Rather than skip a second dose today I decided to cut off my waiting time at 15 minutes instead of 30. Feeling good so far. I was actually back to normal yesterday. Calm and not the least bit nervous about being left alone. My only complaint right now is that stomach pain. It’s mild but just enough to be noticeable and annoying.

Still wondering the same thing I’ve been wondering for years since I started the medication at the same time I went into perimenopause… Is it the medication? Is my thyroid having pocket flares? Is it perimenopause?

Tom thinks it’s a combination and so do I. The fact that backing off the medication as soon as the anxiety kicks in makes it better shows that the pills do indeed have a hand in it. When I used to keep taking the medication when the anxiety would rear up, the anxiety would get worse and worse to the point that I would have a racing heart, the runs, and weight loss. And we know this medication can make me feel beyond horrible without my TSH going below 0. Trying 88 mcg and hitting a 3 proved that. I don’t know how much of the peri is responsible but I definitely suspect pocket flares. When my TSH is high I’m about a 10 but when my numbers are low they’re not much higher than 3, and I think it’s when they get there that I start to feel anxious. The only thing that points away from the pills/gland as the root cause is the lack of lung tightness and mind fuckers as I call them. Right before I would have severe anxiety attacks I would have lung tightness, flashes of dread going through my mind, as well as jitteriness.

Although my heart hasn’t raced or pounded lately, it sometimes does weird things. It doesn’t scare me because I now know that it’s harmless but I still don’t like it when it flutters. I don’t mean for just three or four beats either. Sometimes it flutters for several seconds and the fluttering is quite quick, almost more like a vibration.

I got my banana cream K-cups today and the outside light we ordered for the front arrived today, too. It looks stylish at the same time it looks a bit old-fashioned. It’s square-shaped with frosted glass. The wooden box has some kind of leafy vine carved out of it. It looks like something you might have seen in the 70s yet it’s modern and stylish at the same time.

The clip-on earrings are actually for pierced ears but the dolls can still wear them. Maybe I’ll pierce their ears sometime. They’re not light blue like they said they were either, but they match the blue eyes perfectly so maybe I’ll just leave Gia’s eyes blue. They’re going to stay the way they are at least for a while as I don’t want to mess with the eyes too much and risk damaging the “skin” around the eyes or ruining the eyelashes. The earrings are perfect. They’re exactly what I wanted for them. I didn’t want anything small like a stud that would be hard to see nor did I want anything too long that could get tangled in the hair. I just wish I could move this bitch!

The new bra is weird. You don’t get much support from it and it’s a little uncomfortable pulling on the back of the neck, but I can see where it would do a good job absorbing sweat. It’s going to be a treadmill accessory.

What may be a PBer bought one of my books, and someone’s reading the one I republished through the Kindle lending library. I can tell they’re all in the US but not where in the US. What’s cool about it is that I can track their page-reading progress. They were on page 55 before I went to bed. When I got up they were on page 72. When I checked a little while ago they were on page 85. So 45 more pages to go!

A PBer said that every time she goes a year without a period, she then gets one. This has been happening for 4 years and she’s now 53. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if I had more periods to come even though I don’t feel the least bit PMSy at the moment. Just fat. But even so, food really is one of the greatest pleasures in life. So much so that I gave into my sugar withdrawal last night and went to Walgreens to get a sugar fix.

As we were pulling up to the store, the pigs were in the parking lot focused on this one car. At first, I thought they were arresting someone. But then, as I was inside spraying on perfume testers and picking out what sugary naughties to stuff myself with, a cop who barely looked fresh out of high school let alone the police academy asked us if the turquoise Toyota was ours. Tom told him the gray Caddy was ours. Gotta admit the skinny cop seemed so kind and innocent of any kind of corruption but perhaps he just hasn’t been on the force long enough to acquire some of the hardened machoism so many of them end up with.

On the way out, the bacon decided the best place to stop and gab was right smack dab in the middle of the main entrance to the parking lot so we had to make a small detour.

I got a text from Aly saying she didn’t feel well. I guess she and her boyfriend are coming down with colds. She was telling me that Kim had mocked her for being in a poly relationship like she once was and even though we agree she doesn’t mean anything bad by it, the jokes do get old. She doesn’t tell her much anymore because she either doesn’t get it or overdoes the teasing. I’m getting a taste of that on account of the doll, haha. “Does she cook for you? Does she clean for you? Can she make you coffee?”

Last night I dreamed that my teeth fell out. It seemed to be mostly my upper teeth.

Then there was something about some household having a $200 TV package. I think that’s $200 a month they were paying and it might have included music as well.

Then I was in a rectangular shape bedroom and some house with two full-size beds in it. Tom was in one of them and what I think might have been Mary (Miss Perfect) was in the other one.

Sensing that Tom was asleep but Mary was awake and not caring, I told Alexa to turn on the lamp that sat on a tall dresser by the door. When she failed to respond I went out of the room and into the kitchen. A few minutes later I returned to the bedroom and found the light was now on which I assumed Mary had turned on.

Then I started sorting through these clothes that were piled up in the corner of the room between the wall and the bed Mary was lying in. I looked at her as she lay on her side with her back facing me, thinking that there wasn’t much room for me to sleep on my side, though why I wasn’t sleeping in Tom’s bed instead is beyond me.

I knelt down to go through the clothes and noticed something long and skinny that was similar in size to a match. When I touched it I realized it was a bug and it fluttered away.

Later…

Decided to get another pair of brown eyes for the doll heads so I don’t have to change them so often since I’m just not a fan of the blue eyes as realistic and as pretty as they are. As I may have mentioned before, the more I change the eyes, the more likely I am to disturb the eyelashes and tear the “skin.”

My pink vibe broke as I think I also mentioned, so I’m going to be getting a light blue one in place of it sometime. It’s also a USB charging one like the other one.

I went through and picked out a bunch of toe rings for the doll and myself.

I’m new to this ForeverDita diary site. Every now and then I do a search to see what comes up for online diaries and journals and I came across it that way. It’s pretty dead but I’m giving it a try just for fun. This one allows you to insert images easier to decorate the entries with.

The bad news is that in the middle of my day, the anxiety kicked up a bit. Usually, if I’m going to feel anxious, it starts within the first hour or two of my day. Fortunately, I was able to fight it relatively quickly. It started after Tom and I went for a walk. I could feel it in my chest and once again I began to worry that it could be the new me as of 2014 and a permanent problem for the rest of my life with the only question being whether or not I would get it every few days, every few weeks, or every few months. I really really hope it’s the perimenopause and that it’s not a forever thing but I have nothing to really say otherwise until I see what happens. But I did Stacey’s emotional tapping, drank some chamomile tea, ranted on Bubbly, and put lavender oil in my diffuser.

I also got rid of a couple of perfumes I had that I was into when the initial trauma struck. I think most people who go through a traumatic event have some kind of trigger, be it a particular smell, food, song, place, object, etc.