It’s now been four months since I had a period. Yes! I now see a faint sliver of hope that I could be done, but half a year will bring a bigger ray of light as far as hope goes.

Thank God I’m not having dream premonitions regularly like I was before we moved here. Again Tom died suddenly and unexpectedly in my dreams, despite having a good check-up the other day. His blood work was normal, his BP was good, and he was down 5 pounds.

I don’t know what killed him, but I was home alone walking by the bed he had just slept in just minutes or a few hours ago at most. I don’t know if I thought these words or said them out loud, but either way, they were something to the effect of, “Maybe if I could drive and had a job I would consider living on. I’m at the point in life where I don’t think I could get anyone, and even if I could, they’d never be like Tom.”

I would definitely not want to live a moment without him no matter how much money and transportation I had, along with a million hotties swearing that they didn’t mind my CRD and weirdness. There’s just no way I could stand such extreme depression. I would miss him and the things we would do together way too much to carry on.

It got me thinking and I really think we should get it gun when we move. Not for protection but so I can have a quick and convenient exit should he go first. Florida and Hawaii are much too hot for sending myself off with a carbon monoxide party. That method is a bit more complicated and I would be afraid I would fuck it up. But as long as I put the muzzle of a gun in the right spot, I’d be gone in a second. No having to worry about temperature, sealing windows, sealing vents, etc. Just BAM! And I’d be gone.

Anyway, I walked down to the lake and gave the dogs the last few pieces of the rats’ bread and finished the laundry. Tom should be up soon, then we’ll pick up the groceries in a few hours, and then pick up our new glasses.

One of the Twenties’ friends in Texas added me. Also in Texas is the perfect doll deal. Yeah, after months and months of research (I think TPE would be better than silicone) I totally wish we had that tax refund already! For just under 2k I can get a totally customized body with two heads, two sets of eyes, two wigs, two outfits, plus other things. I doubt they’ll have this promotion until February or March, though.