When I left Andy a message on what I believe was Friday night, I told him that unless he had something important to tell me or was really depressed and needed to talk, I’d call him Monday or Tuesday. Hoping that for once and for all, he’d take the hint, but what did he do? He left a message late last night, in a fine mood, just to tell me I could have Sandy’s email address if I wanted it. Sandy, who’s gay, lives out in Hyannis, MA, I believe, unless she moved back to Springfield and she’s been a friend of Andy’s for a while. I don’t believe I ever met her, but I’ve met this girl named Nancy she used to be with and I guess this Nancy character turned out to be a thief and a liar and even a bit violent. I’ve seen pictures of Sandy and she’s not butchy or feminine. She’s just there, plain and boring. Anyway, Andy said he got her email address and said that we could be pen pals and I could give regular updates on his life to her. When I call him Monday or Tuesday, like I said I would, I’ll let him know that I don’t want her just for the sake of a pen pal, but that I’ll give her any messages he may have.

Tom explained to me something that he’s tried to explain to me that I’d just laugh at. I didn’t and would never laugh when he told me he had meningitis when he was around 5, nor would I laugh at how it affected sound signals within the brain, but I had always laughed when he told me it made him hyper. He was even on medication himself for a little while. He described himself to be just like I’ve always been - racing thoughts, difficulty concentrating, etc. The reason I had laughed was cuz this guy’s always been the opposite of me as far as how calm, quiet and less talkative he’s always been and he’s never seemed to have any trouble concentrating in the way I have. Hell, he can read and watch TV at the same time. He said that this is one of the reasons he can’t keep the back room organized. He said he just can’t concentrate. But I’ve seen him concentrate on hard tasks before, so if he’s just saying this cuz he really doesn’t want to do it, I don’t know.

I asked him how it cannot show with him and how he’s able to appear the exact opposite of hyper and he said it took years of concentration and that it’s something he always works on concentrating on so he can do things without his mind drifting off like mine does a lot. Then I made some comment about why he doesn’t concentrate on the kind of sex he says he wants and he said something about all his energy tied up in concentrating on controlling his hyped-up state of mind. Another excuse? I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not.

Remember how I said that he went on and on about how much having a home business meant to him and that that’s why I shouldn’t be getting mail here in bogus names (so as to not appear suspicious and like scammers)? Well, he contradicted that statement last night when he said that as long as he’s with me, that’s just a minor and unimportant thing. I’m flattered to be his #1 and he’s my #1, but I wonder if he changed his story about the home business idea in the hopes of me thinking more about him and less of a kid and how our sex lives are. Get it? So I’d do more talking about how important he is and less talking about sex/kid so he doesn’t have to hear it and deal with it. He is my #1 and he is the most important thing. My only beef with him, besides my beef with God, is that he stops lying and denying his fears and lack of desire for normal full-time sex and a kid. That’s all.

He reminded me of how I made the choice to get married and stay in this marriage, knowing how our sex lives were up front. Yes, I did. And yes, if God and Tom have decided that my being with Tom means never having a child and never going to a doctor about it, then yes, I choose my husband over a child any day. God wouldn’t allow me to have a child no matter who I was or wasn’t with, but for the love of my husband, who’s the only one I ever seriously wanted a kid with, I’d give that up, even if I could have a child if that’d make him happy. I began my talk about my desire to have a child in my early-mid 20s, but the desire to have one before I met Tom and after meeting him, is like the difference between night and day. There’s no comparison. But due to my love for him, I won’t have a child and I won’t go to the doctor. Not even if I could fight fate and win. Not as long as he doesn’t want that, but I just wish he’d come out and say so!

Another thing that kind of bugged me when he mentioned how I chose to get married knowing how our sex lives were, was that I trusted him. It was rather naïve of me to trust him, but when he told me he’d cum and cum regularly, I believed him and took him for face value.

Anyway, like I said before, I’m not about to live the rest of my life with these bitter and resentful feelings towards both God and Tom. I don’t want to live with the frustration, anger, sadness and feelings of what I’ve been cheated out of having. I may have been denied one of nature’s most precious gifts, but I’m not gonna give God, the devil, whoever the fuck it is, the satisfaction of seeing it get to me. As for Tom, if I just remind myself that I don’t want this as much as I used to, which is true, and of what a lousy mom I’d really have made, and of what it’d do to us physically and mentally, and of how he’s my #1 and therefore, I have no right to force him to do something he doesn’t want to do, I can live more peacefully. I guess in a sense, I owe him. Meaning, he has more of a right to take away something from me (if God already hadn’t) than I do to make him do something he doesn’t want to do. The man takes care of me, after all. If it weren’t for him, I’d have no place to live, no food to eat, and no animals, computers, and so much more.

Now here’s something that’ll be quite the shocker, since I always used to bitch about it. I was pissed last night that he wouldn’t touch me cuz of his anger and I felt spited, but today’s little tease was actually a blessing. He came out of the shower naked and when he does that, that usually means he’s gonna go straight to the bed for us to have fun but instead, he sat down in front of the TV. Then after a little while, he said he was going to lie down. I kind of felt apprehensive about this, cuz I was not only not in the mood to screw, but it’s not always so easy to bounce right back into the sack with him after last night and knowing that this same old cycle’s gonna go on and on and on. I guess in a way I can relate to his inability to express his true feelings about the idea of a normal full-time sex life and the idea of a child, cuz I know how hard it is to look the one you love in the eye and say “no” to something you know that they really want that you don’t want.

Well, this is when we ended up having our little chat about his hyper side and how he deals with it and it was actually kind of nice. The closeness and conversation mean a lot to me, too, besides the actual sex acts and I didn’t feel as self-conscious as I thought I would. Sometimes talking with him can be like walking on eggshells, cuz where I’m really picky about the housekeeping in here, he’s really picky about what’s said to him and how it’s said. Nonetheless, I don’t think he did have any intentions of touching me, but I’m sure he wouldn’t have stopped me if I had touched him. He’d just have no doubt had a hard time getting and staying hard and he sure as hell wouldn’t have cum. So, like I said, I kind of know what it’s like not to say no to someone you love, cuz there’s been times when he’s initiated sex when I wasn’t in the mood, but out of my love for him, I couldn’t say no. I still enjoy the touching and whatever we do, even if I don’t always get off. I do get off most of the time, though. So, I wouldn’t have said no to him if he’d touched me, even though he’s not your typical male who would’ve had a problem with that, and even though he cums so rarely, but I would say no to something as serious as a child if I didn’t want that.

I’m also doing something that I should’ve done a long time ago. Again, all in the love for this man. I started to pick up the phone and do it the night we had our spat, but he said no, and I put the phone down. He said he’s not telling me what to do and that I have to make up my own mind about dumping Kim. Sure I do. Sure he can’t tell me what to do. It’s my decision, and as much as I love Kim dearly, this decision just doesn’t break my heart like the idea of it did after the shit with her, Phil and Alex first went down, and that’s cuz my love for him has grown over time.

I still believe what I believe and that’s that Tom got jealous and I know that we all didn’t do a damn thing wrong, let alone do anything wrong deliberately. Tom’s not as jealous as he used to be, now that he knows and trusts me more, but I’m no idiot, either. He said he can sleep through noise he knows is gonna occur while he’s asleep. Yeah? He sure did sleep well through those damn Mormon’s kids screaming that he knew was gonna occur and they made way more noise than the 4 of us did and he knew that that’d occur, too. So, nothing’s changed as far as what I believe, but I’m gonna stop all contact with Kim. Alex only occasionally emails me and that I can deal with and that’s not obvious to Tom, as it is when Kim calls or writes. If Tom feels so hurt by these people, then I don’t want these people connected to me and therefore connected to Tom, no matter who I believe was in the right. Tom’s voice is back on our outgoing message and I told him to ignore any calls that may come in with her number. I’ll no longer write to her, either, and as much as I’ll miss her and as much as I love this dear friend of mine (not that I ever expected to see her again), she’s just gonna have to wonder what the hell ever happened to me just like Bob will (thank God Phil wasn’t a friend of mine prior to his coming here!). This is what I want and the way it has to be from now on.

Later...

I feel a little guilty about dumping Kim, I’ll honestly say, but what the hell? I mean, Jenny dumped me after a 12-year friendship. She ended up doing me a favor, which I would’ve done if she hadn’t, seeing that we weren’t getting along, but I know I’m doing the right thing and what’s best. I have the good times to remember and who knows? Maybe our spirits really do meet up with those we knew somehow, somewhere, after we die. Maybe I’ll see her in the sky someday or wherever we go when we’re done with our bodies. That is, if such a thing really exists and if God doesn’t burn me in hell or reincarnate me.