Oh, what a night it’s been so far! Before I get into it, let me update on next door first. There have been no door slams yet, but the little beast apparently got loose last night at around 4 AM. Both Tom and I could hear it yipping away out in the street. Guess hooking dogs to cars doesn’t work very well. Right after I last wrote, at around 8-something, I heard a couple of doors, then again at 10-something.

So, I ran and prayed to God that the dog would run like hell and never be found (of course, I’m sure that if that had happened they’d think that I was behind it), but I know better. I’m sure it just hung out by the house and was leashed back down later. I thought I heard a couple of barks earlier, but am not totally sure it was that dog. It could’ve been the old man’s dog since the barks are similar.

Other than that it’s been surprisingly quiet so far, throughout the weekend and I guess that that means that they think I’m gonna do something, so they’re behaving so it won’t look bad for them in the court they think they’re gonna have to take me to.

Yesterday I got 9 Christmas labels from the address label company I use. I put 5 of them in journals and I guess I’ll use the rest on Kim and Paula. The Wildlife Federation also sent me animal stickers and address labels. Again, the stickers, which were of daisies, wolves, rabbits, ducks, birds and fish, went in journals and on envelopes. With them and the HS taking care of me, I don’t need to order new fancy labels from Colorful Images, and besides, I don’t write many letters anymore.

Once again, something’s acting like I’m not sterile and like it not only wants to prevent a pregnancy here but prevent us from having a full-time sex life. It’s like something was up there saying, “Oh yeah? That’s what you think!” when we said we were gonna “just do it.” Why?! When is it ever gonna leave us alone?!

We were talking about Cindy, who went over and talked and talked Ma’s ear off cuz she has no friends. I then asked him why he didn’t have friends, besides me, of course. He said it was cuz I’d get jealous. I told him I wouldn’t and that I trusted him. Then I told him that I thought that that was his department and reminded him of how he’s shown jealousy of Kim in the past, which he denies. Then he got angry and said he was going to bed. I told him that I thought he said he didn’t spite me out of anger, so what’s the big deal? I just couldn’t figure out why he was so angry and he said it was cuz I brought up the past when Kim, Phil and Alex visited. He said he’s never gotten over that and that we’ll always disagree about what happened and that we deliberately were disrespectful and did this deliberately, which is such bullshit. Kim, Phil, Alex and I have better things to do than intentionally fuck someone over. Rather than stick around to make him miserable, I’d never have been here in the first place and I asked him, “What? Do you think I deliberately fucked you over?” “You’ve been doing it for years,” he said. Now that really hurt. If I’ve been deliberately fucking him over for years, then how can he say he loves me? And what am I doing here? Because he loves me, he says, and chose to move on.

Well, first of all, I thought we had agreed that we could talk about things we disagree on without getting each other angry. He said we could express our thoughts even if we disagreed and I did not bring it up to deliberately anger him. He said he understood that, but it’s things like this that make me believe all the more that cuz of this and other things, he’s deliberately spiting me by having our sex lives be the way it is and by making sure I don’t get pregnant (not that I could or that God would allow us a normal sex life and a child).

So, he said he was sorry for getting angry, although he couldn’t help his feelings, and I said I was sorry too, and wished I’d known better and was sorry for yelling at him and calling him names, but when am I ever gonna learn to stick to what I say and just forget about having sex with this man and move on? I don’t want sex or a child, whether that’s possible or not, with a man who feels I’ve deliberately hurt him and with a man that I believe is out to spite me and deny me the things I’ve wanted real bad, cuz of any hardships that I’ve unknowingly and unintentionally placed on him.

He said he wasn’t trying to spite me and it was just that love, sex and anger didn’t mix for him. Well, he can do what he wants and I told him so, but not only am I very self-conscious of what I say, but I’m also all the more paranoid and suspicious of his true intentions with me and it just makes me all the more OK with not having normal full-time sex and a child and that bed and the gum to try to quit smoking and a job or anything. I just don’t want to do anything.

Maybe it’s all in his subconscious and he’s not consciously aware of what he’s doing, but he’s been jerking me around and contradicting me in matters of sex and a kid since 1993, and I’m really afraid that this is gonna lead to me not only never touching him again, but lead to me wanting to cheat on him (not that the world of lesbianism and God’s opinion on that, when it concerns me, has changed). I haven’t seriously wanted to, but what if I do? What if I want to cheat on him? What if I want to leave him? I love this man to death, in spite of all I feel he’s done to me both wonderful and not, but how many years does he think he can do this to me and expect me not to develop desires of cheating and or leaving?

Well, if he loves me so much, as he says he does, and if he really doesn’t want to lose me, then after all these years, he’ll change. I don’t know if God will let him, cuz God doesn’t want me involved in any kind of a normal sex life. Never has. Never will. But maybe his actions will someday match a bit closer to his words, even if that idea is just one big dream in my mind.

Although his ways help an awful lot to snuff the intensity of my dreams for a child and for normal sex as the years pass by, how would he like to die and come back as a woman and get the same treatment? How would he like to be spited sexually and made to feel like an abnormal, freaky, fluke of nature and have his dream denied? All with the help of God while the guy ran around saying that everything was fine and remained in denial year after year and refused to get help. Even if God didn’t deny him that dream, a guy like this would.

And when am I gonna have the self-respect I strived for so many years to obtain and stop letting this man, who’s just as guilty as God is, and who stole then snuffed my dreams from me, take advantage of me? If I could just get myself to quit any sex forever with him, he can’t have the satisfaction of spiting me, but you know what? He’d go and spite me some other way. If he’s that determined to spite me, he will one way or the other and perhaps the only reason he supports me and doesn’t push me into getting a job, is so he can have me available for him to spite, and maybe a little bit out of guilt, too. He denies it (not that someone spiting another would ever fess up) and says he’s got better things to do with his life, but that’s like someone saying they’re wearing a red shirt that’s really blue.