OK, here’s what we “say” we’re gonna do, but if we can really do it without making excuses or chickening out, remains to be seen, not to mention the curve balls God will throw at us, or the things he may do to block us entirely.

Within the next 3 weeks, he’s gonna set us up with the right doctors and make an appointment for himself. Then, I’ll make an appointment for me. If all is OK with us both, then we’ll set up an appointment with the fertility people.

He still knows in his mind that a child is gonna happen. I know differently, but at least I can finally deal with my emotional state by having a doctor tell me there’s nothing they can do. That way I’ll know I didn’t make excuses or chicken out and that I went and found out what the scoop was that’s caused my sterility. Then, I can hopefully move on with this sort of closure.

I wish I knew he could be right about it happening anyway, no matter what, and I also wish I knew I could be right about his mother. He wonders if her having her sister Neva and Neva’s daughter Peggy visit, is due to her feeling she hasn’t got much time left. Well, I can see God feeling she’s done her time and with her gone, people wouldn’t have to worry so much or have as much to do (till it was replaced with new stuff to do), but she’s such a sweet lady. She’ll be missed and it’ll be sad to see her go whenever she does go. It’s too bad I didn’t have the 25 years or so to have known her and dad like Nora has.

Later...

I’m down a pound or two and Tom says it really does work - the Slim-Fast diet I’m on. It’s an easy plan too, and I know it works, but the question still is - will God let it work for me?

Anyway, I’m gonna go relax with my decaf coffee which I’ve been having plenty of, and maybe do some reading, too.

I sang earlier and it was a complete compensation for the night before as I knew it would be. Last night I sang great. It was crystal clear and all was fine, but tonight my typical trade-in for not smoking allergy nose that’s 10 times worse since I quit smoking, was in the way. God, either give me the voice to sing with and leave it alone and let me use it or just forget it! I feel like I’m being teased with this gift and like something up there wants me to pay for using this voice. It’s like it’s teasing me with it, allowing me to use it, but only with a price to pay. Can’t I ever have something for nothing? I don’t care how much of a cheap Jew or a cheap person that sounds like, either. It’s just that I’m so sick of having to work for this and pay for that. I just wish God would bless me with something where there were no strings attached for once.

Later...

I won’t write much now, cuz I’m frying up some chicken for me and the cats.

Anyway, the Lactaid still helps me to digest dairy without gas, cramps and bloating, so that’s good. I’m down from 128 to 125. I’m shocked and pleased, but still not willing to get my hopes up. I seem to have mustered up the will to stick to the diet plan, but now, I have to wait and see if God will let me do this.

Later...

Got a message from my folks saying congratulations for not smoking - they’re proud of me.

Gotta get Tom up soon. I guess he goes in at 11:30 tonight. He’s hoping to find a job within the bank that’ll give him set hours instead of having to go in at 7:30 one night, midnight the next, then 1:30, then 11:30.

I am now perfectly content with sex once a week, which is basically all our busyness/schedules will allow us to have.

I’m not looking forward to this weekend since they were quiet last weekend. I figure they’re gonna make up for quiet time sooner or later and I just hope to hell this weekend isn’t it cuz I’ll be asleep during the daytime. Or for the later part of the day, which is when they’re more active. Between 2 or 3 PM - around 8 PM on weekends, is when they’re more apt to make a scene.

Anyway, on Monday we’ll be going shopping. I want to get some new pet toys. I’m gonna get a new cage for the mice and new tubes/wheels. Then I may get myself a few larger pairs of panties, and a couple of pairs of sweatpants. Hopefully, this will be it as far as buying bigger clothes and I’ll end up back into my smaller clothes, but time will tell.

Ma’s sister Neva and her daughter Peggy were due to arrive from Michigan today. Hopefully, they got here OK. They’ll be here for a week. Then the week after that when I’m mid-cycle, God can again act like there’s some big pregnancy to dodge and tie Tom up with the move into Mary’s house.

Here’s our current plan that he and I discussed, but I don’t know. I just know something will come up to botch up our plans. He’s gonna get scared and use me as an excuse to put off or bail out or manipulate the doctors, should we ever get to these people. They say to trust your gut instinct. Well, either I’m paranoid (which I wish was the case, since no one likes to know their suspicions are legit) or I have a reason to suspect like I do that Tom will somehow either con his way out of the doctors altogether or con them out of helping us to have a child. Like I said, I hope I’m wrong. I hope it’s just a case of my being paranoid, due to those whom I was supposed to have been able to trust, that fucked me over in the past.

I felt kind of hurt and insulted at how he said since he’s never had an ear done like I did to see if I’d stand by him and still love him like he did for me, he has his doubts in me. He fears what I’ll tell the doctors about my believing he doesn’t want a kid. Then why’s he afraid of that if that’s not the case as he insists? I told him I wouldn’t say anything about his not wanting a child/not cumming out of fear. If that is the case, then I trust that these doctors, being the professionals that they are, would pick up on that and would address the issue themselves if they felt that was an issue. Anyway, I certainly wouldn’t want to see him have to go through the pain of having his head drilled like I did. I wouldn’t want to see him have to suffer in any way, but hopefully someday, someway, he’ll see that he can count on me to still love him and stand by him should he be unfortunate enough to ever have some trauma or big ordeal going on with him.