Going to end up having 6 anxious days in January and tomorrow will be my third skip since I still don’t feel 100% better. I have zero hope of ever overcoming this. The old me really is gone forever. I feel like I’m being punished for some horrible thing I never did.

Going to try a new experiment where I skip every other week no matter how I feel to see if that prevents it from occurring in the first place.

I found two cases of two different doctors online that say it’s better to skip your thyroid meds if you forget a dose rather than double up and risk ODing. So once again, my doctor lied by saying I shouldn’t have had the problems I had back when I thought I double-dosed. Even Doc O told me to double up the next day if I forgot a dose. Now that I know that yes, you can OD on an extra dose even if it may not be lethal, maybe I really did double dose after all when I first started having problems even though it’s unlikely. I’ll never know. I just know that at this point it really is either the medication or something in my brain chemistry that went wrong around the time I started it since I can’t blame it on changing hormones anymore since they’ve already changed. So unless they changed for the absolute worst, I still say most of it has always been on the meds.

There’s this older woman in Arizona that I’ve become cyber friends with on PB. She says that not only was the mammogram she had done just shy of her 50th birthday in the late 90s painful but when they detected a suspicious spot, she said the needle biopsy hurt more than the natural births of her two kids combined. Precisely why I don’t bother with mamos!

If skipping again tomorrow doesn’t help, then the problem is likely the new statins. I’m not gonna pay $75 for the more expensive brand that doesn’t make me as anxious if that’s what it is, even if it’s for 3 months’ worth, so gonna quit statins if skipping the Levo doesn’t help. Not worth feeling miserable to maybe prevent a heart attack/stroke I may never have. If something doesn’t have symptoms, I would rather just let it kill me than put myself through painful testing and medication that may backfire on me. I’ve lived long enough, I don’t have any dependents, and I know Tom would get by just fine being the hermit that he is. When he says he could easily never go out again in his life and have everything he needed delivered to him, I totally believe that. Nothing wrong with that contrary to what judgemental people like Andy may believe as we are who we are and we’re not all the same. Me, I do like to get out at least once a week but with the pandemic, it’s stupid to take unnecessary risks other than a trip out to Rite Aid every now and then. We’ll probably go there either this morning or tomorrow morning.

Shit. I forgot the food. Sugary treats and frozen pizza can fuel my anxiety, both of which I’ve had, especially when I’m due for a levo skip. Tom also thinks it’s partly my schedule and being alone too long because he slept longer than expected. I just hope tomorrow is a better day! I’ll definitely go back to eating healthy and skip another dose. Better to miss variety in my diet than to suffer. But if I’m still anxious tomorrow then I’m really going to start wondering about those statins even though I tend to agree with Tom in that they shouldn’t cause that compared to something like the thyroid medication.

Later…

Slept long and well. No nightmares. I feel better. I think. It’s too early in my day to get my hopes up but it’s looking like yeah, it was just another one of those wonderful thyroid storms that most doctors will tell you don’t exist. If, however, I do get anxious later on, I’m going to stop the statins for a week and see how I do. Then I’ll start them back up and we’ll see what happens. But it’s looking like we were right about those not being the culprit. I never truly thought they were but it’s too soon to get my happy dance on. Don’t wanna jinx things by jumping the gun but yeah, I’m better. I feel it. Actually, it’s what I don’t feel. That God-awful adrenaline kick in my chest.

Now if only Tom’s back could get better too! And my bestie’s belly.

Decided I am going to go ahead and do automatic skips on or around the 1st and 15th of each month to see if it wards off the anxiety in the first place. I won’t skip tomorrow because I skipped today. If doing this helps, that would not only be a huge relief for me but it would also confirm the poison as the main culprit even more. The only two Levo side effects I’ve ever had that went away were lightheadedness and hair loss.

Got an idea for another long-term project after I finish running journals through Grammarly and all that. Well, who says I have to wait until I’m dead to publish them? All I have to do is pull out sensitive info by going through them one by one.