The shittiest thing that happened since I last wrote is that I had a major panic attack. I thought I was dead for sure. It was very scary. Due to lack of sleep and stress from all the noise and commotion around here, I felt really shitty late one night. I became very depressed due to feeling so trapped here. I once again thought of how I was nowhere musically, I missed my friends and got more cuts from SS. I’m supposed to get $442 monthly, but cuz I moved I had to pay on premiums. Naturally, I was never told about this and found out the hard way when I called my bank to verify my direct deposit. Thank God, though, or else I’d have bounced checks up the yin-yang. All I could dream about was an immediate escape. A one-week vacation on an exotic and tropical beautiful island or beach in a gorgeous hotel. Or a luxury cruise. With maybe a little lust here and there with a gorgeous woman. Hell, I even considered a week in Florida with my parents!

For hours that night, I fought off the tears trying to be brave and tough it out, but then the tears came and I lost control. I was hot and sweating miserably and my heart was racing like crazy. It was pounding so hard one could have easily seen it from across the room. I hesitated on calling the crisis center here, as the last time they made me feel worse rather than calmer. My feelings were thrown up in my face and condemned. I was made to feel stupid about them when there is no “wrong” emotion. Finally, I gave in and called but refused to identify myself. There was this massive roaring sound in my ear and I became dizzier and dizzier. Finally, I just passed out. When I could get up I was wheezing quite bad and it took quite a while to open me up. After a few more hours, I finally could relax enough to go to sleep.

The next day I felt weak and shaky but by dusk, I was beginning to feel much better. I was so grateful when I was feeling better. It was a nightmare. Almost as if someone was smothering me with a pillow and just when I thought I’d die, they released me.

That day I called dad and he called me back. After we spoke I felt a lot better. He cheered me up quite a bit and really let me get it all off my chest. I told him how the only better things were the buses I had access to and the family. Financially, I thought I was supposed to be better off. Instead, it’s worse until this summer. My money’s going to be refunded retroactively.