Well, the effects of Hurricane Linda have brought some moisture and drizzle to PHX this morning. We’re not gonna get anything like the massive storm we got hit with last week. Tom said it’ll only storm like that once every 5 years. I can’t wait to see how the roof leak is doing at this point since Tom put all the coatings on, but it’ll have to do a little more than just drizzle before we can see how it’s working. I still won’t believe it’s fixed till I see it if I see it.

I chatted with Andy the other day. All’s fine at work as we figured it would be. He said yes, he’s made some comments to him, but not direct hits. Meaning, he wasn’t hitting on the guy cuz the guy wasn’t his type. The guy was talking about sex in general, as he says the whole restaurant always does, and Andy was simply responding back. Not hitting on him. But I guess like he said, the guy got mad at him for something else, so he took that as an opportunity to flatter himself.

He still doesn’t know when he’s leaving. He has to wait till his folks buy the new car and for Evan to send his plane pass so Andy can fly for only $60. This is cuz Evan’s a mechanic for United Airlines and Evan even has his own 3-seat plane that he built himself. Pretty good for a guy 13 years younger than Marla, much less mature than she is, and who’s just your typical male who thinks below the belt only at all times. I envy her, for that part of it, but at the same time, I know that if Tom turned into your average guy sexually, I’d get sick of that too, in time.

I never met Evan, but it seems he’s an odd pick for Marla. When they got married, Marla was mature, but he was still practically just a kid.

It was another very peaceful weekend here. The dog’s been fairly quiet in the days and all’s completely silent around here at night. Like I said, the winter will change all this, but all I ever heard all weekend was a couple of door slams. To my knowledge, they played no music and there was no company, either.

The fact that there hasn’t been any company or much door-slamming for two weekends in a row brings me to a few theories. If they’re not waiting to jump out at me with noise, after having me think all will remain peaceful, then maybe they’re keeping such a quiet low key in case I do shoot their dog. It wouldn’t look good in court for them if I said they’d been harassing me with noise. Or maybe they just don’t want to do anything to provoke me into not only shooting their dog, but me taking them to court. So, so far, it looks like they don’t want trouble any more than I do, which is cool with me.

OK, I guess that’s it, so now I might as well get into the usual topic of discussion. You got it - sex and a kid. Yesterday and the evening before that, I was kind of bothered again by the reality of the fact that there’s no full-time normal sex life for us or a kid. Still, I just don’t know what to truly believe. My mind goes back and forth from - if this guy wanted to fuck with you as far as sex and a kid goes, he would fuck with you in all areas and wouldn’t show such love, caring, understanding and so much more for you with non-related subjects. Then I go to - a bad person doesn’t have to be all bad and even those who are mostly of good intentions, have their flaws and dark sides. He’s a slick, smart guy who could easily bullshit you. Anyone can hurt you in a couple of areas, yet be so wonderful otherwise and you know how it is - if you can’t trust your own parents, who can you trust?

From now on, though, I’m gonna go by people’s actions and not their words, cuz actions speak louder than words. As long as his mouth says he wants normal sex full-time, but his actions don’t, I’m not gonna push it. And as long as his mouth says he wants a kid, but his actions don’t, I’m gonna avoid sex during prime time cuz he thinks I’m fertile. I really mean it when I say that his words say one thing and his actions say another. My husband who declares such horniness and such a desire for more sex, wouldn’t even go on top yesterday. He just got me off by going in our side position, then stopped a few minutes after I came saying something about his back being tired and not wanting to strain it so he has to sleep it off or get an injury. In other words, he wasn’t in the mood. Then right after this, he took a nap and I wouldn’t be surprised if he took care of himself. The only thing that doesn’t fit, is why would he worry now? He could get off in me if I was the most fertile woman in the world and nothing would happen.

And of course, he just had to go and break another promise. Today’s the day that was supposed to have been enough time for me to see how much more he suddenly squirts. Yeah, right! He’s so full of shit and although he can smoothly cover up his lies about wanting a kid and more sex, I still can see right through him as good as he is. So he’s a good liar, but a bad one, too. He knows that all I can do with what I see him do is suspect, but I can’t truly prove a damn thing, even if it is so obvious if that makes any sense. He’s not stupid, so no matter how obvious his actions are towards something, he’s not gonna admit what he’s really up to and what he really feels/wants and he’ll always make excuses in the meantime.

Even if I were OK, we could never have a child with the way our sex is, unless we got very lucky and had a good God on our side (or at least on my side) and he knows this. And if I’m not OK, but were fixable, even though I know I’m not OK and not fixable, we’ll never get to a doctor, cuz we’ll never have the full-time normal sex for a good solid year or so to see just who’s right, therefore, we can’t go to a doctor. We could, but we never will, cuz he’ll just keep on running around saying year after year that I’m fine and that we’ll have that normal full-time sex life. Meanwhile, the years will pass by and it’ll be too late to see a doctor about both the sex and the sterility, whether or not I really wanted to. I would think that most couples would’ve gone to a doctor about both the sex and the sterility a good two years ago, but this man obviously does not want a child, and doesn’t give a shit about normal full-time sex, therefore, he’s not gonna do a damn thing to help us. He’ll just do everything to prevent the pregnancy he thinks can occur, and also, everything to prevent finding out that just maybe I really am sterile, so he doesn’t have to deal with getting the help that he doesn’t want.

Just because I’m used to his lies pertaining to sex and a kid, doesn’t mean I have to hear it. I’m sick of him denying that there’s a problem here with both the sex and my plumbing and saying one thing while doing another. I’m tired of God’s lack of help and lack of caring and of Tom’s denial and fears holding us back from at least having normal sex. Regular sex where we both get off regularly. “Don’t worry at least for the next few months,” he had the nerve to say. Whether or not we get this bed, and it appears that that idea’s getting a little scary to him, since he’s made no move to take out a loan yet, along with the fact that he loves to make me wait on him, nothing’s gonna change. How stupid does he think I am? Does he really think he can keep lying to me and saying the same things and lies he’s been telling me from the get-go for the rest of our lives? He obviously does, cuz after 4 years, there’s still no end in sight to his lies. And still no sign of any God deciding to step in and help and end this one way or another, be it by me needing a hysterectomy, or by Tom changing and putting his actions where his mouth is, or by Tom admitting the truth. However, could it be, just could it be that yes, he held back from cumming altogether, then decide a few squirts here and there was OK cuz it wouldn’t be too bad of a time for a kid at that point should it happen, but was really just waiting for what he felt was the perfect time to really let go (the bed in this case)? Sounds too good to be true, so no, he is who he is and there’s no changing how he is and what he wants in bed, and as far as a kid goes.

Well, I’m not gonna humiliate myself and let him play me for a fool year after year. I mean, he’s won, he’s got me blocked in a corner and I can’t get out. I can’t yank the truth out of his mouth and I can’t make him put his actions where his mouth is, but until and if I ever see differently, and I know I won’t, he’s full of shit! So year after year, since this shit’s obviously never gonna end and get old in Tom’s/God’s eyes, I’ll just be like “mm-hmm” every time he swears I’m OK, we’ll have the kind of sex we say we want, and a kid as well. I know the truth and since I’m the only one here willing to face that truth, all I can do is live my life catering to his desires and fears and just accept the fact that I couldn’t have a child, even if God would allow it. He is the man I love and therefore, I must do what makes him happy. I don’t want to throw things on him that’ll just scare him or turn him off in any way. So, I’ll just take actions that’ll suit his actions and just try to go deaf when he tells me his bullshit.

Another thing he said that kind of hurt my feelings was after I asked him to maybe think about seeing other women to fill in the gaps, but he said he didn’t love other women. He said that sex to him, has nothing to do with lust, but rather it’s an extension of his love. “What? Do you love me part-time?” I asked him. 

He said no, he loves me full-time. Well, I’m sure he does. Out of bed. But in bed, yes he does love me part-time. I’m not stupid here and I know it’ll be at least a week before he’ll touch me again. He’ll be too busy, my schedule will go wacky, or he just won’t take any available opportunities that are there. At least he always loves me when I’m sick or if I need something. He picked me up some new pens yesterday, which was nice of him, and I needed them, too. He got me more plain white paper, too, for my journal drafts.

I’d also still like to know why it is that something up there is acting like I’m really not sterile and that it’s just waiting for the right time. There is no right time. It is not meant to be. So, what the fuck is it all about? Why is it acting like something that can’t possibly be? Cuz if it were meant to be, it’d have been by now. Also, guys like Tom don’t change, so it’d have to make sure we kept missing it, which we didn’t cuz I know we hit right a good 5 times or so, then have Tom miraculously change and things like that just don’t happen. Why would it wait till a certain time, then miraculously fix me, then have Tom be suddenly much hornier and not afraid to deal with the consequences, sacrifices, and responsibilities that go with me either having a miscarriage or a kid?

Well, now I gotta go eat, then do up some letters for Kim, Paula and Larry.

Later...

You know, it really annoys me to have to be interrupted from what I’m doing just to hear Andy say one word (lonely) on the machine. I’m sorry he’s lonely, but I wish he’d either talk about it or hang up before the machine came on. On the other hand, I don’t really dig it when he constantly leaves long messages, either, of non-important stuff that can wait till we both are in the mood and available to talk. He just doesn’t get it, though, and if he doesn’t by now, he never will. What if we had had a kid? The guy would go crazy. He would still expect me to be there for him on the phone nearly every day and that just couldn’t be.

I forgot to mention that I used my own address labels to redo my backup disk labels. It looks really nice and Tom said that’d be a good thing to market.

Tom got two loaves of bread since they had a buy-one/get-one-free deal. So, I gave the bird one loaf and they actually ate it before the ants did.

Later...

I guess we’re not gonna see the effects of Hurricane Linda after all. All we had were clouds and a bit of drizzle this morning, but since then it’s been bright and sunny.

Tom just got up and said he might see what’s wrong with his car (now that he took care of the roof, we hope, God had to make sure his car would be the time sucker, but if worse comes to worst, we can always use his ma’s car, then God can use something else to hog our time). So, I said to Tom, “Well, here’s the chance to do what we say we want to do and help ourselves to have more sex. It’s at the start of your day, I’m available, so why not play before checking out the car?” 

Then he reminded me that each hour you put off doing the car, the hotter it gets. True, but it’s coming up on the hottest part of the day, so what’s one more hour? There’s always an excuse from Tom and of course, fate just has to put obstacles in our way, too, but OK, I’ll wait till the weekend.

Later...

Well, I just got hit with enough door-slamming to make up for the lack of it over the weekend. I not only heard a few around noon-1:00 since I think Mike comes home for lunch but just now there were 7 door slams. Yes, 7 door slams! How many people could be getting out of the car? And how many times can you forget things? If you’re unloading a car, you usually open the door and keep it that way till you’ve got everything out, then you shut the door. Is this a sign? Is this the start of the noise I still wouldn’t be surprised if I got hit with?