No stomach pain and when I do have it it’s very mild to the point that it’s barely noticeable, so that much is good.

I really need to stop bragging about how much better I’ve been doing anxiety-wise because every time I do I jinx myself. I was a fool to think I beat it for good, but deep down I knew it would be back sooner or later. This shit is going to torture me on and off for the rest of my life, isn’t it? Really beginning to fear that now. Especially if it’s more the meds than the perimenopause, something I won’t find out until after I’ve gone a year without periods and I could still have quite a ways to go.

Yesterday I got so anxious that I had to take Lorazepam for the first time since July. My heart wasn’t racing but I skipped my meds today and I’m going to tomorrow as well so I don’t get there. I’m almost positive that if I didn’t skip I would end up with a racy heart and diarrhea. Then I would go from feeling shitty to feeling terrified.

Today I’m better but still not calm. I think the mistake I made after the last skip was that I didn’t let myself get totally better before I took another dose. The day I skipped I still had mild traces of anxiety. At first, I felt better than the last two days yesterday, but as yesterday progressed, it was the worst I’d felt in a while.

So I skipped today’s dose and I’m definitely skipping tomorrow, too. Would really like to know where my numbers were yesterday, but I know my TSH can be high while I still feel bad. The numbers go up right away after a skip but you don’t feel better right away. Just wish I knew what was causing this the most! Peri or pills? It would be a great relief to know that this would be gone forever once I hit menopause, but if there’s anything I’ve learned in life it’s that the longer something goes on, the less likely it is to stop. If it’s not the peri then it’s got to be the pills. I can’t believe I would’ve suddenly up and become this way for no reason at all and that’s it for life. I really hope it isn’t the pills. Again, the pills are for life, the peri isn’t.

Really hope I can stand to take it regularly leading up to the lab so I can get good enough numbers that won’t cause her to send me right back to the lab a few weeks later. I will not, however, let myself suffer just to please the doctor.

After going so long with just a few days of mild anxiety, it was a very disappointing and frustrating setback just as it was to get a period after nearly half a year.

Which do I think is the main culprit? I still don’t know. This feeling seems a bit extreme for hormonal changes but not for a chemical substance. It’s just that that “substance” is supposed to be what our bodies make anyway. I don’t know what to think anymore. Like I said, until I’ve gone a year without periods, I won’t have the answer. It’s like they both make sense but they don’t. Hormones can certainly affect the way we feel but it’s also a coincidence that it starts after I start the medication.

The only thing I’m sure of is that I’m not interested in OD anymore. Too many glitches to be worth bothering with for a place I don’t intend to remain at anyway.

Last night I dreamed I was in Japan. I was in a room with a mix of Japanese and American police officers and couldn’t help but notice how much taller the American police were. Someone said something to me about being considered average height if I were from Japan since the Japanese tend to be shorter and I’m short, too.

In the next dream, I was in a small store of some kind. The store was a bit deep but narrow and seemed to have (light yellow?) painted brick walls. I’m guessing it was a little convenience store or something. I knew whoever was at the register and while I didn’t work there I was standing next to them as they rang up someone’s order. Standing nearby was a tall woman on a phone. Even though she didn’t look like Nane, I knew it was her. She had long dark layered curls and she didn’t seem to know who I was.

In the last dream, my parents were still alive and I had to cancel a visit to them. I learned that Lisa was to visit them at that time instead and I knew she wouldn’t have gone then had I not canceled.

My vibrator broke. It needed charging, so I charged it up, but it keeps going on and off like there’s a short or something.

I wrestled this 80-lb doll that I mostly regret getting onto her stomach to help keep her ass from going flat, though I would rather her backside become deformed than the front of her since it’s the front of her that I see.

Amazingly I was able to get off on her Monday morning. I didn’t think I could but I did. With her sitting against the back of the couch, I straddled her lap and sat facing her as I rubbed myself against her.

This morning I tried different positions but had no luck. Just couldn’t get the angle right. So much for trying to get at least a little pleasure out of something that costs so much.

I got a hilarious idea for my second OD account. Even though I changed names and locations, it still wouldn’t surprise me if some figured out who I was. It wouldn’t be the end of the world if they did but since I don’t think most people will, I thought it would be hilarious to go back in time exactly 20 years ago and share entries one by one with the months and dates matching the current ones except for the year. So I just posted January 31st of 1998 when I was 32 years old and dealing with the freeloaders’ shit in Phoenix. Guess I had just gone bottle tossing and they tried to have me served. The only difference is that the day may not be the exact same day of the week that it was 20 years ago, so it may seem weird to some people reading that it’s almost the weekend when it’s not, LOL. Just thought it would be something fun to do just to see how many people check it out since it’s easy to track there. Not allowing comments on that account, though.

As expected, not a peep out of Palma or Stacey, but at least I know I accomplished my goal since I left Stacey a VM and tagged/friend-requested Palma… They read my messages. Wonder how long it’ll take Palma to delete my friend request, though?