Got a cramp-like pain in my right upper gut. I’ve had this before but today I woke up with it and it’s a little steadier. Used to think this was due to pulling muscles when ab crunching. Hopefully, nothing’s wrong with my liver or gallbladder. Part of the pancreas is there too.

So Aly said she talked to a live person on Amazon about her review not going through. Apparently, it wasn’t just me she tried to leave a review for but a few other authors as well. They said something about her account being new and needing time to be approved, while some of the rude trolls I encountered in the forums said Amazon has BOTs looking for links and connections to those leaving comments. This seems like an awful lot of work for Amazon to go through, but apparently, they have become very much against those who know the author leaving comments on their books that they’re checking for links we share to our book pages on social media and any connection to those leaving comments.

What do I think? At this point, I think the whole review system is just glitchy, but I’ll find out more soon when I go to leave a review on the book I’m currently reading.

Last night I looked up free e-books and had fun adding dozens of new books to my library. I like mystery, suspense, thrillers and things like that. I have a couple of true crime novels as well.

I forgot to mention the weird scene I saw yesterday at Target. A little girl of about perhaps 10 years of age was wearing a sundress. Yes, a sundress with absolutely no jacket. Meanwhile, it was in the 40s out. I don’t get that any more than I get why they were selling flip-flops, swimsuits and summer clothes in January. Okay, so we’re in a moderate climate and we may not be like Oregon but we’re not like Florida either.

I’m back to sleeping shitty even though I don’t feel tired. I just have to sleep longer to make up for waking up so much, but yeah, I’m back to waking up constantly. At one point during the night I got up to pee and I wasn’t sure I would be able to fall back asleep first.

I was kind of disappointed to find that the doll is still awaiting shipment when I checked the status on Ali. It’s early Tuesday morning now in China. Shouldn’t she have been shipped out by now? I sent a message to them asking when they thought she would be shipped out because I would really like to know what day she’s going to arrive in order to be able to be available to sign for her. Tom said he would take that day off. He has over two weeks of time off accumulated. I teased him about telling them that he was going to take a day off for his new sex doll. LOL, they wouldn’t believe that one if he did.

As expected, not a word from Stacey or Palma but I still can’t say that either one of them has checked in since I sent their messages. Goes to show, though, that nothing has changed for me when it comes to prayer. Nothing I’ve prayed for recently has come true. The only thing that’s close to being granted is that I’ve only had a couple of anxious days since asking for the anxiety not to return which is by far the most important thing to me. My weight and who I hear from is nothing compared to that.

Being the curious person that I am, I googled why prayers don’t always seem to be granted, and some of those that believe in God say that He hears you no matter what, but there are a number of reasons your prayers may not be granted and this can range from not being the right time or what’s best for you to you not be sorry enough for past sins and not forgiving of others.

Well, if that’s the case then I may as well return to not praying because not only am I still not sure there even is a God, but I’m never going to be sorry for every mistake I’ve ever made and I’m never going to forgive everyone who’s ever burned me either. Furthermore, I have no shame, guilt or regrets for saying so and for feeling as I feel either. If there was a God, first He allows me to have the kind of mother I had. Then He allows me to want a child and a career I could never have before the idea of these things wore off on their own. Then I was never allowed to have a woman I really lusted for before meeting Tom. Then I had to go through the poverty. Then I had to be thrown in jail for something no one should ever be thrown in jail for. Then I had to have the shit terrorized out of me for a few years.

Sorry, but that’s not something I can just “forgive and forget.” I could forgive some of the people that have screwed me with a sincere apology, but not those that had the biggest hand in screwing me over in the biggest of ways. Same goes for God. What He did by sitting back and allowing so much of it to happen is no different, in my mind, than a woman who sits back and lets her boyfriend beat the shit out of her child. He could have prevented at least some of it. But He didn’t. The fact that He willingly chose not to makes me unable to help the ill feelings that I harbor toward Him as well as to others. Again, though, this is only if He even exists in the first place. Even if He doesn’t and even if everything that happens to us is purely random, that doesn’t excuse my biggest perps. So if reacting to the freeloaders’ shit and speaking my mind is considered a “sin,” then that’s okay with me. I would send them the exact same journals all over again. I just wouldn’t be dumb enough to answer any court calls.

On the flip side, whether my life has been happenstance or planned by something we can’t see, I realize my life could be a lot worse than it has been. There are millions of people out there who suffer a lot more than I have and who never find their true soulmate either. So, it’s weird. It’s like I’m blessed while I’m cursed. But either way, no matter what happens to me in the present or the future, nothing can ever undo the past. You can never excuse, make up for or compensate for those that knew damn well what they were doing yet chose to screw me over anyway. Or the possible God that sat back and let it all happen.