As I go through old journals, I think whoa! This world is way too sensitive for my uncensored journal which I plan to leave after I’m gone. There’s a good chance it will get kicked off when it goes public but that’s okay. It can exist for however long it exists. Some sites may not kick it off but it’s hard to believe it would last very long on Blogger with the way I say how I’d like to kill whoever for screwing me over and I hope God kills whoever for the pain and suffering they’ve inflicted upon people, etcetera. But Blogger doesn’t get much traffic, so I really don’t know. It doesn’t matter either way. I’m leaving my online legacy whether people like it or not and whether it survives for long or not. The thing is that I don’t think anybody cares about reading about someone’s life from a few decades ago. Once it gets to be a few hundred years, then maybe. I don’t think there will be people left on earth in another 100-200 years from now, but they’re still cute up for 2055 unless I publish them sooner. If we find out in 10 years that one of us has terminal cancer, obviously they would be made public sooner.

Back in the days when I thought I wanted a kid for those three or four years or so that I did and I had that dream where my evil grandmother was telling me to pick new goals and dreams, I’ve often wondered if that was her sending a message from the other side. I’m not sure if there is another side, but if there is and that was really her, it gives me a little hope that there just might not be a hell after all. If anyone deserves a first-class ticket to hell, it would be her. So if she can be deemed to be not bad enough for hell, then I sure couldn’t be. I just can’t believe anyone residing in hell would have the power to deliver messages through the dreams of the living.

I’m slow-cooking a piece of chicken and a piece of pork with zucchini, butternut squash and corn on the cob. I bagged the meats and wrote the number of the date on which they expire on the bags, although I already froze most of them. I made sure to add the letter B to the chicken that isn’t boneless, not that it matters much. I can kind of tell anyway because the boneless pieces are smaller and lighter.

None of the rodents are interested in oranges so I tried to add drops of vitamin C to Blitz’s food for whatever good that may do.

And the little babies continue to throw their temper tantrums, leaving me to wonder if their shit will ever end. It’s like it’s not just about George Floyd anymore. It’s about raising hell and labeling all whites as evil racist monsters. Okay, so some of them are going about it in a peaceful manner but many aren’t “protesting” but rioting instead. There’s a difference.

We saw Bob sitting at the end of his driveway on his walker early yesterday morning as if he were waiting for someone to pick him up. A sad sight to see. Makes me want to kill myself when I hit 70 to spare myself from the hell most of us go through the older we get. Gone is the guy who would annoy me with his power tools, easily and fearlessly climb his roof to blow leaves out of his gutters, trim his trees, and walk the 2-mile perimeter around the park every morning without fail. I wonder if he misses his walks with Jim and the two of them playing golf together. Tom said he could have sworn he saw him driving the other day. That much isn’t too surprising since there are many people who can’t walk well but can still drive such as Dixie.

I know this sounds horribly selfish, but I just hope to hell that house doesn’t end up on the market before we leave! However, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if he was gone by Labor Day and the place was for sale by Christmas. Can’t say for sure, though, not knowing the details of his health.

Although I may have TMJ, nerve damage that causes sensitivity to the upper outside area of where the canal was made, sensitivity from skin shedding in the canal, and God only knows what else, I wonder if that doctor in Oregon might not have been so wrong after all. He believed, my eardrum was being vacuum-sucked inward or something like that, putting pressure on the eustachian tubes and blocking them from draining any fluid build-up normally. I think that damn tube has been a big part of the problem the more I think about it. I’m wondering if it’s been worse lately because I haven’t been taking my allergy spray. Just because I haven’t been having sneezing fits doesn’t mean I still don’t have congestion. I really wonder if it’s having trouble draining because the tube is blocked or closing up somehow. That too might explain why I hear a bit of a “tearing” sound when I move my jaw a certain way, sort of like Velcro tearing apart. I found things on Amazon for that but don’t want to spend the money on it right now and I want to ask my ENT about it in a few days and see what she thinks.

We’re back to the cool spells again and I feel like it’s early April instead of early June. It’s getting down to 50 degrees this morning and it’s only 71 degrees in this room right now. That’s about 5 degrees too low for me. I can’t wait to live where it’s always summer or at least summer more often than it is here!