When I heard the loud car leave at 6:30 in the morning I said to myself, “Oh no! Just oh fucking no. They’re living here again!”

But I knew damn well they would be back sooner or later. I know how these manipulating rule-breakers work. The Phoenix freeloaders taught me well. They get caught at something, they behave for a while, then they see if they can get away with something a second time around and hope that no one will notice or bother reporting them.

The only positive to the cock leaving that early in the morning is that it could be a sign they’re working again. The 2 or 3 months I knew them to work when they last lived here, they’d leave at 6:30, return in the afternoon, and then go out again for 2 or 3 hours. On weekends it would come and go at least 3 times.

Then tonight, as I was finishing up on the treadmill, I saw it leave at quarter to ten. Using one of my old paper journals to start a car log. On days I’m sleeping on weekends I’ll leave it in the kitchen for Tom to log whenever he sees it. Leaving that late could mean they didn’t really move back in, but this car has been active anywhere at almost all hours of the day and night. Could return any second but I’ll know if it does. If I see that they are in fact living here, I’ll complain after a month. I just wish they’d stop coming and going so fucking much either way! Ironically enough, my earbuds started working again so I was protected from anything that went on while I slept. Who knows how many times they were in and out today?

My groin rash is a contagious fungus that I could have gotten from the fungus that’s been in my toenails forever now or from several other causes. I’m sure being fat doesn’t help. When I ordered groceries, I got antifungal cream for both my groin and my toenails. I didn’t realize this thing was contagious so I’ve set aside a hand towel for drying my groin which I’m applying alcohol to periodically. Could also be caused by friction from working out as much as I do.

Now for my worst news. I did okay until the end of my day when the anxiety really kicked up. If this really isn’t the medication, and experiments have shown it isn’t despite the coincidental timing of how it started after starting the medication, then I either have the worst case of perimenopause in the history of womankind or something really went wrong with my brain chemistry. I would still like to think that if worse comes to absolute worse, it will go away when he retires in half a decade but each year that I have this, I lose hope even though some things really can last for many years before they go away. The facial muscle twitches I had from the Navane lasted for decades. It’s been way better for the last few years or so. The thing is I don’t have that many decades left in the first place, which to me is kind of a good thing with all the problems I’m racking up.

I just read that researchers now believe that the brain firing too many neurons is what causes anxiety. But so late in life? That’s the part that seems the weirdest to me. Don’t you usually develop these things a lot younger? Depression, bipolar, schizophrenia, multiple personalities… Don’t those things usually start in the teens and 20s?

Placebo effect or not, an effect is an effect, so I compromised with myself. Instead of skipping my meds, I skipped the waiting time.

Anyway, I said there wasn’t a single good thing about aging other than the wisdom and maturity we acquire. Well, I was wrong. There is something good in it and that’s that each year that I live puts me one year closer to no longer having to deal with life’s bullshit. Can’t know if anything worse may be waiting for me on the other side if that other side exists, though.

I managed to sleep well last time around and dreamed of watching squirrels hatch from these eggs. I thought they were adorably cute and was telling Tom that I wanted to hug them.

Next thing I knew we were standing by the edge of a pond. There were several scattered ponds around us with gently sloping grassy fields running in between. There may have been a couple of other people around as well.

I watched how one of the squirrels jumped from the edge of the pond and flew into the middle of it.

Then I either thought of retiring or how we actually were retired. Not sure on that one but I think I was looking forward to when it would happen.