So let’s do it! I’m not comfortable on 88s. 

I would hate to invite all the hypothyroidism symptoms back in full force by stopping altogether, but they’re not nearly as terrifying as this. Other than a little scare that barely lasted 3 minutes yesterday, I have felt MUCH better since I went back to 75 the day after my last lab. Why do doctors insist I take more than I can handle? 

So since tomorrow is probably going to be the last time I’ll see her, I could probably get in to see his doctor before what I have runs out if she won’t help me, though I really don’t want to be dealing with this shit right now. But what choice will I have? She’s not going to leave me with much choice if she remains so all or nothing, and I will have to find someone who will help me and who will consider how I feel and not the fucking numbers. This is making me really lose my trust and confidence in doctors after it took so long to regain it. Will EVERY doctor insist I take more than I can handle? Do I need to just stop the medication altogether and suffer the hypothyroidism symptoms in full force? Really, I’ve had it with doctor and medication issues! 

Other than this frustration, it has rained two days in a row, but it hasn’t done much to keep people quiet. That fucking contractor that works out of his garage has been hammering away on and off, but Cali really needs the rain. 

I’ve got over 6K words for NaNoWriMo, and that’s it for now. And no, I don’t care if there’s an off, off, off, very off-chance the doc reads this. I know tomorrow’s it. It’s just a matter of deciding what to do after that… do I get another doc and hope three’s the charm? Or do I just wash my hands clean of docs and meds altogether?