I’m so pissed right now. Not only did I have a horrible night last night emotionally and wished I could drop dead but the trash/recyclers have finally switched over to the really loud trucks they used at the old place. I knew they would sooner or later too. The places I move to get noisier with time, not quieter. They woke me up twice today. I was able to go back to sleep, but still, they pick up trash twice a week here and recyclables once a week. That means I’ll be woken up three times a week just like at the old place. I doubt this is a one-time thing too.

We went to CVS yesterday and tomorrow we’ll go to Walgreens to pick up my meds.

I realized I don’t have to be so all or nothing when it comes to alcohol, and will allow myself one bottle or one 4-pack per month.

I’ve been updating Galileo on my progress physically and emotionally, and let them know that while I feel better physically, I’m still not feeling well emotionally. I got some children’s chewable magnesium that has three different types of magnesium. But I’m sure that just like clockwork lately, I will be suffering in the middle of my day, which happens to be around 10:00 PM today.

I swear the years seem to go by faster as I get older but the days themselves last longer. Whether it’s connected to hormones, the medication, or something just broke inside me, I know I’m never gonna get better. The only question is when the next calm spell will come and how long it will last.

Not knowing the causes for sure (I hope it’s mostly the hormones) as far as what’s making me feel so crappy emotionally or what to do about it is really frustrating. Knowing I’m untreatable because I can’t tolerate medication doubles that frustration. If I live, then sooner or later I’m going to be postmenopausal enough to rule that out but what if I never find the cause(s)? What if it never goes away on its own?

A part of me is tempted to do video therapy wanting to get whatever I can get for free from the fucked up government but then I hesitate because I know they can’t help me. Just like I’ve been saying for 8 years, I wouldn’t have this in the first place if something didn’t want me to suffer just like I wouldn’t have this sleep curse if I was meant to make money. I just don’t know why this is happening. Is it because something up there hates me? Is it for some other reason? Am I really that bad a person that I deserve this?

And then I asked myself this…what if I had a bottle of lorazepam right now? Would I actually have the guts to down at all? There’s no doubt in my mind that if he suddenly died I wouldn’t hesitate but otherwise, I don’t know that I would have the guts to go through with it. While I’m pretty sure I’d just fall asleep and never wake up, what if I don’t? I read that some people end up in a coma, and some just sleep for a long time. These fears go through my mind as to what could go wrong when I think of actually going through with it. So now I feel twice as overwhelmed and hopeless. I can’t live with this but I don’t know that I have the guts to end it either.

My worst fear is that this is just how I’ve become as an older person just like I’ve become more and more farsighted, fat, and other things. Things change for us physically when we get older and I fear that this is also the case for me emotionally. I’m afraid that I can’t get back to my old self emotionally any more than I could get back to my old self physically.

I could tell myself that this spell won’t last forever but I don’t know that I could enjoy a break when and if I could get one knowing that it would only be a matter of days, weeks, or months if I was really lucky before I was feeling like shit again. So what do I tell a therapist after I tell her that I’ve already tried everything from medication to natural supplements to meditation to tapping to all kinds of things and nothing has done me any good?