Still no fucking doll! What’s taking so long? Was it because I was awake when the mailman came around today and God really wants me asleep when the doll comes?

Last night I ended up being up for 21 hours. Finally, I took a Benadryl. Why am I constantly up 18 or more hours? This is why I could never handle a job or a child. If I had to be up at the same time every day, I’d be getting 3-6 hours of sleep every night and it’d eventually kill me.

I gained a few pounds from eating a TV dinner, popcorn, soup, and those fries yesterday. Again, that would never put a few pounds on me back when I smoked. Today I’m not gonna worry too much about it. I’ve had a TV dinner and some popcorn, and I may have soup later, but tomorrow, it’s back to starving again. I’m gonna have to not eat every other day to maintain my weight. This is fucking ridiculous. It’s getting harder and harder to maintain this weight and I’m getting more and more tempted to forget it. Am I gonna eventually be able to only eat every 2-3 days in order to keep my weight steady? Just like how I’m gonna cut my hair someday, cuz someday I’m gonna need a break from it, I’m gonna totally forget about keeping my weight where it’s at. It’s just too much work, so I’ll give in eventually and just take the 20-100 pounds I’ll gain when I do.

Gloria Estefan Live by Request is taping now. I took a quick peek at one point and was surprised. She looks better than I thought she’d look. She’s not skinny, but she’s not fat, either, and she’s singing pretty well, although I could still do better for the most part. When I’m not congested, that is. It pisses me off that God just won’t let me fully use my voice. I may not wheeze like I used to, but I still get tight and I still have congestion. I still have times when I have to stop and clear my throat, and it really pisses me the fuck off. I feel like God’s teasing me with this gift and like he’ll only let me use it so much, and I just wish he’d either let me use my voice free of congestion or just take it away. I’m tired of the conditions that have to go with everything wonderful. I can have this great guy, but he has to have a freaky dicky and lie about it.

He still insists he’ll do whatever they request of him for testing, that he’ll love me no matter what, and that he’ll support whatever decisions I make. I believe the last two, thank God, but I still can’t see him willing to participate in the testing.

On the other hand, his cumming is totally in his control, so maybe he will let them have his cum, then go back to rarely cumming in bed. Remember, there is no such thing as a guy who can get hard, but not cum. You either can’t get hard at all and therefore you can’t cum, or you get hard and cum. He chooses when to cum. So maybe he will choose to cum for the testing. We’ll see. I suppose that’s still a way away yet. If it took months to get a GYN appointment scheduled, I’d think it’d take another few months to get the testing scheduled, and a few more to get through the testing, unless something does come up to prevent testing or I change my mind, so if I can get any answers, you’re talking around the time we move. But will we move in June? Or will it be August or September?

No kids came out to play after dark or at twilight. Also, Bill’s bringing his sick daughter home from work, but who knows who’s picking it up afterward? As soon as I’m up at 6:15-7:45, I’ll know.

Later…

OK, I saw the Gloria show. I basically scanned through her singing her songs but listened to all the requests and all that. I’m surprised she didn’t bring her daughter on stage, but Emilio came out at the end. He’s getting old and gray. Anyway, the people who called in requested the songs I figured they’d request, and I got a kick out of a couple of those requests that I know had to be staged. Whoopee Goldberg called at one point, then Gloria told the guy who was her host that she’d be right back, went off stage, then requested a song with an English accent. She’s also supposed to have a small role in a movie with Meryl Streep that may be out in about a year, that’s got to do with keeping music in the schools.

I’ve got some shocking news about Andy. He’s keeping his Red Lobster job as a hostess but is only working part-time there now. That’s all he could get from them anyway. From 7 AM-4 PM Monday-Friday he’s now working a job typing into computers pharmaceutical orders. He had his first day of work at this new job today and loved it. He swears he’ll never wait on tables in Arizona again, but I still say he won’t go back east. I’d have to see it to believe it.

He’s also been clean for nearly a week now, so I’m quite happy for him.