Yesterday I got a Little House on the Prairie video. I forgot all about that.

It looks like the spotting is over with. So all in all, I had about 10-15 spots no bigger than a nickel. Some were much smaller. Tom doesn’t know if I could be pregnant and I say I’m definitely not. It still seems logical to me that those spots had to wash anything out that could’ve started growing in there. I think that what happened with us trying to get me pregnant is that my body got confused, the hormones went wacko and it couldn’t take to the egg and sperm, nor could it kick in a period. My guess is that next month, either on time or later, I’ll either have the same old spots or more of a period. Last night I totally felt just like I do a day before my period. I felt some pre-cramps and I was so bloated and my tits were sore. Today I’ve felt the least watery, there have been no cramps and my tits are better. I’m not surprised, cuz my body thinks it’s supposed to be ending its period. About 3-4 days after my period begins, is when it tapers off dramatically. So maybe, just maybe, if God permits and he cums, it’ll take the kid and completely let go of any spots, let alone a period, but who knows? I wish I could know for sure what the hell’s going on and what will go on, but it’s something that we have to wait out.

In just a couple more days, Andy will be back. I expect he’ll want to be on the phone with me for quite a while. That’s OK, even though I’m not into long phone chats anymore, cuz I do want to hear all about his vacation and what he did and who he saw.

What did we have last night? Well, of course, we had a power failure. It didn’t last long, though, thank God. About 20 minutes. I’m sure there’ll be another in a couple of days.

Later...

I just called Larry at his work number and we chatted for a few minutes. Instead of getting me to laugh by telling me it was 40º, he said he was having trouble getting his trucks out of MA and CT due to the snow and ice.

I didn’t know Larry’s business was in CT. I thought it was near their house in MA.

Then Larry said, “Hang on. I’ve got someone here that wants to talk to you.” 

Then I heard him say, “Take the phone in there, Jen.” 

Oh no, I thought. Don’t put Jenny C on the phone, but it was his daughter, thankfully. So we chatted for a few minutes and she still says she’s working on drawings and a letter for me. I’ll be looking forward to it, I told her.

I’m still a bit ticked off when I think of Mom and Dad and Tammy, but especially Mom and Dad. I think they’ll always complain about me, no matter what I say or do. Nothing’s ever good enough for them. Especially mom, who has no tolerance for anyone who isn’t exactly like her. You have to be a carbon copy of her to get along with her. Or if you’re not a spitting image of her, you better kiss her ass if you want to get along with her.

I asked Tom what he thought about my folks discussing problems they have with me with others. He said maybe they just really needed to talk about it. Yeah, he has a point that I can relate to. I really needed to talk to Kim, Tammy, then Andy about when he wouldn’t cum and when I thought he was bullshitting me about wanting/having a kid.

Sometimes I think to myself, whatever’s been said and done in the past is over with. You know and understand yourself and what you should or shouldn’t say or do either now or in the past, so let it go and just deal with them as they are. Other times I just want to dump the whole family cuz I really don’t need their shit. I’ve been dealing with these people for too long. I wonder if it’s really wise to continue to do so simply cuz we’re related. It’s caused way more harm than good. All I need to deal with is Tom. Not these big-mouthed, lying, exaggerating, negative people who want to pit each other against me and bitch about me constantly.

No, I won’t share my music or art with them anymore, cuz if I can’t share it with those who appreciate it, I’d rather just share it with myself. I try to do stuff for them like a drawing here and there cuz it’s a personally made thing from me to them, but that’s just such a problem with them. Can’t they say to themselves, “Some drawings are nice, some aren’t, but it’s her thoughts and efforts that count.” 

Obviously not, therefore I can’t be bothered to deal with people like that. Well, like I told them, they’ll no longer ever hear one word about it.

It burns me up, though, to know that if we did have a kid, I’d want to write to them all about it as it grows, but they wouldn’t want to hear it. What kind of parent does that to their kids by putting such conditions on them, and just what can I write about? What can I tell them about my life or my interests? I may as well go buy blank cards and write: Hi. How are you? Tom and I are fine. The weather’s nice and I hope you both are doing well. Take care and let me know how things are with you. Love, Jodi Lin.

Then send one out every month. It’s like they just want to know that I exist but not what’s going on in my life unless it’s stuff like the weather. It’s like to them, hearing about the same things that make me happy, is just as bad as if I were still getting into trouble.

I’m just tired of them and their ways. I hate people who won’t let others be themselves and I’m tired of them ganging up on me together, making me feel like I’m not good enough, they’ve always got a problem with me and I’m sick of explaining or defending myself to them. I don’t need it. A part of me is sorry I sent that letter telling them how I feel. They don’t want to hear it. All they want is for me to hear how they feel and for me to be what they want me to be. I’m not gonna deal with them at 30 years old and 3000 miles away.

Larry and I both know we’ve done stuff to each other in the past that wasn’t very nice, but as I told him, at least there’s another family member (besides Tom and his family) who’s funny, sane, easygoing, and who doesn’t have a big mouth and judge people by their old ways, mistakes and faults. He’s not intense like Tammy is and you don’t feel all this tension revolving around him and he doesn’t put up a front about a lot of things like Tammy and Mom and Dad do. With Larry and his family, I feel comfortable and I can be myself. He doesn’t get on my ass about the things that interest me, my clothes, etc. Well, when I think of Tammy and Mom and Dad, it’s best to look at their brighter sides. Like how they helped get me out here.

Later…

I just came in from a swim. The pool is still quite nice, and I think the yellow jackets have mellowed out. I haven’t seen one after another for a couple of weeks. I can swim without so much fear now. This is good cuz I thought they wouldn’t go away till mid-September.

I just hope to hell next door stays quiet and doesn’t say, what the fuck, and blast their way in and out. If having power failures every week had to be my compensation for them being quiet, fine.

Later…

Tom picked up a lovely treat for me on his way home from work today. Chinese food. I cooked him pork chops and potatoes.

I just wrote Tom a little love note as after dealing with my family, I can really then see how lucky I am to have someone like him who accepts me as I am.

I wrote: Thanks for loving me so much and letting me be me. For once I am loved and safe from abuse or isolation. It’s like a fairytale/fantasy come true. I always wanted someone like you (I just thought it’d be a woman) to sweep me off my feet and love me so. I also always wanted someone I could love as much as I love you. Yup, we’re one in millions and I believe our love will never die and the flame will never burn out. Maybe God really doesn’t hate me that much. Well, I look forward to spending the rest of my life with you and being a parent with you!

Later…

Kim called today and I had an interesting chat with her, but I’ll write up on it later. For now, I want to play computer games till a movie I want to see comes on.