I wasn’t going to do an entry today, but I might as well to kill time since I have another hour before I’m going to start reading myself to sleep. This day - or night, I should say - seems to be dragging on and on forever. I just want to get into bed and end my day already! Hasn’t been as bad as last night, but still. I’m at the point where I’m wondering if I’ll ever be happy again. I’ve at least been doing voice tweets on Twitter and that helps get things off my chest. Not very happy stuff at all, though, so I guess it’s a good thing almost no one listens.

Still not sure if I want to bother with multiple Twitter accounts or not. I think one might be enough. Especially since they seem to be full of shit as far as releasing Twitter Notes to everyone. It seems to be just for journalists.

Galileo recommended some supplements for both anxiety and depression. Vitamin B complex is the most recommended thing for depression. One of the foods rich in vitamin B is eggs, so I had some earlier and that might have helped. I also had some a couple of days ago and felt better. So if I have to down eggs every day, I will. Fuck high cholesterol in that case. Again, I’m not interested in problems that have no symptoms, and personally, I don’t give a shit if I die sooner than I think I’m going to. I still have a strong feeling I have a couple more decades to go, but I would rather feel good and not live as long. Emotional well-being is way more important to me than physical well-being. It may sound funny but for me personally, not feeling well emotionally is way worse than not feeling well physically. I’d rather all the pain in the world or something than the anxiety and depression I’ve been experiencing on and off this last month.

There’s a part of me that says I really should pass on a therapist and start accepting myself as I am and learning to live with it. Just like a gay person should accept themselves as they are and not go for “conversion” therapy and shit like that, maybe my trying to run from and change the way I’m meant to be as an older person is all wrong. Sooner or later I have to get used to it, and the way to do that is to just embrace and face it. Some things are just better off left alone like my ear should have been. Yet I am going to try some of their supplement recommendations before I resort to a therapist. I just don’t know what else they could do for me that I haven’t already tried. That’s why I never returned to Stacey. Also, I seem to have a problem with things only working for a while. The tapping Stacey taught me worked wonders at first, but then just like with the lorazepam, It didn’t help after a while.

I read that a study conducted shows that women are happiest between ages 65-79. Oh, great, so I can suffer for another 8 years, right? I think my happiest years were in my late 30s. I had some good years in my 20s and early 40s, but my late 40s and all of my 50s so far have been pretty shitty.

I also find myself missing Aly. I really wish I could share what’s going on with her. I know she doesn’t mean to, but Jessie frustrates me because she doesn’t remember a lot of what I tell her and she’s not as intelligent as Aly was. I told Jessie I was struggling with anxiety and depression again, and she said that she hopes I get my thyroid numbers normal because that would help. I had to remind her that my numbers are normal.

I know it’s wrong of me to compare the two, but Aly would have remembered what I told her and she would have followed up that day to see how I was. Jessie waited over a day to respond to me.

I can’t help but wonder about Aly. Does she somehow continue to go on? Is she aware of what’s going on with me and others she knew? Is she in a better place? What would her life be like now if she was still alive? She’s only been gone a year and a half but I wonder…if Cam was real, would she still be with him? Would she still be teaching? Would we ever have met?

It just seems so unfair! She didn’t want to die, she just didn’t want to suffer and keep having all kinds of health problems. She wanted to live. Yet here I sit with little to nothing to offer the world though I keep on living even though I’ve lost my zest for life. Everything is going fine in my life and I’m blessed with a loving husband yet my chemicals or hormones or whatever the fuck they are won’t let me enjoy what I’ve got.

Regardless of how many years I have left to live, I don’t think I’ll ever be happy again no matter what’s going on in my life. I feel like my brain is permanently broken or something. There’s nothing worse than anxiety and depression. Not pain, not puking, and sometimes I wonder if not even death is worse. Not existing is better than existing with regular suffering. But I do exist and I have to live with whatever life hands me, like it or not. I would have been dead a long time ago if it wasn’t for my husband. Neither of us can live forever, though, so this can’t go on forever. The rest of my life, maybe, but not forever.