Yesterday I got 3 new CDs from the record club. The Village People, Paul McCartney, and Alice Cooper.

As far as next door goes, they may give us another wave of peace that’ll hopefully be longer.

When I was cleaning the bathroom yesterday, I heard bass thumping. It wasn’t loud, but it was a little obnoxious. So, as I went to peek out the door, he saw me and said, “Yeah, I’m pulling out.” 

So then I told him, excluding holidays, I appreciate how he’s been keeping it down overall and would like him to keep it that way, stressing the “keep” part. Like, don’t you fucking get it yet, freeloader?

Minnie called last night. She had the second kid she didn’t want or deserve.

Later...

I got a hold of Tammy and told her that I don’t go by hearsay and asked her to her face if she told Mom that I told her of my past sexual problems with Tom and she said no. She said they mainly discussed things in general, but that the only things they discussed relative to that was whether or not I could conceive due to my past and the DES. Due to my past? What supposedly happened in my past besides the DES that could have sterilized me? Is she talking about the years of medications? I didn’t ask, but oh well. I still think that DES or not, it’s God. Right now, for example, I’m kind of bored and I could be putting this time and energy into caring for a child, but God said no. God said I must remain purposeless with no destiny.

Tammy says that whatever I choose to do about Mom and Dad won’t affect us as sisters, but I don’t know. I feel like she’s pressuring me to do what they want and fuck what I want and like she’s never gonna get off my case if I don’t have more to do with them than just send cards for special occasions. She goes on and on with how they supported me for years and I never denied that, but look at all the shit I’ve gotten in the midst of all that supposed support. Just cuz they’ve done things for me doesn’t give them the right to try to control me into being what they want me to be. I mean, my mother gave birth to me, but that doesn’t make a lot of the things she did to me OK.

I tried to tell Tammy that all I wanted to know is if she told Mom what I told her or not, not for her to keep this 3-way bullshit going and gang up on me with Mom and Dad and on and on. It’s my loss, she says, but I see it as my gain if I have little or no contact with them, cuz I’m sick of the bullshit. I don’t want to get involved any longer with the types of people that expect me to kiss their asses.

What if I did make it as a singer tomorrow? It’s kind of sad to know that my own mother wouldn’t want to know about it and that she wouldn’t give a shit. If I had a baby, she wouldn’t want to know about it. What kind of a mother says that to her child? What kind of mother doesn’t say to their kid, “I know it’s not your fault or anyone’s fault, but I’m sorry you’re sterile.” Instead, she acts like she couldn’t care less and tells me not to mention it. There’s no support or anything. She could never come out and tell me that if I needed to talk, bitch, or cry about it, to call her and that she’ll be there for me as a listening ear and support me.

Tom said that when the kid he still thinks we’re gonna have is born, why not send a birth announcement, cuz then the ball’s in her court?

I don’t think so. If they can’t give a damn about me, I can’t give a damn about them or putting anything in their court. I don’t want to associate with those who are only proud of me when I’m saying and dressing and being what they want me to be. Tammy said it’s not like they’re telling me I can’t ever sing or that I should cut my hair off, etc. That’s true, but I still can’t ever feel comfortable associating with those who want me to be what they want and who lie and act like they couldn’t care less about any problems or anything that matters to me. They’d sympathize with me if I had an accident and had to have surgery, but they sure as hell don’t give a fuck about sterilization, cuz they don’t think I should have a kid.

Tom doesn’t think I should smoke, but he still accepts me for who and what I am. He isn’t just there for me if it’s something he agrees with. He doesn’t try to change me or tell me not to talk about something he doesn’t care about or can’t relate to. Tom says you can’t compare spouses to daughters and parents, but still, if you really love someone as a friend or a family member, you let them be themselves. You let them know you care and are there for them if there’s a problem with sterility or anything else. You let them talk about what makes them happy as much as they want or need to. You don’t just take the parts of them you like. Everyone has what others see as their ups and downs and when you love someone as a friend, spouse or daughter, you take the whole package deal. Not just the parts you like and or agree with.

Tammy still thinks that just cuz they’re my parents, who weren’t perfect, who did a lot of things wrong yet still love me, I should just give them what they want. Oh, either way, they’ll get what they want cuz I’m not discussing something with someone who doesn’t give a shit. Who would want to discuss something that someone said they didn’t want to hear? If there was a whole new problem going on with us that was similar to sterility, I wouldn’t discuss it with them, regardless of whether I thought they’d agree, care, or understand cuz there’s no trust there. Absolutely no trust. I wrote the letters I did for her and Dad, not for her to discuss with Tammy. If mom or dad really needed to talk about it and felt they couldn’t talk to me, they should’ve talked to each other. They’ve betrayed me and I could never trust them with anything personal.

Later...

I just had the weather channel on and there’s a big hurricane that’s gonna really slam the hell out of Georgia and the Carolinas. It looks like it’s gonna miss Florida. This one’s almost like Hurricane Hugo was in ‘89 and I see lots of death and destruction, unfortunately. This one’s Hurricane Fran.

I’m still not sure if I like the idea of Andy reading my journals. Not just cuz of any embarrassment I’d feel, but due to the fact that I won’t feel like my writing is private and something I do for me and for me only. Oh well, we’ll just wait and see what happens with that.