Sex this morning was fine. I felt a bit of irritation when he first went in there, but once he got moving, no problem. He didn’t get off, but I could tell he was really close. He said he wanted to, but just couldn’t get off and that he was frustrated. Do I believe him and that he didn’t fear getting me pregnant? Yes. He really seemed truly bummed, but we’re gonna be screwing again tomorrow. I don’t expect him to get off tomorrow and grant me my wish (I’ve wished for a month he’d get off on my birthday which is mid-cycle), but at least I was wrong about suspecting he wouldn’t touch me. Wouldn’t it still be just wonderful if he did get off tomorrow? Since I still don’t see how a miracle would happen if he did, I guess that’d mean entering that final step. However, I’m sure God’s not ready for me to enter that final step and I’ve got to remind myself not to get my hopes up of him cumming tomorrow, let alone a baby. I believe that God’s not done with me yet as far as this current step I’m on, though. I don’t think he’s done either punishing me or “testing” me, but oh how I wish I could know and see that I’ll be dead wrong! Please, God! For once, won’t you have a heart and let me move on? Let me have my dream and move on? Please don’t hold me back anymore!

I also hope that given the fact that Tom should be less worried about my irritation down there, pretty horny, and that we’re at the perfect angle for him to get off, he doesn’t consciously or subconsciously fear making a kid tomorrow, he should have no problem. I just hope to hell he isn’t teasing me by getting my hopes up, but I don’t think so. I think he honestly tried today and gave it his all, and I’m pretty sure he’ll do the same tomorrow.

I just hope and I wish – oh – stop it, Mystery! Remember what dreams are for and past patterns pertaining to your wishes and dreams and the fact that God still may very well hate you and have you under a curse or some kind of punishment.

Tom told me his opinion about the saying ‘God doesn’t give us any more than we can handle’. He thinks that’s just people’s way of encouraging others. You know, as if to say, go for it! That makes more sense, like I said, due to the fact that there have been plenty of suicide and homicide victims in this world.

I contemplated praying to God about tomorrow’s sex but opted not to. Why? Cuz if he really does get mad at me when I talk to him or ask him for something, I don’t want to egg him on. Also, fate is still fate, whether I pray or not and he already knows what’s gonna happen tomorrow. I can’t change his mind about what’ll happen tomorrow, either.

I talked to Andy last night and he said that tonight he’ll sing the funny farm song. My birthday song, more or less. He’ll also be over Thursday night.

Andy gave me Marla’s screen name over AOL. I could swear I’ve tried to find her over the membership list, but couldn’t, so Tom’s gonna help me on the 6th. As of the 6th, it’ll be unlimited service at a flat-rate fee. Andy also gave her my screen name.

Tom read what I wrote in my last entry.

Anyway, I’m gonna go do some cleaning, then I’m just gonna read and do puzzles.

Later...

Thanks, God. Now I can’t even watch TV while I’m eating popcorn or potato chips. I went to turn the TV on to an old rerun of Charlie’s Angels while I ate, but the reception was screwed up. Then I went to run through an old Norah tape of edits I’d made from different movies of hers and the tape got eaten up. Ironically, right before this, I didn’t pray to God for a kid, but I prayed for him to keep the irritation away cuz we wanted to have fun and try to make a kid tomorrow and this is what I get for it. This is no coincidence, either, and no one can convince me otherwise.

Why did I even bother? This is really all my fault. I should’ve known better and instead, I got what I asked for. Trouble. I hope I get compensated for this tomorrow, somehow, but I still feel quite certain of what tomorrow will bring - sex with no cumming. Not by him anyway. Oh, how I still wish I could end up wrong!

I think I’m gonna go do some singing in a while. Meanwhile, I wonder if my parents or anyone else will call tomorrow? If they do, though, they’re not gonna get me, cuz I’ll be asleep. I’ll tell Tom to tell anyone who may call that I’ve got a slight cold; no big deal, though.

I called Mom earlier. Tom’s mom, that is, and the people behind her dumped two more bunnies. One just like my bunny and a full-grown white one that’s about 4 pounds. I wouldn’t mind having the white one, but Bunny stinks enough, so we don’t need two bunnies stinking up the place.

Ma says she really likes the puzzles I gave her. She likes number puzzles and now that she’s got a lot of them, she won’t have to worry about running out of puzzles for a while.