Crying now because we’re likely going to have to euthanize ratty rat soon. He’s still eating and doesn’t appear to be in pain despite not being able to walk well anymore or lift his head up all the way since the biggest tumor is at the nape of his neck, but the end is near and things can only go downhill for him at this point. Tom read about rat experts who recommend putting them in a tank like one of our plastic bins and mixing vinegar with baking soda and how you can’t hurt them even if it fails because all it will do is put them to sleep for a while. If you use enough of the mixture, though, they won’t wake up. sighs sadly Next grocery order we’ll get the required ingredients.

It’s been raining hard for hours now. Cali really needs the rain too! No thunder like they predicted but sure enough, it isn’t stopping them from running around with their obnoxious blowers. It seems it isn’t just the park obsessed with that shit but also the Cross Community park near the Rite Aid we ran out to.

Red wine may stain teeth, but I missed my merlot, so I got some of Barefoot’s brand which I think is the best version I’ve ever tried, along with Sutter Home’s Moscato which has become my second favorite wine.

I’ve been up for 3 hours and strangely enough, I’m not hungry yet. I did have a couple of bites of my candy bar, though, and a small yogurt so my stomach isn’t entirely empty. Once I start feeling hungry, I’ll make some pecan-smoked chicken wings. Feeling kind of cold and tired, so I’ll pre-heat the oven now. Eating will hopefully give me some energy.

Only I could jump nearly a pound with the 500-calorie deficit like I had yesterday. I know water fluctuations can affect the scale from day to day but still, this is ridiculous. One should be able to work this hard and see results and I don’t mean just a few pounds either. But my weight is going to slowly reset itself no matter what. At least once I’m back to 157, I can work it back down to 155 and just keep bouncing between that 2-pound range for as long as I can. As long as I can never have normal TSH numbers, weight loss will remain impossible. At least I think it would. Maybe I would still get nowhere with it even with normal numbers because look at all the fat people out there. They don’t all have bad thyroids but then I don’t know if they’re willing to slave their ass off by exercising for an hour every day and modifying their calories as I have. So I don’t know what would have happened had I had normal numbers any more than I’ll ever know if I still wouldn’t have conceived had Tom been normal sexually. I would doubt it, though.

Anyway, staying in the 150s may not be the healthiest thing and yes, it does make some things in life a little harder but at least I’m not wheelchair-bound because of it. When I saw a video about a woman who was hundreds of pounds overweight and bedridden, I told myself to shut up and stop complaining! After all, my body wouldn’t be determined to hang on to its weight if it didn’t feel it needed it and I know deep down I’m exactly where I’m meant to be.

That bubbly feeling started in my chest again but it’s like it could barely get started. It’s almost like it tried to do it but couldn’t. Definitely does seem to be more likely in the morning just like the article I read said, though I still don’t know what it is much less if it’s serious or not. I’d say it hasn’t occurred enough to be worth mentioning to my doctor and hopefully, it will stay that way. I’ve had enough shit in life!

I’ve also had enough of trying to get my book removed. Scribd obviously has no intentions of removing it no matter what Smashwords does. It’s okay, though. It’s only going to sell once a lifetime and I do share some of my journals for free after all. Hey, I made the Arizona Republic a lot of money so why not make Scribd just a little, right? I’m used to working for free or at other people’s expense. if I was meant to profit from anything I do, I wouldn’t have this sleep disorder.

So Tanya Roberts died at age 65. They won’t say why other than that it wasn’t the virus. By the time she entered Charlie’s Angels, I had pretty much given up watching the show. Once Kate Jackson left, I wasn’t all that interested.

I had a dream that my dad and Kim from MA were visiting and also that the termite found my new number somehow and left a message. Don’t know what she said in the message, but I recognized her voice right away. She definitely would call too, if she got ahold of the number, so I’m glad that that’s one of the few things in this country they don’t make public. Especially with the way Androids often make it a hassle to block numbers.