I was finally able to sleep without my heart racing me awake. I still went from warm to cold and I still woke up a million times, but my heart didn’t take off on a mad dash. I even dreamed in German again too, though I don’t remember what I said. The only dream I vaguely remember was rocking a little boy in a rocking chair that I was babysitting for. 

The last half of my day yesterday, however, was a whole different story. My emotions were all over the place. First I was wound up, and then I was depressed as I worried about possibly never getting better and all that and what the future may hold. This was very discouraging. I don’t know how much of it could be the lingering effects of the dosage increase, PMS, menopause setting in, Etc. I just know I don’t usually go feeling like a knock-up like I did last night. 

I was a little concerned when I woke up to find a voice message from the park, but it was only to let me know that they screwed up the calendar. This wasn’t recycle week, it was green waste week. 

Still not sure if I’m going to continue on with NaNoWriMo because I have a lot of other stuff going on and I’m not able to focus well until my health gets better. Sleeping better is a good sign, but what shit may I be in for as the day progresses and then eventually becomes the evening? 

Later… 

Just thought I'd do a private entry to bitch about Aly. She's still a fantastic friend and probably one of my best friends at the moment, even though we never met. But her clinginess still gets to me at times. I understand that having clinical depression is a horrible thing and that she’s bummed out that Leon went silent on her, but she seems to think I'm brushing her off when I really have other things to do at times. I'm there for her as much as I can be, but like I explained to her, I can't be there for her 24/7 just like I can’t expect anybody to be there for me 24/7. 

As I told her, I can tell her the facts (that I really do care and support her), but I can't make her believe me. I just hate the way she makes me feel guilty, even though I know she's not intentionally trying to make me feel that way, and I hate that I let her make me feel that way at times. 

I just wish she wouldn't go Molly on me, and reminded her how much she used to drive her crazy by expecting her to drop everything and be available for her every second she wanted her to be. I have a husband I love to spend time with, I have pets to feed, I have a book to write, I have a house to clean, I have laundry to wash, and I could go on and on and on. Just because I don't have a 9 to 5 outside of the house doesn't mean I sit on my ass staring up at the cathedral ceiling. She needs to understand that it isn't that I don't care. I just can't spend each and every day texting back and forth with her nearly every single minute of the day, just like my sister can't reply to every single message I send her. She's in poor health, she's not a fan of writing like I am, and so she doesn't usually send messages. But that doesn't mean she doesn't read mine and it doesn't mean she doesn't care. She reads what I have to say, she cares, and she's there for me in any way she can be. Why can’t Aly get the same thing? This is a highly intelligent person. Like smarter than most of the population will ever be.