Maybe Tom’s right about this being the first phase of getting into some kind of schedule. Yesterday, I got up at 9 AM and was tired pretty much throughout the whole day. I’m usually up 16-18 hours before falling asleep, but I fell asleep last night after being up for about 14 hours and got up earlier today. At 8:15.

Except for being tired and hating to be around groups of people, whether they’re assholes or sweethearts, I had a nice time yesterday at Mary and Dave’s and I feel so much at home and comfortable around everyone. We laughed, joked, chatted, ate and just had a fun time.

We made out very well yesterday, better than I thought we would.

I can’t remember who got us each gift and which things are for us, him or me, but some of it’s obvious.

It’s obvious that the microwave hotdog skewer and the toolbox were for Tom. He also got some T-shirts.

Ma gave her traditional $50 bills and we each got $10 certificates for Walmart.

Some of the things we got, were this Nintendo-type game called Lights Out. It’s got really pretty pink and purple lights and you have to figure out which buttons to hit to get all the lights out. We also got a really pretty cactus picture and blue and yellow checkered placemats and napkins. A strawberry candle and a picture of Mom and Dad. I’m so glad we got this picture, cuz we don’t really have any older pictures of just them. I’d say this one couldn’t be more than a couple of years old. It’s in a gold frame and it’s about 5x7.

Ma said she ran out of wrapping paper, but at her house, she’s got a microwave popcorn popper waiting for us. That ought to be different and interesting to try out.

Stuff I got: slipper socks, body wash, a small round puzzle of a butterfly, and a magnet with my name in pretty colors.

Mary and Dave got me a Gloria video. I didn’t even know they knew I liked her, but Tom obviously slipped the word to them. It’s the Evolution tour I saw on HBO. This is the one where she didn’t look too good or sing too good, but it’s still really cool to have.

Ma got me a journal, so that makes a total of 10 for my birthday, Chanukah, and Christmas. 1 from Mom, 2 from Tom, 3 from Andy, and 4 from my parents.

Oh, before I forget yet again, my folks sent Tom another package containing cakes, fruits, and nuts.

We didn’t end up getting Mom puzzle books. She got a calendar. However, the good thing about it is that she told me she finished the ones I’d last given her. Good, cuz I’ve got tons of them for her in a manila envelope that’ll go to her the next time we’re over there.

Tom got candy and cards from work, so we ended up getting a total of 12 Christmas cards this year. That’s more cards than Chanukah and birthday cards I’ve gotten in the last 5 years.

I guess pigeons can swim to a degree. The other day, there was one that jumped off the wall that divides the pool and spa and he flapped around in the water for a few seconds, then hopped back up on the wall. I’d like to find them something easier to bathe in. Something shallow, yet wide enough to give them room.

I talked to Tammy and told her what we got and I called Mom like I do at times, and thanked her again for the journal. Hers will be next.

The freeloaders have still been nice and quiet. Guess they weren’t around yesterday.

Got a message from Marla, wishing us a Merry Christmas. Her husband’s not Jewish, too, so they had a Christmas party somewhere yesterday themselves. She says she’s going to Springfield for a week Friday morning. Oh, God! At this time of year? She’s gonna freeze her ass off.

We had these fluorescent labels in yellow, green, and pink and I relabeled my CDs yesterday. I decided that the journal sheets I cut to fit the covers, looked really tacky, so I took them out and put labels on them. I like that better than any kind of inner jacket, cuz they always slip out and are a pain. I cut out some old Linda pictures from some jackets and put them in my next journal.

It says ‘Fantasies’ on it. How appropriate for a person like me. All I ever do, anyway, is live on dreams and fantasies, but hey, that’s life and what they’re for.

Yes, I still want a kid and would take it if it came, but I still have my times where I have mixed emotions about that and getting tested or helped in any way. I still fear what a kid would do to our lives and our marriage. There’s no way we could do as many things or be as spontaneous or have each other’s time and attention so easily. I couldn’t write like I do or listen to music whenever I wanted to. Sometimes I don’t know if I really want our lives to be completely changed and so different and I don’t know if I want us to have to give up our freedom and our lives. On the other hand, I still suppose it’d be a worthy sacrifice and I still feel a lot of the time like I don’t have a life and like I’ve got too much free time. Well, this is up to God. Always has been, and always will be.

Also, I don’t know if I’m still brave enough to let them do in vitro or whatever would need to be done to fix us (if possible). I still think that unless something’s necessary, you shouldn’t go against God and fight him and alter the way you naturally are. If I’m as sterile as I believe I am, then that’s how God made me and wanted me to be and there’s a reason for it, or else my plumbing would be fine and I’d have been pregnant by now. I don’t see how it just “hasn’t been the right time” yet.

Tom still disagrees, of course, says we’re fine and that I’ll be pregnant by March. In March, though, and realistically speaking, I know I won’t be pregnant, therefore I’ll just get a pap done and decide then whether or not to bring it up to the doctor Tom’s never been right about us having a kid and after all this time, I don’t see how he ever could be. He may be right about most other things (certainly not the timing), but this is something that’ll go on and on forever and I’m sure he’ll always say we’re fine unless I get brave enough to mention it to a doctor and they say something’s wrong. Tom says I’ll be pregnant by March, but then of course, when March comes, he’ll say I’ll be pregnant by June, then by September, then by December. Every few months. Still, I’m glad he says he’ll do whatever we need to do. That really makes me very pleased and very happy to know that he’s willing to get us help, even if he believes we won’t need it and I believe I’ll chicken out of that. I’m not saying it was wrong of Linda and her husband to get the help they needed to have the kids that they wanted, it’s just that for me, I’d be afraid of what God would do to the kid or us for going against him and changing the way he made my body. All this and the other things I fear about it - the physical toll it’d take on us both, but naturally, mainly me.

Evie said she didn’t plan or expect Nickolena or the one she’s carrying now. Yeah, it fucking figures and I believe it. In other words, they were accidents. A good 90% of our lives are just not what we plan, expect, or want it to be. My horoscope had said not to live a life of settlement or else I’d be bored to tears. Gee, like some of us have a choice?!

I’ve also changed my mind about posting some of my drawings on AOL, as we discussed doing so. If God wouldn’t let me be a singer when I wanted to, or have a child, why should he let me be an artist? This can’t be something he’s been trying to “guide” me into. He hasn’t been trying to guide me into anything and if he won’t help me, why should I?

Besides the longer we go without something (like a child), the harder it is to adapt to the idea of it or having it. Hell, we haven’t had sex since the 5th and it’s not gonna be that easy for me to just fall back into that. I also still have a problem with that, cuz I don’t like the idea of knowing that maybe we’ll have sex for a while, maybe we won’t. I want to either have sex or not have sex. Not do it for a week or two, then not do it for a week or two, and back and forth like that. Tom’s just got too many excuses and lately, he’s become quite the hypochondriac himself. Little did I ever think that my husband, of all people, would turn out this way. I can see people like Tammy being this way, but Tom? He’s always got something going on and some of them, like Christmas, are obviously more important than our time together to screw or whatever. I’ll give him credit for this: he said he wanted to take a break, so we played cards. Still, he could’ve easily made enough time for sex during the last week or two once he started feeling better. We could’ve had some quickies. He could’ve offered to go down on me which takes only about 10 minutes. Just 10 minutes of his time was such a big deal. Once again, I still think he’s trying to instill patience in me and uses stuff like Christmas as an excuse to bail out of sex for a while, cuz I still think he’s not totally ready for a kid. He’s never gonna be able to cum more often with the way he starts and stops sex and has so many problems and excuses.