Not much has happened so far since I last wrote. I asked for some Benadryl last night to help me fall asleep. I didn’t fall asleep, though, till nearly 2:00. When I was woken up this morning I was extremely tired. I’m just finally waking up now and I put on some makeup and brushed out my hair.

Roberta and Kathy, two girls here, have been super supportive and I think we’re gonna remain friends when we leave. A girl named Bridgett, too. I gave all 3 my number, but today Bridgett will be leaving.

Several people told me they were proud of me and admired me for being out of the closet and saying I’m gay.

What’s the big deal? I am what I am.

Roberta and Kathy say they both have gay friends I may be able to meet. Either way, whether I meet people through them or not, I will be there for them to call if they’re having a rough time with anything.

It’ll be lunchtime soon and thank God for that as I’m very hungry.

Later...

Right now I am a bit frustrated, pissed and depressed. First of all, I’m really getting very sick of having to get up at 7:00. Secondly, I’m sick of a few unnecessary smoking rules they have here. After your first 24 hours here, during daylight hours, you can smoke as often as you want. You just need to get a staff member to let you outside into the courtyard and to light your cigarette for you. When it gets dark, you can only go out to smoke at certain scheduled times. They’re usually an hour and a half to an hour and 15 minutes apart. The worst smoking rule is that there’s no smoking at all after 10:30 at night. Unfortunately, they don’t allow us to have lighters or matches so I can’t sneak a smoke at night.

I also miss being alone even though I like these people. I sure do miss music and singing. I miss Shadow and my TV shows. I really really miss Andy, Fran, Nervous, Jessie and Steve.

My roommate Lindsay and I were just talking about some personal issues. Mainly about our families and the places we’ve been in. The weird thing about it is that both Lindsay and I have had huge falls. She fell off a cliff and broke her back, and of course, I jumped out a second-story window and broke my arm. I feel better after talking to Lindsay but I still have the same two issues bothering me that I can’t control. I hate wanting to do or to have something I can never have or do. Stuck with no choice but to accept never having it which can be so incredibly hard at times. I still wish I could have my dream and live my dream of being a singer. I also wish I could meet more feminine gay women to have one-nighters with once or twice a month, rather than once or twice a year.

One of the shrinks here along with a few staff members and patients insists they know enough feminine ones. Even Ann Marie said that, but where are they all? Is God hiding them all from me? Only one I know is Ann Marie unless you want to count Nissan P, that stuck-up bitchy bus driver and one or two others whose names I can’t think of now. I did see a late-night talk show taped in Boston that featured “lipstick lesbians,” but to meet these people is nearly impossible. Especially when you’re non-sociable, not big on bars and have little money to spend on ads.

I spoke to Tammy earlier and gave her a short list of other shit I need her to bring me. I’ve also got to think of other clothes I want her to bring. I hope I don’t run out of cigarettes before she comes up and brings me more, but if I do, I’m sure Roberta or someone else here will help me.

The only other worry I have is about how long it’ll take me to get a new apartment and get moved into it.

That’s all that’s been going on basically. Some things are changing and some things will never change.

During the daytime, we have several groups we must attend, and in an art class today we’re making something quite cool. I hope I can buy and make this sometime myself. It’s a little hard to describe, but you put these assorted colored pieces of ceramic on a small square board, then the art director finishes it. After you glue on the ceramic tiles, she pours grout on to fill in the gaps and spaces. It also securely and firmly holds on the ceramic tile pieces. It should be all done tomorrow as it has to sit and set overnight.

About 5 or 10 minutes ago, I paused to go have the last cigarette at 10:30. I was also given a shot of my Alupent and Benadryl. It helps me to fall asleep without having such a groggy hangover in the morning. The Benadryl is now beginning to settle in. I’m getting sleepier. I have no choice for now. I must take it even though I don’t have to. It’s the only way to get more than 2 or 3 hours of sleep before having to get up at 7:00.

The meds are given out at 8:00 and the first group is at 9:00. They give me my Theodur at 8 AM, noon and 5 PM. The Alupent is as needed.

It is about 11:00 now and I guess I’ll try to go to sleep soon.

Later...

I still cannot sleep even though I know I should try. Maybe I’ll try counting from 100 backward as the relaxation therapist suggested and says she does.

The back part of the bed goes up and down like the bottom does. You can sit up, lie flat and also have your knees up if you want. It’s a regular hospital bed. This place looks like the ER with two patients in a room and sliding curtains for privacy. It is a real hospital and looks totally unlike the Brattleboro Retreat but this place is short-term.