Got some cat and dog stickers from the ASPCA today. So, since this journal and the next are heavily decorated in the inner covers, I went and decorated the 5 Lisa Frank books. I also stuck a dog and a cat each on envelopes that’ll go to Kim and Larry. I didn’t for Bob, cuz I think they might think there’s drugs or something hidden within or under the sticker, so I didn’t take the chance.

I also designed that boring journal cover of Kim’s she sent. If someone gives me a journal, fine. But if I don’t like it, I can always design the cover myself and that’s just what I did. I used some of the cat drawing pictures that Kim sent that were in one of the calendars. I’ve got 2 on the front cover and 2 on the back. I laid them down and then wrapped them up with clear contact paper.

I don’t know if I mentioned this, but the trip took about 4 hours. That excludes the time we stopped for breakfast on the way up. I didn’t know this, but the California border is only about 2½ to 3 hours away. I always had thought it was about 6. It’s 6 to Los Angeles and any kind of city, I guess.

Andy decided that yes, the print of my journals, which was very small to avoid having to take up thousands of pages, is way too small for him to read and it strains his bad eyes and gives him headaches.

Well, good. He’s gonna bring the book back. I should never have made the stupid mistake of giving him the book in the first place, but you live and learn. I told him, though, that I still wouldn’t be surprised if I died before he does, so then he can borrow the originals.

Tom brought up an interesting point the other day. Through talking to him, I was able to realize that I’ve gotten at least 3 pre-thought-of dreams. Coming here, going to California and his cumming. As far as I’m concerned, though, I’ll still never be pregnant. It’s always been that the things I want the most never do come true and I’ve wanted a kid more than these 3 things. Besides, I still think that goes along with God’s unfairness rule. It doesn’t matter to him what kinds of people live here, go to California and have mutual sex. Especially since the majority of the population seems to have no trouble with mutual sex. It’s not as unfair for an asshole to go to a particular place or have mutual sex as it is for God to allow them a child.

As I’ve been proofreading my journals, on the computer, I realized all the more such weird and scary patterns about my life. Well, I’ve established long ago that I just can’t get away with shit. Anything I’ve ever done wrong, I was almost always caught in some way shape or form. Meanwhile, people can commit murder and never get caught by anyone. Probably not even suspected.

Also, as I’ve said before, I’ve figured out long ago that the more you do wrong, the more God seems to respect you and love you and the more he gives you, though this doesn’t seem to apply to me. If I killed someone, he would not bless, respect, protect and reward me. For some reason, God seems to really be against me misbehaving. Not only does he seem to be against me and hate me when I’m good, he always has punished me when I’ve done wrong. He punished me by having so many people wake me up in different places I lived after the few years I woke up so many people by prank calling them. Now, if I was most anyone else, he’d never wake me up and get me back for waking up others. I know he wouldn’t. He never even punished Andy the way he’s punished me. Yes, he’s punishing us both, as always, and the patterns of our lives are quite scary. He’s so much like me that I think it scares us, as much as it helps us to talk about it and share each other’s dreams that we’ll never have. Here’s another good person, asking for a human and normal thing (and I don’t think asking for love is too much to ask for), yet God’s basically always told him to fuck off. Meanwhile, the child molesters and murderers have no problem finding love and so much more.

But then there’s Gloria. What is with her? How does God see her and why? As far as I know, she’s never been a bad person. I know no one’s perfect, but she does seem to be quite a classy person. I can’t see her ever committing crimes or beating her kids or into drugs and other negative shit, so why has he broken his general rule with her and let her have it all? I guess God just has a few select people that he considers special and superior to others. Gloria may have worked hard to maintain all she has, but she never had to work for it in the first place. It just came to her on a silver platter. Meanwhile, I’ve fought for things in the past and the present only to never get them or to have to wait years for them, all the while fighting tooth and nail for these things.

I really think God hates Jews and women. I used to think he didn’t hate gays, cuz if he hated any such thing or person, why not just eliminate the thing or person? Now I don’t know, though, cuz he hates me and hasn’t eliminated me or gays and the reason why I’m wondering lately if he hates gays, is cuz of how he allows them to be treated by society.

I saw a movie last night that really made me sick. And madder than hell. This was a true story of two lesbian lovers, both seemingly decent and fit to be parents. Well, one had a kid and the girl’s own mother took her to court to fight for custody of the kid cuz of her lover. How fucking sick! Then they say it’d harm the kid? How? How can two people that love each other harm a kid? These women weren’t doing anything explicit in front of the kid. Meanwhile, the straights can do all the explicit things they want in front of their kids and abuse them in all kinds of ways and kill people, yet still keep their kids. How can any court be so sick as to make a woman choose between love and her kid? How can any court be so sick as to have homosexuality be a class A felony? You mean loving someone for who they are and not what they are and what body parts they have is actually worse than prank phone calls? Well, obviously it is to them, cuz prank phone calls are misdemeanors everywhere. Sick, sick, sick!!! Quality should matter when it comes to parents, not gender or how many of them.

And speaking of this world’s motherfuckers who have it all, like fame, money, power, love, kids, and good health, well, I can’t believe (but then again, I can) our own fucking president lied his way into being elected. He promised to fight for gay rights upon election, but what did the little fuck just do? He banned the right for gays to marry. That fucking cock-sucking SOB.

What is it with you God, huh? Why do you want this world to be so sick, cruel and unfair? What are you trying to accomplish? What?!

I just wish I knew why God was so full of hate. Is God really the devil? Is there really no God, but just a devil?

Anyway, since my periods are like a faithful best friend who will never ever go away till I hit menopause, I’ve got quite the PMS case here. About 3 different times I weighed as high as 106 and I’ve got PMS in every sense of the word. I have every single symptom of PMS that PMS has to offer, so I’m a million percent sure I’ll be getting my period by the weekend. I know that tit soreness is part of pregnancy as the body adjusts to the new higher hormone levels, but even if God were fair and would allow me to get pregnant, you aren’t supposed to have pre-cramps and that’s exactly what I’m getting on and off. I’m the most fearful of Tom not cumming again for two years or so, more so than I ever have been since he first did in July. It’s just a strong feeling I get, but all I can do is hope I’m wrong and wait and see what he does.