It sure seems like the summer went by fast. Another month or so and we’ll be able to see just how chaotic it’ll get next door. They’ve still been quiet, so I think they’re gonna move soon.

I have lots to tell and it’s basically good stuff. As I knew I would, I did end up getting a full period. Tom still says, though, that my body had to go through “the change” and that my body can hook a baby now. He says that I’ll “get hooked” this month and that I should have no period in October. He said he’s so sure of it that if I have a period in October, I can let him have it and rub in his face just what I think of God and how Robin’s a liar. I don’t know, though. He’s only cum twice since he began cumming in early July with a few small orgasms too, and we don’t get to have sex that much. So, who knows if we’ll even be able to have sex enough or if he’ll cum enough. I still worry at times, that he’ll go back to not cumming at all.

He says he really does believe that a child is a gift from God and that we’ll get our gift, but I still can’t imagine God ever blessing us with such a gift. Like I’ve said before, if he can bless murderers with such a gift, why should he give people like us such a gift? I asked him if he thought God would write off my existence if I asked him to and he said no cuz it’s his job to take care of the world. Well, then why isn’t he doing so? Why are there so many natural disasters and crimes? And so much unfairness? How can he say he’s taking care of the world by allowing 12-year-olds to get pregnant? Teen pregnancies, fires, hurricanes, tornadoes, floods, wars, rapes, murders - that’s taking care of the world?

I wish I could speed up time and have it be next month or the month after that to see what’ll be going on. Or at least take a peek a couple of months up the road, but I can’t. All I can do is wait. Sometimes it’s like two voices are at a tug of war with each other in my mind. One says, “Maybe there’s hope. Maybe he’ll keep cumming and maybe this two-week weird and very different ordeal is a sign of a good change to come.” The other voice says, “Don’t do it. Don’t be a sucker and a stupid silly fool again. You know you won’t have a kid and that things will be the same year after year. Don’t hope and don’t dare to dream.”

Anyway, I think we’ve well paid our dues and do deserve a child. We’re now financially caught up and with his dad dying and with my life being the same and so empty and hopeless feeling for so long, we should get a kid as compensation, but I know God doesn’t work that way. Yes, he compensates us and I’m a firm believer in compensation due to personal experience, but he doesn’t compensate me with what I consider to be the ultimate dream which I’ve dreamt beforehand. Tom is first best, but his case doesn’t count, cuz he’s not something I dreamt of having. He happened, he’s first best, and I’d never want to live without him.

My second-best dreams were to quit smoking and get on a schedule, but when I say the ultimate dreams I’ve had, I’m talking about the singing career, the woman and the kid. I’ve no regrets about him taking the singing career since I don’t care for the lifestyle that goes with that. Also, I’ve no regrets about him taking the woman. I may find women attractive here and there, but I’m attracted to Tom more than enough and he’s got the qualities as a person that I’ve always wanted when it comes to relationships. God did give me my dream of Arizona, but if he took two, he should give two. He took the singing and the woman, so if I’ve got Arizona, can’t I have the kid too, which makes two? It seems like that should be fair enough with God cuz for every 10 things I’ve wanted, big or small, I’m lucky if I got one of them and I think it’s usually 4 or 5 things out of 10 for most people that they get. Then there are some people like Gloria who get it all.

I didn’t get caught up on my sleep till tonight. Tom’s snoring woke me up last night and I haven’t done anything like send the kind of letter I did to Marty, so I hope that my losing sleep for a while there and the 2-week long period really is compensation for a good thing to come.

I may have already got what God considers a just compensation, though, last night. I got up at 12:30 and Tom was up. I had cramps, took an Ibuprofen and he said he had a present for me that might make me feel better. Oh, it did all right! Tom traded in that other JVC stereo for a Samsung that is so much more powerful and so much nicer! Oh, it’s so nice to be able to hear old albums of Linda’s from 1967 really well without having to turn it all the way up. The other one was a stupid mistake on my part as it was just so wimpy. I’d have Linda’s old CDs cranked to the max, sit right by the speakers and still not hear it too well. I also didn’t like how the CD was so slow and how you had 3 separate drawers to put the CDs in where you’d have to check each drawer to remember and see what was in each one. This one’s a carousel so I can see all 3 CDs at once. The CD scanner is faster, and it’s got a lighted control panel so I can see the CD track number and the timing of the song. If the first 20 seconds of a song is boring, I can skip over it by hitting the scan button and releasing it as it hits the number 20. If I needed to tape CDs for someone, I could see how long each song was so I could fit it on the tape better without running out of room.

It’s got dual-cassette and they don’t scan by allowing me to hit play and fast forward at the same time or play and rewind at the same time, but it’s got optional high-speed dubbing. I would’ve loved to have had that when I was really into taping. It’s good to have, though.

It also has a clock, a timer, pre-set radio stations, Program, Intro scan, and a remote. We didn’t get the remote, though, cuz Tom got the model, which was missing the remote, but that’s OK. I can’t see myself using a remote since I always sit right by it and I can always use the program thing to program out the songs I don’t like. That’s what I used to do before when I’d be in there writing. That way I didn’t have to keep jumping up to skip over shitty songs.

I’m just so glad to have a stereo with functions I like and with power and volume. Now I can not only play all the CDs that were problematic on the old box, but I can hear all the older and softer stuff just fine.

Tammy and I were teasing each other about who’s got the better stereo and it was nice to have her sounding like my sister again and not my mother, I told her. I also told her I was glad Mom and Dad opted not to call cuz I just don’t want to get caught up in any 3-way shit and deal with the “she said, he said, you said” bullshit.

Last night there was a big storm and luckily it held off till right after I woke up and didn’t knock the power out, but I’m gonna go outside and check things out. My birds should be up now, too.

Later...

Everything looks stable outside and I just fed the birds.

Tom said to wake him up at 8:00 if he isn’t up by then.

Yesterday morning, as tired as we both were, we took Mom’s car for a test drive, since it had been having problems. It didn’t seem like we went just over 80 miles so fast, but we did. We were gone almost two hours, but it felt like we were gone for only an hour cuz once you get out of the city, you can speed up to 75 MPH.

We went out to the open and remote areas of the desert which is supposed to be what most of Arizona is like. We went to a place called New River and Black Canyon City. There were only a few tiny towns along the way, but they weren’t even a mile long. You could drive past them in two minutes. There was a prison out there too, for the worst of offenders, so they could be far enough away from civilization. It was so beautiful with lots of Saguaro and Prickly Pear cactuses.

Bob should’ve gotten Kim’s letter all worried about me and my disappearance and tomorrow, there’ll be mail service again, and I’ll send him a letter as if nothing ever happened and see what he has to say. He’s either been having a shortage of stamps or just not up to writing as I don’t hear from him too often. That’s OK with me, though, as his letters are boring.

Yesterday Tom mowed and did a small grocery run.

I weighed 104 yesterday, so I’m on a little diet. I’m 102 now and I’d like to get down to about 95.

Today he and David are gonna go pick up the wood for the new patio roof and who knows what else we’ll do? Hopefully, we’ll have sex. Right now, though, I’m gonna go get the laundry started.

Later...

Tom’s up now eating his breakfast.

I wonder if next door will have to work today or if they’ll be having a Labor Day party. I just hope to hell that they continue to be quiet and that if God wants me woken up here and there, it’s not due to anything outside of this household.

It’s slightly cool out there now, but it’ll get hot in a matter of hours.

I found a nice little goody in the outside storage closet. A big piece of an old pool cover and since we have no lounges, it’s nice to lay on and cuz it’s plastic, bird duties, and grass wash off it easily and the grass doesn’t go through it and stick me, and neither does the duties.