Last night was a disaster as far as sex was concerned. I have a couple of theories as to why what happened, happened. It’s either one of them or both, I guess. We just couldn’t get him inside me. He claimed I moved too much, so that was why he couldn’t get in there. The first time I moved too much, but I was pretty sure I stood still the second time around to let him do the lining up. Both times, though, after I got him hard by hand, it seemed he deflated as soon as he tried to get in there. I thought maybe he was worried about me or got scared at the possible close call we might have had, but he claimed he was fine. During all this, I could’ve sworn I felt a presence in the room, but who knows what it was? All I can say is that it didn’t agree with what we were doing. It didn’t agree with us having fun and it certainly didn’t agree with us making a kid, either. Well, I’m still sure a kid will never be made by us, but Tom was telling me beforehand not to nag him and let him be him sexually cuz he has no control over what happens in bed. He also told me that the reason why I feel cursed and like things go in cycles is cuz I decide too much in my mind. He says saying something will or won’t be, won’t prevent good results, but it can lead to bad results or no results. I don’t agree with that one. Not when there’s been plenty of times I said I would and that I wouldn’t be a singer and I still ended up not being a singer.

The other possibility as to what happened was that he decided to tease me for saying I was worried once again about our sex life going back to its old ways and he deliberately made sure he couldn’t get inside me so I’d feel frustrated, embarrassed, and not good enough as a little payback. Maybe he’s gonna make sure, if he can, that things don’t go my way or our way if I say they won’t or probably won’t, just to get me to stop bitching or worrying out loud so he doesn’t have to deal with it. Perhaps that’s it. Perhaps he’s got more control over the situation than he’ll ever admit and he won’t get off more often till and if I talk more positively or not at all.

Well, I still say, welcome back to the good old times. Meaning, I won’t be the least bit surprised if we have to wait another couple of years for him to get off again. Then maybe I’ll have another 3-week period, then just as my body’s able to “hook” he won’t cum again for another couple of years. All I can say is that I hope to hell I’m wrong and that all works out OK and that we have a kid and that he continues to cum regularly enough. I want to have the control over him that he has over me and make him get off regularly cuz I’m good enough to do so. Still, I can’t help but think that this is just a dream. Just like with the singing, just like with the woman, just like with other things I’ve really wanted. While I’m blessed with enough things to be thankful for, I asked myself, has God ever given me something that I’ve really, really wanted bad? No. I always wanted to move out here, but not as bad as I wanted to sing, to have a woman, to have a kid, to quit smoking, to get on a steady schedule. There really is a definite pattern. If God blesses me with anything wonderful, it’s stuff I never thought about. I wanted to move out here, but not as much or as often as I wanted the other things. I never thought about marrying a guy, computers, drawing and lots of other things I didn’t really set out to do that are still nice gifts/blessings. I’m blessed with being in a house and out of poverty, but I never thought of having this due to a guy I was married to. I’m blessed with no longer having to play bus or beg for rides, but again, I never thought it’d be in the way that it is. I’ve no regrets about the way that it is and it was a wonderful surprise, but once again, I ask the same question I’ve been asking all my life: Am I ever gonna get something I dream of and think of and want really, really bad? Since I do believe that God compensates and gives if he takes, this could be a good sign. I haven’t seen Measles today and I haven’t seen Baby Measles for days, so maybe, just maybe, this is a sign that I shall be given something. But will it be something I really want bad? Something I’ve dreamt of and thought of for a long time? Or will it just be a new bird that I consider a favorite? Or is it cuz I got the stereo of my dreams that he took these birds? Believe it or not and regardless of my fears of going back in time sexually and who knows how else, I still do have a good feeling for this next year. A feeling of a major change, too, and babies do bring that. Still, I’m afraid to dream and to hope, but the different feelings I feel are what I feel (both good and bad) and there’s no changing or denying them.

Later...

I just took a quick dip in the pool and that thing sure is cooling down. Right on time, though. It cools down right about now every year.

There’s still no sign of either Measles out there, but we’ll see. It is a weird coincidence that 2 out of my 3 favorite birds have disappeared. Who knows if they’re dead, sick of me, or if God did take them and is about to give me something else in exchange? I just want him to stop picking at me and keeping me in a rut and holding me back. I want him to be fair and show that he can love us enough to bless us with the gift of a child as he’d do with any murderer. Perhaps people would think that’s selfish as I’m sure there are plenty of people out there with pasts worse than mine and with little or no blessings or skills, but this is just how I honestly feel. I don’t think a child is asking for much. I think that’s a perfectly normal and human request, compared to asking God to dump millions of 100-dollar bills on our lawn.