When David lived here, he put up two little old ugly ceiling fans/lights in the back room. Well, one of them broke completely and the other’s screwed up, old, ugly and not worth fixing, so we’re gonna get a new light, that’ll hopefully match the one Tom just got and replaced one of them with. It’s a nice fluorescent light, but it’s very dim. It’s not a good reading or writing light at all, but it’s good to enhance the two lamps we’ve had in here for projects like redesigning Teddy Bear’s cage. Again these are just lights we’re replacing this with and not lights with fans, so we’ll buy another fan on a stand for back here if we want.

Tom did a great job of installing it and it also looks really nice. It’s very modern and does a lot to help the looks of this old, dark, ugly room. I say old, cuz the room’s old. I say ugly, cuz it is. I say dark, cuz most of the walls back here have brown paneling and the two long windows in front and one window that’s on the side facing the assholes, are up high. There are also two smaller ones that used to look out onto W. Weldon. That was before the garage was put up to replace the carport. One early evening David was out, someone broke in through the side door of the house that’s off the kitchen, leading to the garage. I’m glad David had a pool and a garage put in, but I still can’t wait to move to something bigger and more modern and that doesn’t have a house 3 feet away. If we had had a kid, the spacing of the houses wouldn’t matter, cuz our own house would be filled with lots of noise of its own, so then I’d just have wanted something bigger and more modern.

Believe it or not, we screwed yesterday, but if it had been left up to him, I’m sure we wouldn’t have. I went and told him that since we both say we want more fun, why not take this time while we’re both awake and available to do it before getting on with other stuff? So, we did and there was the usual excuse alright, but guess what? It wasn’t his! No, thanks to our beautiful God who always has to make sure there’s a problem, I was rather dry the last few times and the area was getting irritated. So I stopped him before it could get any worse, but fate will make sure there’s something else the next time.

We teased each other and Tom was saying I was scared. I reminded him that that’s his department and that if I thought I was OK and was really afraid to get pregnant, I wouldn’t have been scared yesterday, seeing that it’s the wrong time of the month for conception. On the other hand, I’m sure God would’ve made it the right time if he knew I didn’t want a child. I appreciated having a man so understanding and not bothered at all by the fact that I had to stop him, but that’s just it. He just seemed too elated to stop and although I’m blessed with a guy like him, it just doesn’t seem normal. Is there anything that’s ever been that normal when it comes to my life, anyhow? No, the bulk of my life and the bulk of those I’ve known were either very different or very abnormal. All in good and bad ways, but mostly bad. I’m not saying that Tom’s mostly bad, though, or else I wouldn’t be with him. It’s just that his ways in bed really make me wonder about him. All I ever seem to have when it comes to sex, Tom and God and the whole damn situation is suspicions, theories and questions, but never any answers. And wishes and complaints, but never any solutions.

Why does he want to see me hurt by him sending off messages about the bed changing our sex lives when I know it won’t? Sometimes I don’t know if it’s simply a case of over-optimism or overconfidence with him. He can’t be that naïve. I think deep down he knows better and only he can change our sex lives. And only God can allow us a child. Another way I can tell that God’s dead-set against us ever having a child and that it’s surely not meant to be is that I know God can do anything. Therefore, if it were really meant to be, he’d make sure that either one of his precum sperms had made a baby or one of the times he’s actually cum. He could help us if he wanted to. But he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want us to have a child.