I’ve got a few minutes to write, but my pizza will be ready anytime now. After I eat and straighten my hair, I’ll write more.

I haven’t heard from Paula, so I guess she’s busy. I was gonna wait till I heard from her, but maybe I’ll give her a call to see if she got my letter.

Later...

Just ate and called Paula. I got her machine, so I left a message saying hi, Merry Christmas, and I hoped she got my letter OK. I told her I’d be up and here all day and night, so she could call if she wanted to.

Last night I was writing when Tom said he was gonna go make a duty, then he hoped I’d be taking a break soon.

At first I said to myself, oh no. I’m not going back to him doing a duty, then us having sex and opening the door again for possible trouble.

You know, problems with sex, another spotting incident, or some other kind of tease from God where I’m a few days late for my rag, get to thinking, well maybe… then in comes my rag. Also, I still didn’t like the fact that I had to be put on hold and have Christmas be our one and only priority. Nor did I like the waves of sex.

Then I told myself, hey, we both need a break. Take all the breaks you can get before she shit hits the fan again. He’ll be sick or having some kind of problem or project going on that’ll put sex on hold, so just enjoy each chance you get and take it when it comes.

So like an asshole, as I was in bed waiting for him, I said to God to please let me be ovulating and let him cum and let us have a child (all things are supposed to be possible with him, right?). So, just like always, I was ignored by God and got absolutely no help from him whatsoever. He didn’t cum. I could tell he wasn’t going to from the get-go, as he wasn’t too hard for the most part. Well, it was still fun for me.

I’ll be mid-cycle this Sunday, but as I’ve learned, there is no right time for me, so it doesn’t matter when we have sex. All I can do is hope he’s available to take care of me when I’m most horny.

I found myself thinking about March again last night. They say God helps those who help themselves, but first of all, I already feel we’ve both done whatever we can to help ourselves. Second of all, should we need medical help, I’m still certain God won’t help us help ourselves that way. He’ll either block us completely (the doctor will say there’s nothing they can do for us) or if there’s a chance in hell that God gives in, we’re in for major trouble. Oh, what he’d do to us and that kid if he ever changed his mind! He’ll compensate the hell out of all of us in some terrible way.

This is why I’m still not sure I’ll be able to seek any medical help. In a sense, he’d be more willing than I’d be. I know the consequences of fucking with fate. Or trying to.

What I’d like to be able to do more than anything, and even more than God giving us a kid, would be to just learn to settle, accept fate, not try to change or mess with it in any way, and just accept the fact that we’ll be childless and be OK with it. God made me the way I am for a reason, be it fair or not, therefore, if I mess with the way I’ve been made, I’m asking for trouble. If God let a doctor impregnate me, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if he took it away. If they could impregnate me, God would just make sure I lose it. If he’s never given me my choice of occupation or personal lifestyle yet, why should he start now?

The easiest thing to do would be to accept God hates me, isn’t gonna let me have what I really want, and just move on. Then I could at least still have my life. We’d have our lives, we’d have more time, we’d have more money, I could sleep, etc. Marla said we make our choices in life, and since everything has its ups and downs, I choose to look at my built-in birth control system as a blessing and not as a curse and just live with it and accept it and look at its good sides. It’d be a hell of a lot easier than trying to fight God in a losing battle. He won’t give in. He won’t change his mind.

When I look back to Tom’s cumming on my birthday, I’m trying to see what I did leading up to my birthday to get that wish granted, I can’t see anything I did differently that got that wish granted and not the baby wish granted. If I could’ve seen anything I may’ve done differently, I’d apply that to the baby wish, but I just can’t see what, how or why I got that wish of him cumming granted. The only thing I can think of is that it was a tease from God. And a punishment, too. Every time I heighten my begging God for a kid, he seems to tease me more and get my hopes up a few percent, so I can come crashing down even harder than when I have no hope. It’s as if he’s trying to prove a point to me and send a message saying, “You get on my case about this shit you can’t have and try fighting me, you get punished by my teasing you in some way so you can be even angrier and depressed than you usually are.”

Anyway, I still have a wonderful feeling about ‘97 and I think I’ve had that since ‘94. I had that wonderful feeling about ‘94 since around ‘88 but was wrong about the events that ‘94 would entail. If I had to guess what the good vibe about ‘97 is, it’s that this is the year I’ll really come to accept and live with my sterility and get on with life. I don’t know how I’ll be getting on with life and what I’ll be doing, but this is it, so to speak. Then God can send me a new problem to have to deal with for 2-10 years. Then I’ll have another losing battle to fight, and then have to learn to live with and accept.

Well, in just 5 days, we’ll have 365 days to find out what ‘97 holds for us that’s so wonderful, but if it isn’t the end of this baby phase and my learning to live with it and accept it can never be, with or without a doctor, then I’d say it’s got to do with some wonderful new job for Tom. Or maybe someone like Anne & Harry will visit. Or maybe I’ll have my old body back and be thin and fit again. A new home? No way. Too soon. I don’t see how we could move for another 2-5 years. My guess is that we’ll move just before or just after the turn of the century.

Well, I’m gonna do, say, write, and try everything I can possibly do to “brainwash” myself into believing sterility’s good, I’m OK with it, etc. It’s the easiest, best, and only thing I could do. I’m sick of having it torture my mind, body, soul, and life and I choose to help myself get over it.

Got a newsletter from Gloria. I guess there’s gonna be some remixes coming out of new and older stuff she’s done. Also, a new album.

I’ve got the bulk of Linda’s stuff on CD now but would like to get at least one more that I can think of on CD.