God, I hate you! I got up this morning and said to myself, maybe, just maybe, I can turn on a talk show while I’m waking up and it won’t be all about teen pregnancy and sickos getting pregnant for a change, just like 4 out 5 talk shows seem to be about these days. Sure enough, though, I had to hear about all kinds of teen pregnancies on one talk show. Then I go to change the channel and take a chance on another talk show and I had to hear all about a 13-year-old who got pregnant by her boyfriend’s father.

I swear, it’s like God’s rubbing in my face what I can’t have! Why must he tease, torture and taunt me like this? Now I can sort of relate to how my parents feel about my repetition. I can’t even turn on the fucking TV without hearing babies this and babies that and pregnant this and pregnant that. Almost every commercial is about being pregnant and having babies and so is almost every show. I’m sick of it! Like this makes it easier for me to have to deal with my never being able to have a kid? Enough is enough! It makes me sick! I’m almost afraid to turn the TV on these days. I’m tired of hearing about pregnant 12-year-olds on one channel, then flipping to the next to hear about the pregnant 15-year-old, then to the next to hear about the pregnant crack addict who’s broke, then to the next to hear about the pregnant Ku Klux Klan member, while I’m on the verge of getting my period any second here.

Later...

I just had to take a few minutes out there, cuz I just ended up bawling my eyes out. I picked up Piggy and went outside, as he makes me feel better. Also, I clipped his nails. I know I was at God’s mercy by crying like that. That’s just what he wants and I know he was up there laughing. I could feel such hate all around me. I tried to remind myself, hey, look. You need to deal with this. God’s never gonna change, he’s never gonna let you have any control over your life and that includes the right and choice to have a child, so just get over it. It sure is hard at times, though.

In a minute, I’m gonna jump in the shower. I suppose I should shave my legs. I guess Tom would like that better, but then again, he’s not gonna touch me, so I’ll do it tomorrow. Maybe this weekend he’ll touch me. If I behave. If I talk and act as he’d prefer. Last night he asked to be taken care of. So I played with his dick for a few minutes, then he wanted a back rub and said he was gonna go to sleep. I asked if he wanted me to finish taking care of him and he said no. Now, I know we all have our ways, quirks and feelings, but this still just seems so weird to me. I can’t imagine someone wanting to get all excited for nothing. I know that if he starts something with me, I expect him to finish it, or else I’ll be left horny and that’s no fun. I wouldn’t be surprised if he wanted me to get him going so he could finish off the job after I left the room. Even that seems weird to me too, cuz if I’m gonna get my own self off, I’m gonna get my own self started and not bother with anyone else being involved unless I want them involved from start to finish.

Later...

Took my shower and went through the mail. No goodies today. Just a flier for Tom and an NPN envelope for me.

The weather has really cooled down here. It’s breezy out there now and at around 10:30, it was even just a touch chilly. Around now, though, is when I wish this place would turn into Florida. Before we know it, the days will be chilly and the mornings and nights will be freezing.

It’s really cool to hear all my wind chimes going off. I’ve got so many now (7) that it’s hard to tell which one’s which.

I’ve got some good news which is gonna equal bad news, cuz it always does. Next door has been beyond too good to be true. I mean, they’ve been the best they’ve ever been. Not a sound. Not even music playing softly. It’s been this way ever since I mentioned that bad heart I’m supposed to have and that I got from my daddy, so I wish I’d thought of that piece of crock long ago.

I can’t see myself meant for heart problems and I sure as hell hope that God’s not gonna fuck with my heart now for lying about it. Especially since it’s an absolute no-no for me to do any wrong, big or small, and get away with it. It’s almost like he expects me to be perfect, while he denies me most things I want, takes just about total control over my life and God help me if I step out of line. Whereas others can get away with anything and have control over their own lives and get most of what they really want.

Anyway, since bad equals good and good equals bad, I wonder what he’s gonna do to replace their music? He’s gotta do something, so this means they’re either gonna start up again with the music or some other source of noise, or God will stick someone else’s shit on me.

The person who started the saying, “You can have anything you want in life if you work towards it,” really burns me up. This is so untrue in some cases. 

Another thing that Andy said that’s supposed to be in the Bible is how God’s supposed to be a jealous God, wants to be loved and thought well of by as many people as possible. Well, if this is true, it can’t apply to me. If he wants it to apply to me, he’s gonna have to not only make some serious changes with me but with the world itself. If he stops this world’s unfairness and sickness and cruelty and allows more stable 30-year-olds to have kids, then yes, I’ll look at him in a much, much more positive light and I may even love him. I mean, come on. There have been wonderful and shocking things that really have happened to me that I never thought could or would happen and I’ve been made to eat my words, so why not a kid, too? What’s the big deal? What a stupid question, though. I know damn good and well what the big deal is.

If I can’t control my life, I wish I could at least have control over my own damn mind then. Then I wouldn’t want the things I want, since 99% of the things I want are impossible and 75% of them would take forever to achieve.

Well, since I don’t care to turn on the TV to hear all about babies and the wrong kinds of people getting pregnant, I think I’ll go work on squashing and fixing up journals on the computer. I’ve got up to 55 squashed and up to 23 fixed, so that’ll be what I’ll go continue working on now.

Later...

I’ve had enough writing for now, so I’ll just quickly say that we went to the library and Gloria’s concert on HBO sucked, but I’ll expand later.