Yup, there’s a freeloader next door. One with a car, anyway. If I heard right, I heard its car doors just after 10:00.

I’m doing sheets right now and soon I’ll do some exercising. I don’t really have anything else I’ve got to do. I sang, and I’ll also crimp my hair, too.

Why is God so fucking hung up on the idea of me being in old places and with things that are broken?! This fucking leaky roof! I know Tom’s full of it when he says he’s gonna put a coat of sealer on it in a few days and have it repaired in a few months.

Anyway, I crimped my hair and am now waiting for the fryer to heat up enough for my chicken wings. Then, I will work out and do proofreading for the night. Anything to keep my mind off of things that hurt. It’s not always easy to block out the pain and punishment that God has inflicted upon me. Every day, I get up and I tell myself the same thing - I do not deserve a child and I cannot handle it. I need to believe this to make it easier to go on living and to go on living with God’s decision. I need to make his decision right and I need to make it fair. The only way I can deal with it and be more OK with it is to tell myself that every day, not that it isn’t true no matter what, cuz it is. I’m not up weird hours and on weird schedules for the fun of it. This is the way I am and I can’t help it, whether I’m one in a million or not. And if I can’t get on schedule for me I certainly couldn’t do it for a child. You have to be able to help yourself and do right for your own self before you can help and do right for others. But nonetheless, telling myself I don’t deserve it and can’t handle it, is the only way I can justify God’s actions. God isn’t supposed to hurt people like this and he’s supposed to be stronger than the devil, so for him to do this to me, he’s got to have a damn good reason.

Later...

I miss my cigarettes. Yes, I still miss them every day. I may not wheeze or need inhalers regularly anymore, and it may save money, but nothing has changed. It was a simple case of my being naïve, to think it’d change anything that much. Do I really want to live missing my cigarettes, on top of missing a child? I just don’t know.

The babies are really becoming “mice” so to speak. The oldest ones are really moving around now and eating and drinking. It’s so cute how they get all bouncy and playful.

I had a nice talk with Andy. I wanted to call him when I did an hour or so ago, cuz I knew I wouldn’t catch him later what with how my schedule is now.

I did the dishes, and other little odds and ends around the house, but I haven’t done much proofreading yet, so I think I’ll get back to that. I have a whole goddamn 34 more to go. They never end!

I’ve got about 600 more pages to proofread between all the journal groups I have left to go through. Well, I guess it’s moving along somewhat, cuz I remember when I had just over 1000 pages to proofread.