Got up today at 7:30 PM and went out back to check out how stormy it was. It was very cloudy and windy. Then, I heard a noise splashing in the Jacuzzi and saw a dark movement out of the corner of my eye. One of my birds was hurt and drowning so I got him out with the net. Who knows how badly he’s hurt? He may either die or dry up and be able to fly away as good as new, but we’ll see tomorrow. I threw some seeds down and Tom went and got a little margarine bucket to put water in. I figured maybe a cat attacked it, but Tom guesses that it got hit by a car, then went to get a drink in the pool and fell in.

I asked Tom to please pray to God that it’ll be OK since God won’t listen to me. He said he would and he also told me that he does pray for a child. Really? I thought he told me he thought it was best to pray for something you need, not something you want. So God’s been ignoring him, too, huh? Well, like me, Tom’s a pretty good person. It may not be humbling of me to say this, but I wish more people in this world were like me and I certainly wish more people in this world were like Tom. I told Tom that when his dad first became ill, I prayed to God to make him better, but that didn’t work. Tom said that that was meant to be and already set into motion. So are my DES and sterility.

I told Tom that at least I know the reasons why I’m sterile, but he disagreed and said that there’s so much more to life and its reasoning than anyone could ever realize. True. I’m sure there are other reasons for my sterility that only God knows.

I saw some show on TV this morning where they were discussing God and one guy asked a question I’ve asked a thousand times. In a case of two innocent people being murdered and the person that did it going free, how can God do that? The host of this show said that God allows Satan some power for now and that for now, we’re allowed to do good or evil. Then, eventually God’s gonna put his foot down and say, “OK, you’ve set the rules so far, now I’m gonna lay down what rules I think people should live by and make the world how I want it.” Now I doubt that very much, otherwise he’d have done so all along. The host said that if God killed all murderers, people would look at him in fear and think of him as bad and not for love. Not me. I’d love him even more if he’d set people straight and wipe out violent people.

Then the guy said that people kill and do bad things, not God. Yes, this is true, but I still think God has a helping hand in a lot of it and I disagree with when he said we choose everything that pertains to us. I didn’t choose to be sterile. I didn’t choose for my parents to treat me the way they did as a child. I think people give God way, way more credit than he deserves and I think that people fail to realize that God’s evil, as well as good. Perhaps that’s cuz they don’t want to believe God’s got evil in him. I wonder, though. If people can believe in a God in which there’s no concrete proof of his existence, then why are people so afraid to believe in ghosts? In a way, they’re the same things; spirits.

I told Tom that Andy wants to read my journals really bad and he said to do what I want, but that there are a lot of nasty and untrue things about him written in there. True, and I’ve taken back all the shit I’ve said about him that he proved to me was wrong. I asked him why it’d be OK for a kid of ours, if we had one, to read them then. He said cuz the kid’s family. He also doesn’t know that Andy knows about our sex lives in full now. I’d rather Tom not know, if I can help it, cuz he’d be quite embarrassed I’m sure. Only I can know that he doesn’t have to and shouldn’t feel embarrassed, just like I shouldn’t have for the two years I kept the secret from Andy. Also, I know Tom couldn’t help it if he felt embarrassed or whatever else he may feel. So the only way he could know that Andy knows is if he bugged the phones or read my computer version journals.

I think I’m gonna tell Andy that I told Tom how interested he is in reading them, but that Tom would be very embarrassed about it and so would I. That means with him, a kid, or anyone else I know and really care about who could read them. Some stranger or person I didn’t care that much about, would be a different story. There are only 3 people that I’d let read them and that’s Nervous (if he were alive) and Fran and Bob. Not cuz they’re strangers and not cuz I never cared about them at all, naturally, but cuz they’re different. Nervous, if I’m remembering correctly, did read the first 6-9 journals back in Springfield. Anyway, if I ever did let Andy read them, we’d not tell Tom about it cuz it’d be best that way. What Tom didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him and as Tom said, no one tells their lover/spouse every single thing every single minute of the day.

I guess that fuckface next door does have a degree of respect and consideration after all. I heard him leave at 8:15 this morning without a sound. Not one note of music. We haven’t heard them at all today, but I’m sure he came blasting in before I got up and before Tom got home which was around the same time.

I spoke to Andy right before he left. He’s been flying 45 minutes now and will be in CT at 6:30 AM here which will be 9:30 AM there.

Later…

Tom brought home some white poster boards today. There are 5 pieces that are about 14” x 11”. I did one up with a floral design that I’m quite pleased with. I’ll probably do large lilies, large carnations, Snoopy at the beach with a palm tree behind him, and then that floral frame design. I’m not gonna have so many frames, though. I’ll have about 9 instead of 14-16 and the vases of flowers will be bigger.

Well, I think I’m gonna go do the second out of the 5 poster boards which will be floral frames.

Later…

Well, I just got part of the frames done, but now I have to wait till it dries up so I don’t smudge anything. That may take a while, too, as this poster board has a slick surface that doesn’t soak the marker up as easily. Especially water-based markers. I hope the cooler doesn’t make it run once we have that on again.

Next time around, I’d like to get a poster board that’s even bigger than this. I’d love to do some for my family and for Kim (Bob couldn’t have this and he’s not worth the time and effort), but how the hell would I mail it there? To fold them up would put horrible-looking creases in them. I could do one for Andy since he lives here.

It’s just so much fun to do, though, and watch my different creations slowly come to life. I still have to do Larry’s envelopes up, too. I think it may be dry enough now that I can finish putting the rest of the frames on.

Later…

I’m working on my outlining of the different vases and flowers, but I’m pissed cuz some parts of the frame smudged. I may color in the backgrounds of the frames when I’m done, but that would be awfully hard to do having to fill around so much detail. I have a very steady hand, which is necessary to be an artist, but that steady? I don’t know. I’d be afraid of running into the designs.

Tammy got to Mom and Dad’s yesterday. I wonder what kind of time she’s been having. No postcards yet. I’m surprised she hasn’t called from there, but we’ll see. I still wouldn’t be shocked if she did. Then I’ll bet mom or dad will jump on the phone figuring I won’t bother to hang up on them cuz I’d want to talk to Tammy.