I just finished lunch but I didn’t eat much as I’m not big on pastrami, tuna or turkey.

Bill, who’s another patient here, gave me some matches so we can sneak a smoke at night. He knows the right times to do it and knows the staff’s scheduled times that they check on us. Every two hours, I guess. Jeanie will certainly distract the staff from any other patients. They’re busy with her every night cuz she’s always acting out screaming and yelling and being tossed into the time-out room. Because my roommate Lindsay doesn’t smoke, I’m gonna zip across to Bill’s room and puff the smoke out his window. He’s leaving tomorrow so I don’t know what I’m gonna do then. I’ll have to find another place to smoke.

We had two groups already. One was group therapy and another was aerobics which really felt good to do and I never tired out to where I had to stop and take a break. The girl who runs it is also named Jodi and she’s so cute. She says she can tell I dance and that I have good muscle tone.

Later...

After all the groups were finished I finally got a little attention one-on-one with my therapist Gloria.

Besides getting up too early and not being able to smoke whenever we want, that’s the other thing that bugs me. I feel there’s not enough one-to-one attention and too much group therapy. I really do enjoy talking to the other patients, though, too.

Me and this really cool girl named Kathy were just outside throwing rocks over the roof. It’s a low roof and Bertie (Roberta) was in her room on the other side, seeing them fall off.

Kathy and Bertie both say they have beautiful, feminine gay female friends who they’re gonna introduce me to. We’ll see, but either way, they know I’ll continue to be their friend and they can call me anytime they want.

Our door here went through quite a bit between Lindsay and I. She kicked it once and now has a sore foot and is using a cane. I slammed it twice. I’ll get into that and also write about this guy Robert and about something funny between Bertie and I and a staff member named Debbie.

First, I made two beaded necklaces. The beads are super tiny. I made one for Mom to mail to her for her birthday. I also made one for myself.

I forgot the names of Bertie’s gay friends, but Kathy’s best friend is also Jodi.

When I spoke one-on-one with Gloria and in a women’s group with Lydia and another group with Beth, I addressed my frustrations about life.

Later...

This guy Robert who we call Bob is so weird yet so funny. Me and Kathy and Bertie mimic him all the time. He blows air out in such a funny-sounding way. Sort of like snorting. Actually, it sounds more like blowing on a straw or slurping on a drink.

Earlier as I was heading towards my room, Bertie asked Debbie, a staff member, if she could watch her shave her legs (she’s restricted from using sharps by herself). I said “ooh” and burst out laughing. Then I asked Debbie if she could watch me brush my hair. So, I’ve been teasing Bertie all night asking her who’s gonna watch her shave.

I called Tammy earlier who was doing my laundry at the time. She’s on an antibiotic cuz her ear is filled with fluid and infected. I asked how Lisa’s concert went at school, and Tammy said fine. I finally remembered to tell her how I found Lisa’s note under my pillow.

She’s gonna bring me more clothes, money, cigarettes, hair stuff and sneakers. Beth, a staff member here, is letting me borrow hers. Obviously, she’s small, too.

The bad news is wondering whether or not Dad will make it to see me tomorrow. Visiting hours are from 6 PM - 7 PM. He’s driving up and he’s got engine trouble. Bummer! He told me he was gonna drive rather than fly cuz it’s cheaper. Now he’ll get to break down instead and spend much more money to get the engine fixed.

Later...

Tomorrow, I’ll have been here for 5 days. When I am leaving, I don’t know.

I got really pissed off at one of the nurses here named Claire. I was wearing a black tank top. The same one I came in here wearing that no one said shit about which more than covers my tits. As I went outside to smoke, she told me it was skimpy and I needed to put a shirt over it. I told her I was plenty covered, I’m an adult, and that if she doesn’t like it, don’t look. Then she threatened to restrict me from smoking. Some of these staff are just so determined to “win” and have their way.

Before leaving, I’m gonna get the payphone numbers and get all the ones I hate when I leave. I’ve also kept my mouth shut about the edits and I’ll continue to do so, although I could care less if they did know it was me. For a while, I’ll keep them confused and there are 4 payphones here so I’ll keep them all ringing one night non-stop. They’ll be running back and forth not knowing what the fuck to think or do.

There’s not much else going on, but I hope to hell my dad makes it here ok tomorrow.

My probation officer knows I’m here and she spoke with Gloria. Gloria told me that she said to call her when I leave. Tammy said Celia went into a thousand questions and Tammy went off on her saying, “This is asinine. She doesn’t even need to be on probation.”

Life is never fair and it’s full of spiteful witches like Claire.

I straightened out my hair earlier and it is getting long! It reaches just to the crack of my ass when it is wet! I love it even though I sure could use 2-3 inches trimmed. I’d still rather have long dead split ends than have short healthy hair.

Bill and I sneaked a smoke earlier and we’re gonna do it again after the staff goes to do their rounds. He’ll come give me the signal cuz he knows the times.

Tonight, I’m not gonna take my Benadryl and I sure hope I don’t wake up so damn groggy. Hopefully, it’ll be a bit easier to get up knowing Dad’s gonna be here. I hope he’s gonna be here. He better be here. I need him to be here. Please God, let him be here.