Boy have I got all kinds of things to write about. I’m gonna try to get the little stuff out of the way first.

We didn’t get the sound blocks or back room done as I didn’t think we would, but that’s OK. We still had a very fun and productive weekend. There also hasn’t been a peep out of next door, which is wonderful. Tom got the patio done and it looks great. He also did lots of yard work and the backyard looks the best it ever has.

Yesterday we went over to Mom’s, but she was still at Mary’s. I did the dishes for her and Tom set up some new memory on her computer.

Later I spoke to Ma at Mary’s to see how she was feeling. She thanked me for helping her out, too.

Andy called collect yesterday from his uncle’s farm 10 minutes away from Tammy’s house. He wanted her number. He didn’t go over, but they chatted for a couple of minutes.

I also finished all 4 of the poster boards and have them hanging up in the music room. They’re all of different flowers.

We got pictures of the birds I took and they amazingly came out. I didn’t think they would. There was one great one of Tom and two shitty ones of me. My body looked OK in the pictures, but my face was terrible. Seeing the birds on my lap and me patting them was really cool and I sent some to my parents and Tammy with letters enclosed. We also got a computer disk of the pictures and they look a bit grainy but are still really cool looking to see the pictures on the computer. We can print some out too, once we get a new color ribbon.

Later…

OK, I just straightened up in here, so now I can get into other things and I think I’ve covered all the smaller things.

Tom told me that he always thought my body would react to us trying to get me pregnant by this period being late, the next one being later, and then no more, as the body gets used to the changes. He said he’d have been a bit discouraged if I’d gotten a typical period last Saturday right on time, as I thought would be the case.

Well, I’ve had a totally different experience, and this is really weird. My last period was super light and easy and this one’s been virtually non-existent. I’ve only had a few light spots that I wiped off. So, I haven’t needed any pads or tampons at all. I know that I can’t be pregnant and that all it takes is a few spots, such as I’ve had, to flush anything growing in there out, but I wonder if anything’s wrong with me. I hope not.

I wore liners yesterday and the day before figuring I’d bleed enough, but today I haven’t had anything on and still don’t need anything yet. Now, you know, that even if I’d had a regular enough period starting two days ago, I’d still have much more than a few small spots and I’d still need pads or tampons. I haven’t had shit for pre-symptoms, cramps and bloating. My tits are a bit sore, but I’ve been holding steady at 100 pounds.

Just as I figured, Mom and Dad did cry to Tammy all about me and all kinds of other things, but here’s the shocking part. Tammy said she never expected or thought for an instant that this day would come. She told me that Ma admitted to being a rotten mother, etc. She says she and Ma had a wonderful talk about all kinds of things from her parents to everything else that went on in the family’s lives. She says ma’s smoking again and that she was crying so hysterically that they couldn’t calm her down. Dad’s eyes were watering too, and that’s only the second time I’ve ever known his eyes to water. I don’t even know if the guy has ever cried at all.

So Tom was right. They really do feel bad about the hospitals and pushing me away and having me drugged up, though it doesn’t change anything. Shockingly, my parents and I agree that yes, I was a bit wild as a kid, but they should’ve been more positive and not pushed me away, yes, I shouldn’t have been drugged, but I don’t fully blame them. Like I told them, they trusted the word of an expert, as far as what to do with me, and it’s not their fault or mine that we were brainwashed. Also, the staff of Brattleboro and Valleyhead did the shit to me they did on their own. Mom and Dad didn’t tell them to. The important thing is that we all recognize where we went wrong and are trying to avoid making the same mistakes in the future.

I guess my parents got the wrong idea in my last letter to them. I wasn’t trying to be mean or hurt them with how I said I needed to be able to be myself, I was just trying to be honest. Also, I wasn’t saying that I was gonna necessarily permanently dump them. I just needed to back off for a while. I asked Tammy if she ever felt I or someone else got on her nerves and she just needed to back off for a while. 

“No, I don’t do that, never did, never thought about it, never wanted to,” is what she said.

Oh. I didn’t know she loved me that much and we’re quite different as people. I thought I was someone she could basically take or leave.

Mom and Dad’s basic problem with me is that they don’t want to hear so much about kids, singing, hair, or weight. She says they said they want to know if there’s a problem, and that if I have a kid, that’s wonderful, they’re happy that singing and other things make me happy, but I guess this is the area that I disagree with my family on. How are words harming anyone, unless they’re abusive? I know most people aren’t like me and Tom who couldn’t care less what people say and how often they say it, but wouldn’t they rather hear the same happy things 100 times a day, rather than a bad thing once? This is the part I don’t get. If they’re happy that something makes me happy, then where’s the problem? They say they want to hear about what’s going on in my life. Well, if I can’t tell them that, what can I tell them? I try to ask them questions about their lives, but if I don’t get any answers, I can’t help that. I’ve never stopped them from talking to me as they seem to feel.

They say that they went to Tammy about our problems cuz they didn’t think they could talk to me. That’s no excuse to drag her into it. She has enough problems of her own and I always believed that if you have a problem with someone, you should go to the source, not someone else.

I know I have a problem with interrupting them a lot, but it’s only cuz I may want to respond to something they’ve said before I forget. I am a very perceptive person, but sometimes it’s hard for me to stay focused in a conversation and it’s easier for me to break up a conversation into chunks. You know how ADD works. I feel like they not only interrupt me, too, left and right but that I can’t even say my piece if they don’t want to hear it and I don’t think that’s very fair.

Tom gave me some advice that I think is very good. I asked him how he thought I could go about associating with them without feeling like I have to be self-conscious and not be able to be myself and talk about things that interest me as well, without hurting or annoying them. He said that while it wouldn’t hurt to not be so repetitious, he also feels that if I write something to them that is boring or whatever they have the perfect right to not read it. Well, I know I’ve always been repetitious and that’s my nature, but I’ll try not to be as repetitious with them from now on. I’ll try to keep my letters as brief and as impersonal as I can, but I need to be accepted as me, too.

I’ll probably be obsessed with my weight and hair forever to a degree. As for the singing obsession, well, that ended about 6 years ago when I realized that I didn’t want to deal with the lifestyle that goes with that, I’m not a people person and I don’t like liars and false promises. The kid obsession, I think I outgrew that about a month or two before he started cumming. I wish we never went through that weird sex life we had and that I could’ve always dealt with my beliefs concerning a kid, but we got through it together, Tom and I.

This is one of the many reasons I love Tom so much. OK, I know I get on his nerves here and there, I’m not perfect, but for the most part, I can be myself and say whatever I need to and as often as I need to. We know I’d rather talk a lot or a little about a problem and deal with it, rather than keep it bottled up and go do something stupid.

As I told my folks, I know no parents are perfect, I’m not perfect and we’ve all done things in the past that we regret. I’m glad my mother has realized her mistakes and that she didn’t have to be just like her mother was. I hope she’ll be more positive towards others and easier to talk to and will talk more. Maybe if I send pictures, for example, she won’t just say that she got them. I hope she’d say something, even if it was to tell me she hated them. Also, maybe she’ll expand on the yes or no answers she gives me when I ask about her and Dad’s life.

Meanwhile, I’ll try to cut down the reps and not tell any more stupid lies like we need money for an abortion. I should’ve just told her flat out we were broke and needed money. Not made up a stupid lie. Tammy did say that she said I apologized for that lie and that I do tell them how much I appreciate them getting me out here. Oh yeah, I know when they’ve helped me and I’m grateful for that.

Hopefully, we’ll find a way to get along while we can all feel that we can still be ourselves and be accepted for who and what we are. I think I’ve got a damn good handle on what my faults and flaws are and am trying to better myself and not repeat any old mistakes I’ve made with myself or with anyone else. For the most part, I’m still happy with who and what I am and my husband and I are what counts the most. I can only go so far to please others, but my husband and I are a different story. I just hope that my family will not judge other family members so much by their past ways and that they won’t exaggerate or twist things people say or do as much. I always felt, and still do, that my sister and parents have a little obsession of their own and that’s that they seem to really want to hang onto that image of me being immature, a liar, and just a nutty wacky bitch. I don’t think they realize that I’ve mellowed out quite a bit over the years and that I’m really not that bad to know and live with. I may be unique in several ways, but at the same time I’m really just your average person and I can’t help what they don’t know or understand about me. Or don’t want to know or understand about me and I told them this. I also told them, that in the end, it’s up to them to believe and feel whatever it is they wish to and that I don’t think I should defend, explain or express myself too much if I can help it. I don’t think that’s something I should put myself through, I don’t owe them that and they don’t owe me anything either. Just basic respect is all.

Tammy admits we do joke about my split ends and stuff like that and that’s OK. Yeah, I told her God saved her from that catfish to hear about my split ends, although on the serious side, I’m sorry she went through such a scary ordeal.

Tammy mentioned seeing Marty and Ruth and that she wanted to know if I had their address to send them a thank you card for clothes they got the kids while they were there. Now I knew better. I didn’t mention it cuz I didn’t feel like getting into it and it’s my business, but I know she really wanted to see if I’d bring up my letter to them and I know she knows about it. If they gave the kids clothes while she was there, she could’ve thanked them in person.

Tom straightened up the back room quite a bit.

Evelyn gave me some more paper that I’m using for drafts.

I guess that covers everything for now. I’ll write more later and add anything I may have forgotten.