I’m really tired now. I had been up for nearly 18 hours when I fell asleep and I only slept around 6 hours. I think it was Tom’s snoring that woke me up. I just hope I get caught up on my sleep, cuz I’m looking forward to Tom’s idea for early tomorrow morning. He’s gonna go get his dad’s car and we may go to the Grand Canyon or something.

I went ahead and forged Andy’s signature as a witness on that form. I told Andy I signed it Mark A. M. and that they wouldn’t check. Tom said all they could do was ask him if he signed it and all he has to do is say he did sign it.

Yesterday, Tom reminded me we can’t know what’s going on with me and I shouldn’t think I do, and that I haven’t been having a miscarriage. He told me a miscarriage wouldn’t have caused nearly two weeks of spotting, that it would’ve been a sudden thing, and then I’d have had a regular period. He says we can’t know for sure, but that I’ve had a lot of symptoms of pregnancy. He says I’ve had some tingling in my nipples, which is one of the early signs. It’s so subtle, though, that I’m not totally sure if that was what it was. He says I was peeing frequently, which is another thing you’re supposed to do in the beginning as the kidneys filter the blood and he also says I’ve been moody. But he always tells me I’m moody overall. He says he still thinks something’s changing in me and that we might call the doctor after Labor Day, but if anything was growing in me, it’s gone now. Today, which makes day 13, I’ve had a little more in the way of cramps and also, the spots were bigger and more frequent. When I got up I wiped off 4 bigger spots.

I can see God just laughing his ass off at me saying, “And you thought for a second there that I might just change my mind?!”

Yeah, well, I refuse to cry. I’m sick of giving in to his teasing, torturing, and games. I’m not gonna be the emotional basket case he expects me to be, but I learned something from all this. I really would’ve been a good mother, cuz God doesn’t give good mothers kids anymore. I’ve had to really lecture myself, too, so as not to fall out of reality. I told myself, he’s not gonna change his mind. What makes you think that after so long, he’s gonna let you have a kid? Did you really think he may change his mind? How stupid of you to even have a sliver of hope. You knew this would be the next step. You knew he was gonna begin this whole new phase of teasing you as far as a kid goes. God only wants to hurt you. He doesn’t love everybody and he certainly doesn’t love you.

Like I’ve always said, if I were smart, I’d get on birth control or have my tubes tied or have a hysterectomy cuz that’d really piss God off. But then he’d just go and do something else to hurt me.

Since I know God can and does make mistakes and since there are about 6 billion people in this world that God may not always be able to keep constant tabs on, I wonder if he “slipped” and made the mistake of letting me come out here and have Tom. Since God loves to fuck with the things I love, want, or mean a lot to me, I wonder if he’d ever do something to hurt Tom just to hurt me. It’s a scary thought.

I’d love to believe that my not sleeping too much lately and all that’s been going on with me is a sign of a kid to come and that God’s getting me in the practice of having my sleep cut short. And that the stereo breaking is compensation for something good to come, but I know better. I’m using my old box now, so I’m not totally without a stereo. I will catch up on my sleep soon enough and I know what’s physically going on with me. My body attempted to conceive, but thanks to God and the DES, it didn’t and that’s why I’ve had 13 days of spotting.

Later…

I just spoke to Andy a little while ago and let him know what was going on. He said he was sorry and didn’t know what to say. Well, you can’t change fate or fight God, I reminded him.

He says he’s tired of being tested so much by God. I can totally relate to that, of course. I don’t know why he’s doing this to me or what he wants from me. I wish that if he can’t have a positive impact on my life he’d just leave me alone and write off my existence. What does he expect me to do? Break down and lose my mind? Well, I won’t. Go to a doctor for help? I won’t. Try to adopt? I won’t. What does he think he’s gaining by all this? Just a good laugh? Is he not only that sick, but is he that bored, too? Doesn’t he have anything better to do than keep picking at me with one thing after another?

How can Tom think that there’s nothing wrong with me and that something’s changing? How can he not believe, also, that it attempted to make a baby, but didn’t or that something’s wrong? The more I think about it, I don’t know if God would make sure something went wrong that’d cause me to have a hysterectomy. Or something that a doctor would tell me has made me sterile for sure. That would spoil his game. He wouldn’t be able to dangle the subject in my face and tease me with it and hurt me as much. He wants this to be a slow and agonizing process, whereas if I should suddenly be sterile, that’d put an abrupt stop to his games. I think that this isn’t the last time I’m gonna go through 12 days of spotting and 1 of a little more than spotting. I wouldn’t be surprised if this happens every few months. I also wouldn’t be surprised if I had a full flow tomorrow. Usually, when my period starts, the first day I have spots or a light flow and the next day I have a fuller flow.