Right after I wrote how the spotting stopped, I had more. On and off my body still feels like it does right before my period. Tom still says everything’s OK, don’t worry, it’s just the body trying to get used to the change and trying to get pregnant. I think it’s a little late for that this month, but Kim told me something rather interesting. She said it’s very rare, but she’s known and heard of women getting all their periods during pregnancy. She says, though, that it is fairly common for women to get 2-3 periods after conceiving as the body can’t always make the instant change, like mine, and the hormone levels don’t always settle in right away. She said if the uterus lining has given off blood in the uterus, it can’t contain itself, it has to flow out and no, it won’t flush out a fetus. Not unless it’s gushing or there’s some other problem with the fetus that’s causing the bleeding.

She also says I’m right, I’m probably not pregnant now, but on my way. You do never know, though, she says.

True, that this experience has sparked a ray of hope in me, but I gotta watch out. What if I’m being the same old sucker I was with Scott, the singing, and all kinds of other things? Am I just getting my hopes up for nothing as seems to be the case with almost everything I really want? I just don’t want to go back to being that hurt little sucker, who dreamt silly and impossible dreams for nothing. Is God up there with a teasing grin on his face, just waiting to snatch this dream away with such unthinkable finality? Is he just waiting for the joke to be on me, so he can laugh like hell with an I-told-you-so and a you-should’ve-known-better attitude?

I best forget it for now, till and if anything happens, and keep it as pushed out of my mind as possible till I find out for sure whether I really can or cannot get pregnant.

Later…

The people next door have still been quiet. Thank God. Thank God a million times over, as it really lifts the stress off me.

I’m spotting again. Tom said don’t worry. He says my period can be anything but normal this month, and then after that, too, till it exists no more. He said if it had been normal, then he’d worry. I have a feeling, though. If I can and do get pregnant, I can’t see myself getting pregnant, having no bleeding or spots during pregnancy, then having regular periods after the baby’s born. I see myself spotting throughout the pregnancy (maybe by the 3rd or 4th month it’d stop) then slowly regaining a normal period cycle after birth. I know that’s common as the body can’t just instantly adapt to major changes. After my period returned after the near 3 years I didn’t get them, they returned slowly. I had 4 lights ones a year, then in a couple of years, they were normal. I’d think they’d start up faster than that, though, as 3 years is a much longer time for the body to be out of the practice of getting periods than 9 months is. My periods will also probably be heavier like they were in my teens, due to the fact that I’ll be fat. I sure was fat as a teenager.

Well, enough of that for now, cuz for all I know, nothing’s ever gonna change or happen. It’s too soon to know anything for sure and you know I’m not gonna be anybody’s fool or sucker. Not God’s, not myself, not nobody’s.

Andy will be back tomorrow. I have no idea what time, though.

Tom got forms for the mortgage extension and I’ve gotta see if Andy will sign it for him as a witness to Tom’s signature.