There’s so much conflicting news out there that I just don’t know anymore what’s real and what’s not. As far as the migrant story I recently wrote about, I guess now they’re saying that DeSantis sent money to have documented immigrants flown from Texas to Massachusetts for who knows what reason, and that may have sunk his chance of becoming the next president. Even if it did, we’ll just get a carbon copy of him next time around unless Biden chooses not to run again and whatever other Democrat runs wins. It’s hard to picture Biden not running again, but I hope he doesn’t.

I still feel shitty and nothing has helped. I have a mix of anxiety, depression, and hopelessness. Again, it’s a reality check for me. If this isn’t me simply needing to get used to this dose, then I’m definitely looking at being tortured on and off for the rest of my life. I keep telling myself to tough it out and that I’ll get used to it, but I never do and I know I never will. TMJ, that annoying cutaneous nerve thing, allergies…those are the kinds of things you get used to and learn to live with, but not this. It’s never going to be tolerable or OK in any way. I try to tell myself that I deserve it as a punishment for anything I’ve done wrong in the past. That suffering will make me appreciate the good days even more. That suffering toughens us up. But I know I’m getting close to taking as much of this shit as I can take. Aly once told Molly in regard to her mother that one can only take so much pain. I agree. They can only take so much pain be it physical or emotional. Everybody’s got their threshold.

The thing is, I just don’t think I can keep doing this on and off for another 20 years. It’s been way too long as it is, and the only reason I held out this long was for Tom. But there’s gonna come a time when I need to be selfish and think of myself only. I’m never going to get my old self back. Not my old vision, not my old body, not my old mind. I really think it would be in my best interest to find a shrink that I can get lorazepam from and just end it once and for all rather than keep on suffering on and off for the rest of my life. This isn’t going to go away on its own no matter how used to this dose I get and no matter how postmenopausal I get. Oh, this spell will pass. But it’s only a matter of days, weeks, or months if I’m lucky, before the next spell hits. As always, there’s no off switch when it starts. There’s nothing I can take or do that stops it. Calms Forte may have made it slightly better, but only slightly.

I went to the lab early yesterday morning as soon as it opened and I’m still waiting on my results. I’m kind of frustrated because I got a notification saying they were up, but I’m not seeing them. Galileo isn’t seeing them either, they said. It can take a day or two to transfer to them. I think Quest is just fucked up. If I can finally get a straight answer from Galileo, I’ll ask them if they think I can adapt to this dose, assuming that most of how I feel is about me having to get used to it. Pretty sure it’s either about that or not connected to anything at all but just part of the way I’ve become. I’m realizing now that I really could have simply developed this strange anxiety disorder after all. Things do change with time. People change. Age has made me anxious, despite the coincidence of the timing.

I could sit here and wish for something to kill me like Aly sometimes did, but in my case, I know it won’t. I know I’ve got another 20 years left in me, and if I didn’t kill myself when he died, I may even have 30.

I started a monthly coffee subscription on Amazon with an assortment of flavored coffees. It’s much cheaper this way than getting it at Walmart and I couldn’t get this kind of variety there. What pisses me off about Walmart is that every time I find something I really like, they stop selling it. I can no longer get my reduced sodium Vienna sausage links from them. The ones I like are actually a mix of pork and chicken, I think. Either way, I’ll have to get them from Publix until they too stop selling them. They’re really great if you want a bite to eat but you don’t want to cook anything or you don’t want anything that big.