Once again Teddy Bear’s in with the others using the wheel. But trying to keep Bunny from tipping it over is a whole different story.

The kittens are gone. After the weather cleared up, I decided it was best to see if the mother would return. She not only returned and drank some milk I left, but she also took and moved them.

Kim and Andy called with some nice news, which is fine, but am I ever gonna hear from Paula again? What? Did she just want a T-shirt from me? Well, I guess I’d hear from her sooner or later unless she’s beaten someone up again and has landed in jail. Anyway, hopefully, I’ll hear from her. As for Shelly, who knows if she’ll ever call or write? Maybe when she gets her feet on the ground, maybe not. It’s a bummer she never sent pictures, but hopefully, Paula will like she said she would.

Tom still says he doesn’t like not getting to be with me more often and that he wants more sex. I told him it’d be best if he’d just accept the fact that that’s not the way it works. He’s just too busy, he’s never gonna be in a position that’ll allow him to slow down, and we just weren’t meant for more time/sex together. Yeah, sometimes the opportunity’s there and he just doesn’t take it, but the rest of it is cuz this is the way God wants it to be for us and there’s nothing either of us can do to control or change that. He says he’s gonna win on that, but that’s what he’s been saying for years. Well, it’s a good thing that I’m not all gung-ho about going to a doctor as I might’ve been if I didn’t know that you can’t fight fate and all that and if the idea of a child was as appealing to me as it used to be. I don’t see any real reason why I wouldn’t snap my fingers and have us having a full-time sex life and a child if I could, but it’s not worth the bother of driving ourselves crazy over. Things are the way they’ve always been meant to be, and as I said, if I were gung-ho about a doctor, we’d never be able to go cuz my husband’s just too damn optimistic in such an unrealistic way. The reason we’d never be able to go to one is cuz he’d be too busy putting his energy into saying everything’s OK with me just like he has been and not doing something about trying to fix me. I’d be really devastated if I still wanted a child as bad as I did and if I thought a doctor could help cuz more than likely, the reason we’ll never go to a doctor is cuz we’ll never have full-time sex. According to Tom, you should only go to a doctor if you’ve had full-time sex for at least a year, and then haven’t conceived. Thank God that at least I know I’m sterile and that I know a doctor could never help, cuz then I can keep on living without feeling so miserable, angry, and like my husband’s cheating me out of anything. If I were OK, then I’d feel those feelings towards Tom for not having full-time sex with me, facing reality, and at God for not helping to make that possible. If I knew my sterility was fixable, then I’d feel those emotions at both of them, too, cuz I’d never get to a doctor with a God who doesn’t care to step in and help and with a husband running around saying I’m fine and that we will have more sex.

I was born sterile and one of God’s plans for me was to have an abnormal sex life. I am not gonna stress and frustrate myself any longer with trying to change this. It cannot be changed. I will always be sterile and my husband and I will always have sex in spurts. And he’ll never cum any more than he does and I don’t care what he says. It doesn’t bother me as much when he says we’ll have more sex and a child like it used to, cuz I realize that he has to be who he is and believe what he believes, whether it’s a totally crazy and unrealistic belief or not. What he believes won’t change things, either, so let him say his piece year after year as he does.

I got red and blue dog bone stickers from the Humane Society. I’ll use whatever my next journal is gonna be for those. Or I’ll stick them on envelopes.

Kim’s good news is that she and Walter are doing so well, that she may be moving in with him in Granby, MA sometime soon.

Andy’s good news is that instead of him flying home within the next few weeks, then driving the new car back, Michelle’s mother is gonna pay to fly her with him, then they’re gonna stop and see Xena on Broadway in New York that her mother will also pay for, then drive back here together. He said he also called Barbara Nicks and asked her to have Stevie fax her a tour guide, so they can see her somewhere along the way back here.

Andy’s bad news, yes, he had bad news, too, is that some other employee at work is charging him with sexual harassment. Now, I guess from Andy’s message, this doesn’t mean he’s taking him to court. This means that tomorrow at work, they’re gonna discuss it. He said at first he thought of quitting his job, but that others (he says everyone else is on his side) told him since he’s not guilty of anything, don’t run and make it look that way. Andy agreed and he’s not quitting. He says he didn’t sexually harass the guy and that the guy got mad at him for something stupid and that that’s why he’s doing this. That’s very possible, but I don’t know. He’s told me about others he’s made comments to in the past and I can see him cracking comments that a guy could take all wrong or get pissed off about, cuz straight guys are so damn paranoid. He told me there is someone there that he has the hots for, so I don’t know. Maybe it’s a combination of both.

Later...

Tom and I discussed moving to a rural town someday. He said in any big city or city that they expect to grow into a massive size, they’ll have houses 3 feet apart. He calculated us being here for 4 more years. That seems rather short for us, but if that were true, and if they did move from next door like I think they will, that’d mean 1-2 more neighbors to deal with over there. If it were at least 8 years that I feel we’ll be here, then you’re talking 3-4 more neighbors.