I just talked to Andy again for the second time tonight. He really didn’t have anything new to tell me, but I’ll talk to him one last time tomorrow before he leaves. Then, I’ll call him once during the 11th and 14th at the beach.

I forgot to mention something else he told me last night. He said he had a very vague and fragmented memory of something at the beach. As most of us know, I was a little terror back then, terrorizing other girls and boys for no reason at all. Well, there was this family at the beach, the T's. They had 5 kids and the 2 youngest girls were twins. Andy said he has a fragmented memory of Mrs. T and my mother in conflict about me bothering the twins and that my mother defended me.

That part of it can’t be right. Yes, lots of people went to my mom due to problems they had with me, but my mother would never defend me on something I didn’t do, let alone something I really did do.

Shit! I started to smoke cigarettes without punching the pack first. I’ve got to get on Tom about punching them sooner and not leaving it to me since my hands are the weakest part of me.

Andy says he really wants to read my journals. I told him, though, that if I ever let him read them, he’d have to read the typed versions and most of the print is small, otherwise it’d take thousands of pages to print it all out. I’ve only got up to 100 printed out, though. Some of the print is light, too, as we couldn’t always just afford to go buy ribbons the second they died. On a scale of 1-10, a 10 is how bad he wants to read them. He said he’s tired of reading other people’s books and wants to read mine. He said it’s my decision, of course, but that I’ve got nothing to be embarrassed about, but I am cuz I was so stupid and naïve and such a shitty writer.

He said that nothing I wrote could be as embarrassing as my seeing him beating off at the beginning of his videotape for a few seconds. He once rented a camcorder for several purposes. Along the way, he decided to tape himself jerking off to see what he looked like (Why? Who the hell knows?). And as a tape stretches out, you can’t record over the first few seconds. He gave me some tapes to record his soaps a couple of years ago when he either went away or when his VCR or TV fucked up. Well, it didn’t bother me. I mean, I saw it, I know sexuality is human nature and that’s it.

Anyway, Andy said if I thought my journals were that stupid, I’d have thrown them away, but no I wouldn’t. I never thought a single soul would ever read them. I’ll have to think about it, though. To be honest, I’ve got so many thousands and thousands of pages I’ve written in the last 9 years, that it’s hard for me to remember a lot of it. Not the little stuff, anyway.

I’m still really, really nervous about this weekend, though. I know I’ll be sleeping through a lot of it, but what are they gonna do? Just what kind of shit are they gonna pull? Fuck Robin, should she come tell me they’ll be fine. Then again, she’s told me that several times and been right and has only been wrong twice out of the several times she’s told me not to worry.

Later…

I typed Larry up a letter and have gone through the envelopes I drew up for Tom for his birthday and picked out ones I want to do for letters I send Larry. Jenny gets the envelopes, as I’ve said before. I hope Jenny’s serious about sending me a letter and some drawings.