The KFC brought on a bounding pulse, so I’ll seldom return there are eat much else in the way of fried, unhealthy, or salty things.

My numbers are pending till 10:35 tomorrow morning. I’ll be asleep then. I made the comment to Tom about wishing I could tweak the numbers.

“Why lie to a doctor we pay hundreds to?” he said.

He’s got a point. I’d only want to change the TSH. I was hoping my TSH wouldn’t be over 16 until I realized that’s not possible. The first time I took 50, I was pushed down from 32 to 16. The first time I went on 75, I dropped to 3. Nowadays, 75 gets it around 6-7. Therefore, 50 would now bring me to the low 20s. So yeah, despite my repeated requests to be contacted via the portal instead of by phone, I’m sure her nurse is going to be calling me as if I’ve got stage 4 cancer.

Speaking of that evil number which I totally believe without a doubt is the unluckiest number on earth, I really want to skip this next birthday. Any age or year with a 4 in it, I want to be put in a coma and not woken up until it’s over! Seriously, I told Tom we’re not celebrating, we’re not doing anything.

Taking advantage of having slept well and having energy, I went on a half-hour walk. I was probably the only one walking to someone singing, “Snapchat me that pussy.” Yeah, I like rap music even if a lot of it is pretty hateful and sexist.

It was cooler out and windy, too. Saw a loose German Shepherd toward the gate and turned around and headed the other way. I know it probably wouldn’t have done anything to me but I don’t like big dogs.

Aly, how the hell are you aware of my every fucking digital move??? It can’t be a coincidence that just two or three days after I found your newest account you changed handles, protected your tweets, and blocked me. You’re tracking Twitter somehow, aren’t you? Or did you somehow manage to get into my computer and somehow install something through a link you had me click that tracks my every move?

More than likely, you get tweets sent to your phone, and before I deleted it, you saw my vague tweet about accidentally learning someone “youngish” died… Karma! You knew who I was referring to, though I’m going to try to throw you off by making up a story in part of my journal I’ll be sending you about someone’s stalker dying youngish and make you think I was talking about him instead.

Meanwhile, I’ve deactivated 2 of my 3 accounts. The one I used with Kim and Aly and the one I’d log wake-up times on. I can log my wakeups on the one private account I have left. Kim and Aly know it’s down and that we keep in touch elsewhere anyway, which we all prefer.

I understand her wanting some privacy on some accounts. I know I do at times. Sometimes I just want certain accounts not to include those I know or know well.

But after I deactivated, she ran and made that account public and I saw a tweet to someone else saying she was cutting way down on how much she talks to (inserts ghost emoji), writing regularly again, and eating healthier.

I know damn well I’m the one she’s referring to. You know, it’s funny too, because she preaches about accepting others as they are yet she sure seems to be “brought down” by those who don’t share her views and whatnot, and I’d be willing to bet that’s what it’s all about. Yeah, I can’t stand most Muslims in the Middle East, Aly, and I don’t support illegals. You better not talk to me much then!

That’s okay. She won’t be hearing from me as much either. In fact, I think I’ll skip tomorrow. Not gonna give her the slightest hint that I’m onto her, though, unless she really has a way of knowing when I look in on her. This way I can see what’s really on her mind and what she really thinks of me.

She also tweeted that while she loves her job, other things are still bringing her down. Big changes to come.

Like dumping me? Some people are truly toxic, yes, but I don’t think she realizes that she has clinical depression and that sometimes we just get depressed. Period. Instead, it seems to be easier for her to blame it on others as a man often blames his sexual problems on others that no doubt existed long before the woman (or guy) they’re with entered the picture.

But how do I bring her down? By not agreeing with everything she says? By complaining about noise? My God, how the hell can she stand Molly and all her whining and negativity then? She’s always got a problem with someone. Always. Yet after telling me a while back they don’t talk much and that’s okay with her, she tweeted to her that they should talk more. It isn’t just about us being different. I really think she’s always had a thing for the unstable. I did notice she’d been checking in less most days and for a split second, I wondered if it was me. Then I said, naw, she just started a new job and Cam’s been needing help with his medical issues. But it was me after all. Well, I do hope she sticks around, but I’m fine with swapping messages just once or twice a day because that’s enough for me anyway.

She’s dumped me before so I wouldn’t be surprised if she did it again. I wasn’t kidding, though, when I said that if she does, that’s the way it stays. I’m not going to go back and forth every few years or so. If I was smart I would tell her I saw the tweet and if that’s the way she feels, then maybe we should disconnect since she’s obviously not very happy with me, and then I just won’t make any new friends. But I think instead I’ll sit back silently for now. Especially on the off-chance I’m wrong. Why lose a decent friend if she could be talking about someone else even though I’m 99% sure she isn’t? She would probably say it was someone else she was referring to if I confronted her anyway, so silence is golden. I’ll quietly observe as long as it’s public and see just how true a friend (or not) she really is.

Tom is coding now. We ran out to Rite Aid earlier and I’m trying Tequila. Well, it’s not straight Tequila. It’s mango sparkling water spiked with Sauza tequila. It’s only 5% alcohol. How’s it taste? Weird, weird, and just plain weird. Not sure it’s anything I’ll ever get again, but it definitely has a very unique taste.

Feeling just a teeny touch off today. Because of my pending numbers? Because of Aly? IDK, maybe I’m not good enough for others.

No, that’s not true. I’m just not always what they want me to be. I’m not a bad person. Not a perfect person, but not bad. We can’t please everyone. I get that. I also get that people come and go in our lives. I’ll just enjoy her presence as long as she’s around. I think it’s just the stress of the numbers, but as Tom loves to say, they are what they are.

His inability to handle my complaints, (old ones or new ones) and lack of willingness to defend me really gets to me more and more these days. I really need to keep things to myself and just unload in my journal. Not on him.

Still, knowing someone could call me every name in the book and cut me down in every way right in front of him and that he would remain absolutely silent, hurts. It angers me, too.

As we were leaving the park today, a creeper was in front of us. As they were crawling along, I said, “Can they just do the speed limit.”

“We’re not going to run over an old lady,” he said.

Yeah, well, the old lady wasn’t in the street. They could’ve sped up without hitting anyone. It’s like he’s always gotta disagree, play down, make excuses for others, and be the opposite of me and it gets old. It really does.

Last night I had a dream that I was in a house somewhere with Tammy and some others. There was a blackout. I was in a large room and saw the silhouette of what I thought was someone sitting on a couch and asked if it was Tammy. I thought I heard a faint reply but couldn’t make out anything for sure. To see who, if anyone, was really sitting there, I went to reach for the light when the alarm went off.

Tammy’s cell phone was sitting nearby and without thinking I grabbed it when it rang, still in the dark. A guy asked if everything was okay because the alarm was going off. My first instinct was to assume it was someone from a security company asking if it was a false alarm or not and I said, “I don’t know. It started going off and I can’t find my sister.”

The dream ended with me realizing that no security company would call her phone when the house belonged to someone else.